alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah :) 

mid 2026

- bismillah -

SubhanAllah. 

It is very painful ya to face a hardship. No matter how i tried to cope, the pain is there and comes out without control.

I pray may Allah give me qalbun saleem. 

No matter what challenges, may Allah guide me going through this difficult phase.

حسبنا الله نعم الوكيل ونعم المولى ونعم الوكيل

Ps. Burst to tears right after i left the zoom meeting, only He can bring me out of this. Only He noticed me going thru this.

And beautifully saw this video, just before all this emotional breakdown happened. Alhamdulillah. 

Indeed, Allah is near, the All-Seeing, the All-Knowing.

( https://www.instagram.com/reel/DaMARNURRh2/?igsh=MTV4enlsMWY3OGEzYQ== ) 

alhamdulillah for 2025

-bismillah-

Alhamdulillah, still here, literally and virtually. 

2025 had been great alhamdulillah. 

Completed hospital postings for my 2nd year post graduate study, had a blast of celebrations for raya with family, we even went to bertam water park and stayed at the resort. During that time, i was preparing for my CKT exam, which means that bringing laptop to the water park and didnt get wet at all hahahaha. Rezeki bila our family of 13 was offered suite because our prebooked rooms were not available. So i spent the night studying cpg inside a premium hotel suite T_T with presence of everyone of my family... Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless.

Dengan izin Allah, CKT passed. I remember that the day when the result was out, i was with my parents at kl sentral waiting for my sis to fetch us. I spent the next day treating my sister breakfast at klcc (her workplace) and later had a me time at kinokuniya. Used to do the same activity previously after spm. Alhamdulillah.

Then, i was transfered to primary care clinic after 2 years spent in hospital. 

I didnt get the closest to home, but i pray for the best and Allah gave me one at 48km away. Hehe. Allah allow me to have more me time when driving. I once imagined working there (hospital setting) but it turns out that Allah has better plan. Also magically (due to their technical issues) working with few familiar supportive colleagues. 

Of course, i have only written the good and happy things. Those were what i want to remember. Hehe. 

As for the challenges, pray may Allah always guide me to go through them. May Allah make me among His beloved servants.

Ps. 

At age of 32, masih tak kawen, i still worry about "being tak pandai", "not being excellent", being judged for inadequate knowledge, etc 😂 masih dihantui exam aherheher...

Doakan saya berjaya dunia akhirat. Itulah concern saya. 

😍 Kawen ke tak, asalkan berjaya dunia akhirat dan diredhai Allah. Amiin. 

Alhamdulillah for 2025,

Bismillah for 2026.

the heart finally stopped

-bismillah - 

got news about the passing of a patient this morning... Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raaji3un. May the previous consultation, advices and care benefitted him & family during the last few weeks of life. May Allah accept his cooperation with blood taking, treatment plan and compliance as among good deeds.

Met him on 2nd of the month, he passed away on 23rd, 2 days before appointment with me. He took his blood as scheduled last week. 

He is ongoing acei optimisation for sake of reducing mortality but the heart just cant take it anymore.

May Allah have mercy on me, on him and his family. 

blessed ckt

Alhamdulillah

Passed an important big exam (out of other big exams😂), by Allah's mercy. 

This exam was special, i was able to go through few special events before the exam day, which were ramadan, and 10 first days of zulhijjah. What more can i asked except for Allah's mercy. 

Alhamdulillah. 

For all the privileges He gave me, before, during and after the exam day, 

May Allah bless them all. 

Some people were tested with difficulties and obstacles prior exam, especially during the study leaves, and me wasnt excluded. However, there were no obstacles that couldnt be encountered except with His helps and guidances. 

And do not forget about being tested with privileges. 

Nabi Sulaiman was tested with his great abilities to rule a kingdom, it was to test wether he will be grateful or not. 

What more about us an ordinary human being. We are not excluded. Everyone shall be tested.

I pray may Allah always show us the way, the straight path towards His jannah, His mercy and forgiveness. 

May Allah bless everyone around me who has their great share in helping me pass my exam too. 

May Allah bless us. 

May Allah ease us. 

May Allah forgive us. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Entering 3rd year of postgraduate study in shaa Allah! 

لا حول ولا قوّة إلّا بالله

There is no power nor strength except from Allah. 

it is okay, trust Allah

- bismillah -

Today i decide to write again.

I

It was 4.40pm, i asked permission from my current supervisor miss A, to go to another department to meet with Dr Z.

