Monday, October 16, 2017

Serve the immediate community

- bismillah -

This morning, i went to a private hospital to accompany my mom. I met a passionate consultant who's seeing my mom for her treatment.

Somehow, he managed to find out that i am a medical graduate. We talked about my mom's case and he even taught me how to read the xray, reminded me of my doctors in the university. We discussed about the approach first and straight to the specific treatment afterwards.

Besides that, he also advised me about my current situation. He worried about the future of doctors working in the goverment since there are booms of medical graduates each year but insufficient places of practice. He even predicted that one day, in the future, the private hospitals would even have to accomodate housemen since the gov institutions are all fully occupied. In that case, if it is that to happen, the hos serving in private practice will have more advantages because they will be mentored directly by the consultants, not by just anyone...who are above the status of ho.

Only 50% of hos will become gov's mos in the future. Where would those another half have to go?

I have heard the same idea from a private GP previously. The concern that they both stressed out to me is that, dont depend solely on the gov. The medical graduates are increasing, teaching hospitals will run out of place of practice, the competitions will rise, shorter and inadequate exposures to the hos, and other complications of "being too many of junior doctors than the country can afford to train".

The private GP i met previously sent his son to study in the UK and later served in the Singapore. The consultant i met this morning questioned me why i dont go to the USA (take usmle). By working overseas, they said, that i can climb high and practice adequately. The gov's sector is not very promising.

I agreed with some of their points. I even felt a bit of regret for not studying for usmle while i was in medical school (like a bunch of my arab friends did, we malaysians just enjoy studying mbbs at our own pace huhu). And if i want to take the exams now, i dont think my saving can cover the cost. Next, after regretting why i dont study much, now i regret why i dont save much.

However, practically thinking, i think i have had it enough. I have studied full throttle as much as i can, the sufferings cant go beyond my control, and i had put aside some money from my loans enough to bring the money back to malaysia with 5 digits.

I do not regret anything.

Yes, going to uk or us or singapore seems very promising, one can climb the career ladder high, but i dont think that the path is for me. I am not ready to leave my immediate community behind (again) after living in the middle east for half a decade. There are too many things i have missed since i left malaysia. Especially my parents, their aging days, their disease development, their everyday life and everything. I just cant afford to handle all things in life alone in the other side of the continent anymore. It was very tiring to live and survive in a community who are not even close to us. Embracing all the (domestic, economic, social, spiritual, etc) challenges would be too much for me especially when i have to adapt to the stressing residency life later.

So, this is my path. Waiting for SPA, and go with the flow, just like the rest. I have to promise myself to strive and survive the path i have chosen. Everybody is the same, we are struggling for our own satisfaction. I think i will have to revise my values on life satisfaction.

It may be difficult, but my faith in His plan should be firm and I must trust Him. That what ever i do, what ever happens, is all in His control.

May He bless me with all the best things in the dunia and akhirat.

***
At night, coincidentally i watched an episode of a chinese drama:

"This is Dr He Jing, a post graduate doctor (resident). She worked in People's Hospital xxx (suburb). She has performed 1000 CS during her career. Has anyone (the directors who present) in this room is as experienced as her?" - Deputy Director Dr Qu Ming, from Obstetrician drama hehe.

He slammed all the arrogant directors who opposed He Jing's involvement in a special surgery since she was only a training resident who dont have a written qualifications and seniority.

Well, i learnt something from that point of view. If you are good enough, what more if you are exceptional, you can achieve your best performance just anywhere...

Hargailah pengalaman. Itulah anugerah dan kekayaan sebenar. Bukan pengiktirafan dan bukan gelaran.

Start humble, proceed high up staying humble.

Dicampak ke laut menjadi pulau, dicampak ke gunung menjadi lembah.

Berguna.
Bermanfaat.
Berusaha utk memberi.

Sedaya upaya, tanpa melupakan Allah pemilik segala ketetapan dan keizinan.

Dapat posting di mana pun, semoga Allah izinkan yg terbaik. Permulaan dan pengakhiran yg diredhai.

Serve your immediate community.

Ada rezeki, serve beyond them.

Takkan ada kepuasan hati di dunia ini. Serve lah sampai syurga. Bukan berhenti bila dah dapat sesuatu, bukan berhenti bila masih tak dapat apa2.

Your satisfaction in your career, is only after you have achieved His blessings in Jannah.

Dont stop.
Dont lose the striving mode.

Strive! For His blessing.

Friday, October 13, 2017

A memorable friday

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah untuk hari ni. Jumaat yang mendung dan hujan.

Pagi2 lagi bangun lepas subuh mulanya golek2 atas katil tapi kemudian decide nak bangun pergi dapur. Bila ada determination maka langkah lebih mudah dan lebih celik haha.

