the heart finally stopped

-bismillah - 

got news about the passing of a patient this morning... Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raaji3un. May the previous consultation, advices and care benefitted him & family during the last few weeks of life. May Allah accept his cooperation with blood taking, treatment plan and compliance as among good deeds.

Met him on 2nd of the month, he passed away on 23rd, 2 days before appointment with me. He took his blood as scheduled last week. 

He is ongoing acei optimisation for sake of reducing mortality but the heart just cant take it anymore.

May Allah have mercy on me, on him and his family. 

blessed ckt

Alhamdulillah

Passed an important big exam (out of other big exams😂), by Allah's mercy. 

This exam was special, i was able to go through few special events before the exam day, which were ramadan, and 10 first days of zulhijjah. What more can i asked except for Allah's mercy. 

Alhamdulillah. 

For all the privileges He gave me, before, during and after the exam day, 

May Allah bless them all. 

Some people were tested with difficulties and obstacles prior exam, especially during the study leaves, and me wasnt excluded. However, there were no obstacles that couldnt be encountered except with His helps and guidances. 

And do not forget about being tested with privileges. 

Nabi Sulaiman was tested with his great abilities to rule a kingdom, it was to test wether he will be grateful or not. 

What more about us an ordinary human being. We are not excluded. Everyone shall be tested.

I pray may Allah always show us the way, the straight path towards His jannah, His mercy and forgiveness. 

May Allah bless everyone around me who has their great share in helping me pass my exam too. 

May Allah bless us. 

May Allah ease us. 

May Allah forgive us. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Entering 3rd year of postgraduate study in shaa Allah! 

لا حول ولا قوّة إلّا بالله

There is no power nor strength except from Allah. 

it is okay, trust Allah

- bismillah -

Today i decide to write again.

I

It was 4.40pm, i asked permission from my current supervisor miss A, to go to another department to meet with Dr Z.

I have to meet him in person regarding the yearly appraisal. Last week, i received few calls from HRs officers regarding my recent change of PPP. Previously i was put under Dr Y, later 1 week ago they decided to change to Dr Z. (long story, but these are the sequalae of change of status of placement but i was not placed in primary care despite i am pursuing primary care specialty. Cut short, administratively my name belongs to 'general MO' in hospital, and i dont belong to any department either due to nature of my training which requires me to do few rotations in different postings.)

So, i went to met the respected Dr Z. Walked so fast from ent outpatient clinic in the front part of hospital to the psy building located posterior part of hospital complex. Alhamdulillah, reached there before 5pm and he is still in his office. 

He asked few questions regarding the background story. And we just have to accept it as it is, to ? laugh, i think the admins are really pulling my legs since beginning. Who has ever had their performance assessor to be changed last minute, and far from anyone's expectation what more logical... 

(i dont sure whether i wrote it here previously, regarding the day i received call from state level admin for me to do the rayuan, urgently asking me to do the rayuan, end up landed in 2dary care as if never did rayuan at all. My holiday was disrupted when i have to write a formal appeal letter despite i think they should know where i should belong - alas, they never know). 

Never in my mind to have thought about such fate.

To be having the respected calm dr to evaluate my LNPT as first assessor, while 2nd assessor is one who's rangking is too high to reach and maybe has never seen me working in front of her eyes - admin arranged these.

I knew Dr Z before, but i never mention the connection on our professional and formal bond. 

Hope for best evaluation. 

I never knew Dr A before, met her officiating courses, saw her once for an awkward meeting regarding my participation in extra-curricular activity on weekend (of which she didnt approve). 

Hope for the best evaluation, too. 

Entahlah. 

Things are beyond my control. 

As Allah helped me through the path, He surely will guide me till the end. What we can focus and worry is the 'now', let the past fold and the future unfold. 

Tawakkal. 

Hope. 

Pray. 

Entahlah. I'm doing cognitive restructuring now hahahaahaha. 

May i have the best evaluation for my LNPT (performance appraisal).

Let's be reminded of a special verse from Quran,

{ قَـٰلَ رَبِّ ٱحكُم بِٱلحَقِّ وَرَبُّنَا ٱلرَّحمَـٰنُ ٱلمُستَعَانُ عَلَىٰ مَا تَصِفُونَ }

[Surah Al-Anbiyāʾ: 112]

˹In the end,˺ the Prophet said, “My Lord! Judge ˹between us˺ in truth. And our Lord is the Most Compassionate, Whose help is sought against what you claim.”