I have to meet him in person regarding the yearly appraisal. Last week, i received few calls from HRs officers regarding my recent change of PPP. Previously i was put under Dr Y, later 1 week ago they decided to change to Dr Z. (long story, but these are the sequalae of change of status of placement but i was not placed in primary care despite i am pursuing primary care specialty. Cut short, administratively my name belongs to 'general MO' in hospital, and i dont belong to any department either due to nature of my training which requires me to do few rotations in different postings.)

So, i went to met the respected Dr Z. Walked so fast from ent outpatient clinic in the front part of hospital to the psy building located posterior part of hospital complex. Alhamdulillah, reached there before 5pm and he is still in his office. 

He asked few questions regarding the background story. And we just have to accept it as it is, to ? laugh, i think the admins are really pulling my legs since beginning. Who has ever had their performance assessor to be changed last minute, and far from anyone's expectation what more logical... 

(i dont sure whether i wrote it here previously, regarding the day i received call from state level admin for me to do the rayuan, urgently asking me to do the rayuan, end up landed in 2dary care as if never did rayuan at all. My holiday was disrupted when i have to write a formal appeal letter despite i think they should know where i should belong - alas, they never know). 

Never in my mind to have thought about such fate.

To be having the respected calm dr to evaluate my LNPT as first assessor, while 2nd assessor is one who's rangking is too high to reach and maybe has never seen me working in front of her eyes - admin arranged these.

I knew Dr Z before, but i never mention the connection on our professional and formal bond. 

Hope for best evaluation. 

I never knew Dr A before, met her officiating courses, saw her once for an awkward meeting regarding my participation in extra-curricular activity on weekend (of which she didnt approve). 

Hope for the best evaluation, too. 

Entahlah. 

Things are beyond my control. 

As Allah helped me through the path, He surely will guide me till the end. What we can focus and worry is the 'now', let the past fold and the future unfold. 

Tawakkal. 

Hope. 

Pray. 

Entahlah. I'm doing cognitive restructuring now hahahaahaha. 

May i have the best evaluation for my LNPT (performance appraisal).

Let's be reminded of a special verse from Quran,

{ قَـٰلَ رَبِّ ٱحكُم بِٱلحَقِّ وَرَبُّنَا ٱلرَّحمَـٰنُ ٱلمُستَعَانُ عَلَىٰ مَا تَصِفُونَ }

[Surah Al-Anbiyāʾ: 112]

˹In the end,˺ the Prophet said, “My Lord! Judge ˹between us˺ in truth. And our Lord is the Most Compassionate, Whose help is sought against what you claim.”

(Muhammad) berkata, "Ya Tuhan-ku, berilah keputusan dengan adil 1. Dan Tuhan kami ialah Tuhan Yang Maha Pemurah lagi Yang dimohon pertolongan-Nya terhadap apa yang kamu katakan".

Amiin.

II

Second story. Hehe. 

Met a kind soul, random ppk, we  talk while walking to our car/moto after thumbprint.

He is nice, talks casually,  commenting about our nature of work in hospital (8am-5pm), asking about my current working hours too. Joking a bit about how shift works can give us 'more' time - ie house chores in the morning if started working at 2pm lol. Ended up our short conversation with, "doakan saya yang tengah sambung belajar ini". Of which he replied, "kami doakan!"

Amiin. 

Feeling teary because that was a glimpse of moments encountered while i was in Jordan previously for undergrad study. Any kind random makcik would happily say doa to Allah for us the students if we told them about our state of being student of knowledge. 

We never know which doa yg Allah angkat and actually keeping us under His care and blessing today. 

And we never know, when will the time come later, for the fate of our encounter today with anyone, will be 'useful' or 'beneficial' for us.

Allah susun titik A, tiada sia-sia, dan suatu hari nanti kita bersyukur dan berterima kasih kerana telah diatur dengan takdir A.

May Allah guide me. 

May Allah bless me. 

I just loveeeee this old me, writing out my thoughts and realign it again towards His guidances. 

May Allah forgive me. 

May Allah increase knowledge for us all. Amiin

III

learnt from our muslim brothers from syria and palestine. 

Saw one video interview, regarding how the long term prisoner are able to be freed again one day, well and alive and able to return to their family:

"Allah will not abandon His believer"

Keep believing. 

friday pm and gratefulness

- bismillah -

Jumaat 300-530pm,

I am grateful when my specialist is seeing new case and teach me and the houseman about the approach to the new case. 

I am grateful for her to advise me to come earlier at 245pm in Friday. I know i should have haha. I am grateful that i come, instead of being later or not coming at all. I am grateful for the road was smooth and arrived to hospital safely and happily.