Masuk dapur mula2 sekali selak langsir. Nampak sunrise depan rumah di sebalik bukit. Ma shaa Allah. Dapur mcm dimly lit in natural light. Awww mcm nak spend time minum panas sambil tgk sunrise. Tp sebab nak bancuh air xnampak, terpaksa la buka jugak lampu.

Sambil minum (hari ni selera white coffee) sambil tengok sunrise. Lampu off course dah padam selepas siap bancuh air. Suasana makin cerah. Sambil duduk di meja makan yang menghadap matahari, sambil belek buku resepi. Hirup white coffee. #perfectmorninggituwww

Dah tgk buku resepi, pagi2 pulak tu, rasa banyakkk benda nak cuba buat. So by end of my cup of coffee, dah siap dua grocery list yang panjang, satu list utk nat (pasar pagi), satu list utk pasaraya (ke giant kah kita).

Pukul 8 pagi keluar sekejap naik kancil dengan mak dan ayah pergi beli nasi lemak dan kuih muih. Haha. Hari ni sengaja tak goreng nasi macam hari2 lain. Lagipun sepanjang minggu nih tak keluar beli makanan waktu pagi sekali pun lagi. Hari2 makan nasi goreng hehe.

Lepas makan sarapan keluar pulak ke nat. Alhamdulillah. By the time habis beli, sempat masuk ke dlm kereta sbelum hujan turun lebat. Penattt berkejar dlm rintik2 tu. Ayah took some time before his breath becomes normal 😂 tersandar kejap baru boleh start kereta. Sempat beli ayam kampung, ayam bandar haha, sayur, pisang, buah mata kucinggg.

Lepas tu pergi giant. Mak dan ayah tunggu dlm kereta. Me, went alone inside with my longgg grocery list.

Kesian jugak mak ayah tapi nak buat mcm mana. Mungkin lps2 ni kena drive snediri.

Dlm giant pagi jumaat tak ramai orang. Jumpa baking pan promo murah gill, and completed my list in 1 hour. Huhu. or more. Tp overall process was smooth, barang dlm troli dah susun ikut sejuk, basah, tin, serbuk, kaca, keras, lembik etc so bila cashier scan everything boleh masuk ikut group plastik yg sama dgn cepat.

Tapi ada satu pack blueberi yg saya lupa nk scan. No, ingatkan tak perlu timbang sbb harga jual per pack bukan per kilo. Cashier plak takda barcode. Urmmmmmm. Patah balik ke tempat org timbang, mak ai queue panjanggggg. Tapi alhamdulillah ada ilham (baca: lifehack) saya pergi amik gambar barcode dan harga (lgpun jual per pack bukan per kilo so tayah timbang). And patah balik ke cashier dengan muka bangga kasi phone dekat dia. Haha.

Balik umah around 1130am dah. Ttba lapar, masak aglio olio spagetti sbb udang dah ready yg haritu dlm peti ais. Ayam beli nat tadi dah selamat masuk dlm freezer. Haha. Nampaknya menu tengah hari di anjak ke dinner. Tgh hari makan spagetti yg tak dirancang...dah tu ja yg cepat.

Lps solat zohor, pkul 230pm barulah mula masak barang2 yg beli tadi. Menu nasi hujan panas, ayam masak merah dan acar timun. Alhamdulillah. Pukul 5pm lepas org azan asar baru habis masak ayam dan nasi. Pinggang, tumit, lutut semua rasa nak tercabut dah. Berhenti masak pi smayang dulu. Tanya mak dan ayah depa kata taknak makan lagi.

Ayah baring kejap sejak petang sbb sakit belakang. Mak pun tak larat. Ada wafa utk ceriakan depa.
I enjoying my time dekat dapur. Sampai rasa energy drained. Padahal masak ja pun. Myb tak benti berjalan/berdiri dari pagi. Dah siap masak sekali basuh2 periuk.

Senja tu, dalam keadaan mengantuk, letih, tak larat tu, barulah duduk di meja utk potong sayur buat acar. Timun, carrot, bawang. Potong slow2, taking my time sbb confirm makan lps maghrib nanti and bukan sekarang. Siap gaul garam, gula dan cuka, simpan dlm peti sejuk.

Azan maghrib, solat, finally makan time! Dah siap reheat, hidang, tapi...

Kena tukar pampers wafa plak. Selalunya tokwan yg handle bab2 nih, tapi hari ni tokwan sakit...huhuhu maka maksu lah take over.

It was my first time basuh kencing budak. Urmmmmmmm. Haha. Demi cintaku pada ibu ayah haha.

Then barulah boleh duduk dan makan. Finally!

Alhamdulillah. Nasi elok sukatan air so boleh makan, ayam masak penuh tak mentah mcm kedai kadang tu haha, acar pun sempat sejuk dan meresap. Overall i am happy i can serve my family dinner. Alhamdulillah.