(Muhammad) berkata, "Ya Tuhan-ku, berilah keputusan dengan adil 1. Dan Tuhan kami ialah Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Yang dimohon pertolongan-Nya terhadap apa yang kamu katakan".

Amiin.

II

Second story. Hehe. 

Met a kind soul, random ppk, we  talk while walking to our car/moto after thumbprint.

He is nice, talks casually,  commenting about our nature of work in hospital (8am-5pm), asking about my current working hours too. Joking a bit about how shift works can give us 'more' time - ie house chores in the morning if started working at 2pm lol. Ended up our short conversation with, "doakan saya yang tengah sambung belajar ini". Of which he replied, "kami doakan!"

Amiin. 

Feeling teary because that was a glimpse of moments encountered while i was in Jordan previously for undergrad study. Any kind random makcik would happily say doa to Allah for us the students if we told them about our state of being student of knowledge. 

We never know which doa yg Allah angkat and actually keeping us under His care and blessing today. 

And we never know, when will the time come later, for the fate of our encounter today with anyone, will be 'useful' or 'beneficial' for us.

Allah susun titik A, tiada sia-sia, dan suatu hari nanti kita bersyukur dan berterima kasih kerana telah diatur dengan takdir A.

May Allah guide me. 

May Allah bless me. 

I just loveeeee this old me, writing out my thoughts and realign it again towards His guidances. 

May Allah forgive me. 

May Allah increase knowledge for us all. Amiin

III

learnt from our muslim brothers from syria and palestine. 

Saw one video interview, regarding how the long term prisoner are able to be freed again one day, well and alive and able to return to their family:

"Allah will not abandon His believer"

Keep believing. 

friday pm and gratefulness

- bismillah -

Jumaat 300-530pm,

I am grateful when my specialist is seeing new case and teach me and the houseman about the approach to the new case. 

I am grateful for her to advise me to come earlier at 245pm in Friday. I know i should have haha. I am grateful that i come, instead of being later or not coming at all. I am grateful for the road was smooth and arrived to hospital safely and happily.

I am grateful for the detailed plan given and the follow up arranged, it really help me and the patient.

I am grateful she didnt dismiss me despite my inadequacy.

I am grateful to have clerk another new case by myself (dgn taufiq dan hidayah Allah).

I am grateful that it is only low risk jaundice, with previous investigations already written in the discharge plan previously.

I am grateful i didnt forget to plot growth chart.

I am grateful i can find the ix summary by myself.

I am grateful that the nurse noted me about a plan from another case that wasnt carried out yet since morning.

I am grateful that i dont throw temper / tantrum because i didnt see the case in the morning, it was someone else, but i am grateful that i didnt dismiss the nurse complain - okay kak i'll review that after completing my clerking.

I am grateful that i didnt say, ni bukan patient saya.

I am grateful i finished my clerking of the new case and i was able to be calm despite having to repeat simple questions to the mother until she can understand and give me answer that i want to hear.

Coming to the issue brought by the nurse, i am grateful that she reminds me.

I am grateful to take it and carry out the plan by myself.

It was to call social welfare for review and the baby can be discharged same day.

I am grateful that i only called once and the phone got answered.

The social welfare officer talked nicely, explaining the hiccups involving other party, and i said it is okay, i'll take note of that. 

I am grateful for her attitude and my attitude over the situation haha. It's a win-win, nobody gets angry nor disappointed haha. I am grateful i didnt dismiss her explanation.

I am grateful for efficient housemen, already calling for help from other mo for blood taking. 

I am grateful for my colleague who was able to get the blood c&s while i was seeing new case. I am grateful she didnt dismiss the houseman call for help, which eventually helping me too.

On top of that, i am grateful for another houseman to come and seek me, to see another new case that have been clerked partially.

I am grateful that i didnt dismiss the houseman, because the patient is not inside my cubicle.

I am grateful to have seen the third new case this evening, help the houseman to plan for the case, giving my best to manage the case.