I am grateful for the detailed plan given and the follow up arranged, it really help me and the patient.

I am grateful she didnt dismiss me despite my inadequacy.

I am grateful to have clerk another new case by myself (dgn taufiq dan hidayah Allah).

I am grateful that it is only low risk jaundice, with previous investigations already written in the discharge plan previously.

I am grateful i didnt forget to plot growth chart.

I am grateful i can find the ix summary by myself.

I am grateful that the nurse noted me about a plan from another case that wasnt carried out yet since morning.

I am grateful that i dont throw temper / tantrum because i didnt see the case in the morning, it was someone else, but i am grateful that i didnt dismiss the nurse complain - okay kak i'll review that after completing my clerking.

I am grateful that i didnt say, ni bukan patient saya.

I am grateful i finished my clerking of the new case and i was able to be calm despite having to repeat simple questions to the mother until she can understand and give me answer that i want to hear.

Coming to the issue brought by the nurse, i am grateful that she reminds me.

I am grateful to take it and carry out the plan by myself.

It was to call social welfare for review and the baby can be discharged same day.

I am grateful that i only called once and the phone got answered.

The social welfare officer talked nicely, explaining the hiccups involving other party, and i said it is okay, i'll take note of that. 

I am grateful for her attitude and my attitude over the situation haha. It's a win-win, nobody gets angry nor disappointed haha. I am grateful i didnt dismiss her explanation.

I am grateful for efficient housemen, already calling for help from other mo for blood taking. 

I am grateful for my colleague who was able to get the blood c&s while i was seeing new case. I am grateful she didnt dismiss the houseman call for help, which eventually helping me too.

On top of that, i am grateful for another houseman to come and seek me, to see another new case that have been clerked partially.

I am grateful that i didnt dismiss the houseman, because the patient is not inside my cubicle.

I am grateful to have seen the third new case this evening, help the houseman to plan for the case, giving my best to manage the case.

I am grateful to be one who didnt leave my housemen when they said it's okay you can leave at 5pm but i choose to stay with them. 

I am grateful to call for help for branula from another colleagues when the housemen are already at their ends of means.

I am grateful that the branula insertion was so easy, and made easy under Allah's will, after my colleague helps. 

I am grateful that i didnt add more distress to her. She is post call and still having to review her own patients but giving time for me to help with branula insertion.

I am grateful that she didnt dismiss me.

I am grateful that the nurse tadi comes again and talk way more softly, informing about the pending task is already settled.

I am grateful.

I knew she understood that i didnt review the patient, yet, i didnt immaturely and calculatively dismissing her before when she noted to issue.

I am grateful the baby can be discharged and i already informed the mother about it.

I am grateful when i can help 3 parents asking about their babies conditions. They were in another cubicle. One after another. Yes, may-i-help-you mode activated. I am happy to help. I can read the bht and tell the plan for you to help you ease your worries parents ✨

I am grateful i didnt dismiss them.

I am grateful to help a mom searching for her mewborn 😂 she was so worried about not finding the own child, the baby was actually inside a cot at the other side just beside her 😂 she laughed when i showed her there-your-baby 🤗🤗🤗

Feeling as if i have found a lost item lel.

I am grateful that my oncall colleagues cheerfully greet me and take the passover smoothly.

I pray for smooth and happy call for them amiin.

I am grateful when a houseman comes and get the signature for discharge prescription slip, before i go home. Or else everyone will be in troubles.

I am grateful that my posting colleagues listen to my rumbles and mumbles in the wasap haha.

I am grateful.

Ps. This is the second time in paeds posting that i cried. No good reason to cry but maybe i feel overwhelmed, thus by writing this it helps me to feel at ease. No one to blame, it is just me have to be more grateful and pray may Allah always bless me.

I am weak without Allah.

Alhamdulillah for the strengths.

All the wisdoms come from Allah.

Pss. I balik lambat pun, ada orang balik lebih lambat. I didnt do well and kena tegur, ada orang lagi teruk kena marah. The world is unfair, i am sorry if i make those around me kena marah/ tak senang/ susah/ any disturbance. And vise versa, ada yg lagi salah tapi tak kena marah hehe. May Allah forgive me and everyone. 

Too much blessings, can never be counted. I shouldnt cry for no good reason right 😅🤗😂 may Allah forgive me. I want to keep this written memories, and my Allah bless me to become a specialist amiin.

#postgradjourney #towardsbetterme #mayAllahbless