I am grateful to be one who didnt leave my housemen when they said it's okay you can leave at 5pm but i choose to stay with them. 

I am grateful to call for help for branula from another colleagues when the housemen are already at their ends of means.

I am grateful that the branula insertion was so easy, and made easy under Allah's will, after my colleague helps. 

I am grateful that i didnt add more distress to her. She is post call and still having to review her own patients but giving time for me to help with branula insertion.

I am grateful that she didnt dismiss me.

I am grateful that the nurse tadi comes again and talk way more softly, informing about the pending task is already settled.

I am grateful.

I knew she understood that i didnt review the patient, yet, i didnt immaturely and calculatively dismissing her before when she noted to issue.

I am grateful the baby can be discharged and i already informed the mother about it.

I am grateful when i can help 3 parents asking about their babies conditions. They were in another cubicle. One after another. Yes, may-i-help-you mode activated. I am happy to help. I can read the bht and tell the plan for you to help you ease your worries parents ✨

I am grateful i didnt dismiss them.

I am grateful to help a mom searching for her mewborn 😂 she was so worried about not finding the own child, the baby was actually inside a cot at the other side just beside her 😂 she laughed when i showed her there-your-baby 🤗🤗🤗

Feeling as if i have found a lost item lel.

I am grateful that my oncall colleagues cheerfully greet me and take the passover smoothly.

I pray for smooth and happy call for them amiin.

I am grateful when a houseman comes and get the signature for discharge prescription slip, before i go home. Or else everyone will be in troubles.

I am grateful that my posting colleagues listen to my rumbles and mumbles in the wasap haha.

I am grateful.

Ps. This is the second time in paeds posting that i cried. No good reason to cry but maybe i feel overwhelmed, thus by writing this it helps me to feel at ease. No one to blame, it is just me have to be more grateful and pray may Allah always bless me.

I am weak without Allah.

Alhamdulillah for the strengths.

All the wisdoms come from Allah.

Pss. I balik lambat pun, ada orang balik lebih lambat. I didnt do well and kena tegur, ada orang lagi teruk kena marah. The world is unfair, i am sorry if i make those around me kena marah/ tak senang/ susah/ any disturbance. And vise versa, ada yg lagi salah tapi tak kena marah hehe. May Allah forgive me and everyone. 

Too much blessings, can never be counted. I shouldnt cry for no good reason right 😅🤗😂 may Allah forgive me. I want to keep this written memories, and my Allah bless me to become a specialist amiin.

#postgradjourney #towardsbetterme #mayAllahbless

treasuring relationships

 - bismillah -

Alhamdulillah, masuk tahun 2024. Allah izin 20 hari pertama ni banyak perkara berlaku.

Maklang meninggal tahun lepas. Diikuti another elderly jiran sekampung (chu). Tahun ini pula, anak chu pula meninggal. Rumah mereka kosong. Pokok2 mereka ditinggalkan. Bagai tamat satu kisah kehidupan 2 beranak itu. Masih teringat2 lagi anak chu yang selalu siram pokok tepi jalan, tegur bila lalu dengan kereta, kadang tu dengan muka risau dia tanya, "baru balik ke???"...hehe je lah. me like...dr mana ada waktu balik awai hahaha #kiddingdalamhati.. (alhamdulillah)

Kemudian menerima kematian boss lama ayah, seorang pensyarah kejuruteraan. Dulu saya bertadika di tempat kerja ayah, jadi banyak kali encounter boss ayah ni. Baik, ramah, humble. Pernah sekali balik dengan dia amik sekali dengan anaknya sebab ayah sibuk kot. Moga menjadi asbab kebaikan jariah.

Cuma ralat sikit sebab i never meet again during adulthood. Dia tanya pasal saya masa few years ago, waktu tu mak ayah pi kenduri anaknya (yang sama tadika dengan saya itu) berkahwin. Hehe. Saya memang payah nak pi kenduri. huhu sori pakcik.

Perkenalan ini terhenti setakat itu.

But, beruntung kita sebagai orang islam. Perkenalan adalah persaudaraan. Kita still ada bond, ikatan, walaupun lepas kematian. iaitu sedekah jariah, ilmu berguna yang diamalkan dan doa anak soleh.

Legacy kehidupan tidak terhenti di dunia semata2. Nak 'hidup lama' biarpun lepas kematian dunia, carilah 3 bond tu. huhuhuhu. may Allah bless us with endless pahala amiin.

*kita boleh sedekah atas nama simati...semoga menjadi pahala kepadanya, at least sebagai our last encounter / last service huhuhuhu

***

saja buka blog ni baca balik post2 lama dulu especially waktu struggle nak exam..hehe i have exam in 2 weeks time in shaa Allah.

lepas tu ternampak icon follower, yg sudah dijemput Allah tahun lepas...arwah S... may Allah bless him and the family he left behind. follow tulisan dia dari zaman sekolah menengah, then lepas sekolah belajar sampai jordan pun dia ada gak tapi univ lain2. tapi tak pernah kawan/sembang. and i tak ingat sejak bila dia jadi follower, ingatkan dia tak kenal / acquaintance ja. hihu. no more view after this la kot...... .

macam tu lah.

i pray for no regrets in this world.

kematian itu pasti, kepada Allah kita kembali.

i started to treat everyone around me like this is the last encounter. either one of us (me or you/they) will go first huhu.

***

Allah izin i bawa mak ayah pergi jalan2 penang (again). the best moment bila Allah izin sembahyang di masjid lawaaa tg bungah. and Allah izin mudah to provide halal meals for them.

ALHAMDULILLAH

moga diberkati.

***

moga diberkati dlm rejab ini, moga Allah izin kita sampai kepada Ramadan dalam keadaan beriman, sihat sejahtera. amiin.

doakan Allah izin pengakhiran yang terbaik utk kita semua. saya minta maaf atas perkenalan22 yang saya tak treasure, moga dekat Alam Abadi nanti hubungan sebagai saudara seislam menjadi lebih baik dan flourish under His guidance. amiin.

My 5th year

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Sudah menjejak 5 ramadan hari ini.

Alhamdulillah, saya lulus semua pengajian tahun 5. Bakal memasuki ke tahun akhir selepas raya nanti. In shaa Allah. Doakan grad pada masanya.

Tahun 5 di my university, ada 11 rotations yg perlu dilalui sepanjang 9 bulan. Haha. Jadi, segalanya adalah tepat, padat dan ringkas. Dan segalanya adalah bawah kuasa dan izin Tuhan. :)

Orthopedic, 2 minggu, belajar pasal tulang dan adik beradiknya. Saya suka belajar, minat tajuk ni, berjaya skor utk first exam, tapi final kurang skor, sesuatu yang tak dijangka, tapi begitulah... Alhamdulillah Allah izin carry mark agak selesa utk digandingkan dengan final exam's mark yang goyah. Allah baik, bukan?

Radiology, 2 minggu, entah bagaimana percaturan saya, ada dua tiga empat lima slides terskip rupa-rupanya. Those slides ada same title, tapi content berbeza. I thought they were all the same that i wont read overlapping things. So i got the lowest carry mark despite i studied the hardest among other subject. Alhamdulillah, final exam yielded better result. Still, saya sedar saya baca slide tak cukup waktu preparing for final exam. Hehe. Takpalah, semoga ada pahala sebab belajar, walaupun tak dapat ganjaran berbentuk markah tinggi. Success is a journey, a process, not just destination, kan?

Forensic! Was the third rotation for my group. Saya belajar banyak perkara. 3 kes autopsi, kematian mengejut selepas bersalin (pendarahan dalaman rupa2nya), mayat seorang pengembala yang ditemui di ladangnya (heart attack), dan tembakan jarak dekat di kepala (close contact with satellite shape). Semoga Allah mengampuni jenazah2, dan moga mendapat ganjaran kebaikan sebab menjadi medium kami belajar. Selain itu, saya belajar juga proses pereputan mayat. Sungguh, Allah sangat2 berkuasa! Dan azab kubur itu benar, mati itu pasti.

كُلُّ  نَفْسٍ  ذَآءِقَةٌ  المَوْت
Setiap yang bernyawa pasti akan merasai mati.
SodaqaAllahulazhim. Maka telah benarlah segala kata2 Allah yang maha agung.

Anaesthesia, rotation ke-4. Round ni saya minat. Masuk ke dewan bedah, belajar CPR, selfie dengan scrub biru. Keh keh. Tengok juga kes nak sedarkan diri selepas bius, semua tu kuasa Tuhan, ada yg cepat, ada yang tak sedar2 sampai doktor kejut ganaz2 sket. Well, apa2 pun, dia harus sedar! Cemas jugaklah. Belajar lagi pasal fluid, jenis darah, jenis ubat bius. Kita ada iv, kita ada gas. Ada yang sesuai untuk mula2, ada utk maintenance sepanjang pembedahan. Paling best tgk tindak balas tubuh pada atropine. Betapa berkuasanya Tuhan mencipta fitrah, apabila acetacholine bertindak di receptor maka sekian sekian terjadi. Doktor2 bius di hospital sini, sangat santun dan kuat bergantung pada Tuhan. Disuruh pesakit byk ingat Tuhan, zikir, tawakal sebelum dibius. Aku dibius cinta~ erk.

(Unfinished and never finished writing. The draft is published today in 2023 - already passed medical school and currently pursuing post graduate study in shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah.)

Among things that make me happy

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Currently i am in my 4th posting of housemanship. So far, i've completed 1 year of service (read: setahun jagung). And alhamdulillah previous 3 postings had been great and well. I pray for everything to come to be great too. Amiin.

When entring new posting, our previous routines in working life resets to the lowest level again. There are new vocabs to be familiarised, new skills to learn and new environment to adapt with. Which during this entry phase (we call it tagging period), some of us might find themselves at the lowest point in their life. Down to the point they want to quit.

One day when i was in my 1st posting, which was last year, i had this kind of thought of why did i choose this job in the first place... I questioned why dont i choose to work in a less messy environment, well-seated in an air-conditioned office, and there were times that i even start to compare my job with those working at the admission counter 😂 that was because i have to do dressing and insert and off cbd by myself. Pheww.

That was silly.

If u ever did so (of having the thought and start comparing between jobs) , please get rid of those thoughts now.

I was able to accept the reality when i start to love what i do, and do what i love. I use the mindset of: i choose to do this, rather than i have to or was ordered to do this. When dr plan to insert cbd, i seek the reason why: oh, it's to help the patient with bph/for input/output charting etc, and i choose to do it for my patient. U know, when a pakcik with urinary retention who was previously in pain due to his full bladder wanting to explode, the moment u insert cbd then he was relief out of pain... That gives you an avhievement. U just help him 'cure' the pain.

And so does other things/plan. Take blood this patient, measure his bp manually, and all other uncommon order of procedures (or procedures that i think shouldnt be me doing) become easy to carry out day by day. "Ok dr, i will (choose to) do it." With that mindset, 50% of burden unloaded.

When i cant find the reason for the order, i just take it as 'to help my MO'. And of course, to help myself for the future.

So, back to the topic. I am in orthopedic posting. My 3rd day of tagging i dah kena target dengan specialist. Lots of questions asked, but i cant answer. I also unable to familiarised with all the fractures and wounds of my patients. I just dont really know my patients. Consequently, lots of homeworks given. Until my 6th day, the specialist asked me why, who gives u such homeworks that u have to present everyday? And i can only laugh (sopan-ly) saying that it was him all along. Adududu.

And since then, i started to learn thoroughly my patah2 patients. I dont merely do 'counter reviews'. I started to localised where is the wound, where is the fracture, where is the pain etc...

And here comes a patient who i clerked since ED review. He was an elderly in his 80's, came in with femur fracture. Fast forward, he was sheduled for op and everything. However, he comes from an old folks home. So he got no money / close relatives. Only us currently are the nearest to him.

So sometimes i can see my kakak nurse is feeding him. And some other times, the food was left untouched because nobody care to feed him. Up to one point that the pakcik complaint to me of having heartburn. U know, that feeling when u skip meals/not eaten for long time. So sad...

So, they done operation for him. Post op day 2, my sp requested for the patient to ambulate with wheelchair and for ted stockings. Phew.

(Originally written 10/3/2019. Unfinished. I think he did survive, cant barely remember after reading the draft again in 2023. May Allah bless the patient.)