Lps makan tu, terus ada tenaga haha. Recharged. Basuh pinggan, lap dapur (sebab ayah baru cuci semalam so hari ni banyak mercik minyak masa buat ayam masak merah tadi, kesian kat ayah), tonyoh sinki, wipe counters, alhamdulillah...very fulfilling. Macam dah hilang fatigue tadi.

Sambil tu masak air panas, buat teh utk diri sendiri. Abang sekeluarga baru sampai utk tidur di rumah sini weekend nih. Alhamdulillah, hari ni mak mmg suruh masak lebih utk abang balik anak beranak makan sama.

Lepas layan teh panas, minum kopi pula dgn mak dan ayah di depan tv. Alhamdulillah for this chance.

Duduk sekejap di ruang tamu, baca buku abc dengan wafa. Main belon etc.

Pukul 1130pm mula tulis post nih.
Now ending at 1248am saturday. Alhamdulillah for this one of my most memorable fridays.

May Allah bless me and my family. Amiin.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Reflection: candle light dinner

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah, hari ni (Jumaat) hujan.

Petang tadi takda letrik kejap sampai waktu maghrib. Maka kami sekeluarga pun makan malam diterangi cahaya lampu. Candlelight dinner. Haha.

Nasi dah dimasak oleh mak atas dapur gas, tinggal nak panaskan lauk yg beli tengah hari tapi masih dalam plastik. Bila tak boleh guna microwave, susah nya lahai nak reheat. Satu-satu lauk dibuka dari dalam plastik masuk ke periuk utk dipanaskan. Bila dah siap panas, tuang masuk ke dalam mangkuk hidang. Sejukkan periuk, basuh mesti bersabun pula, kan kuah berminyak. Ulang proses ini sebanyak 3-4 jenis lauk huhuhu.

Jika ada letrik, tuang lauk masuk dlm mangkuk, masuk dlm microwave, siap dihidang!

Itulah kemudahan yang tak pernah disyukuri sebelum ni...huhu. bila tak ada letrik baru nak sedar.

Ada lauk kerabu satu bungkus, jadi selamat...tak perlu panaskan.

Sewaktu lauk ketiga tgh dipanaskan atas dapur, tiba2 api padam...

Lup.

Gas habis!

Omg.

Letrik tak ada, gas tak ada, dari mana nak dapatkan sumber haba?

Luckily, itu lauk terakhir yg perlu dipanaskan...

Siap hidang semua, makanlah kami sekeluarga + keluarga abang hidangan makan malam yang panas dlm cahaya lilin. Alhamdulillah. Seadanya. Secukupnya.

Abang kata, lama tak makan macam ni...

Dulu2 masa sebelum kakak dan abang ada keluarga sendiri, kami berlima anak beranak tinggal serumah kerap juga tak ada letrik. Maka semua orang akan kumpul setempat, pasang lilin dekat ruang tamu selalunya, dan akan buat aktiviti masing2 di atas sofa masing2. Seorang di hujung sana mengipas2 dengan surat khabar (kakak), yg di sini pasang radio perlis utk dengar apa2 berita semasa (abang), ada yang bising2 gatal berpeluh ataupun buat2 tidur (adik), cakap telefon tanya rumah2 yang lain (mak), bawa torchlight ronda dalam rumah pergi tutup kotak suis utama dan kadang luar rumah utk tengok lampu jalan sama ada menyala atau tak (ayah)...dan itulah rutin dulu2 berlima...sekarang pun lebih kurang role masing2
..cuma tambah kemeriahan cucu2 main dlm gelap...

Ayah pula kata lepas makan malam tadi, zaman dulu2 pakai lampu pelita minyak gas saja, tak ada letrik. Tapi dunia tak rasa sempit pun.

Kecukupan tu ada. Sense of adequacy. Feeling contented.

Jadi, sekali sekala, kena selami hidup yang 'serba kekurangan'. Nampak saja mcm ada yang kurang, tapi jika boleh latih diri utk bersyukur dan rasa cukup, maka keadaan 'serba kekurangan' itu adalah ruang yang memberi 'kekayaan jiwa'.

So, when is the 'poor' moment that gives you the rich feeling? :)

Less is more, indeed.

P.s. tapi lepas makan tadi tak ada minum kopi lah sebab nak jimat air panas dlm flask. Kehkeh.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Nothing

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Still breathing and alive.

I'm sorry about my previous post, it was full of frustration with the underlying health problem.

Currently i still have no idea what should i be doing now. Sounds very unproductive of me right?

Yeah. It has been about 4 months since i made any achievement.

How frustrating is that?

Anyway, alhamdulillah. I started to count my blessing, especially the one i think it may be simple or small.

Breathing, shelter, food, family, health ...

Those small mundane blessings are indeed significant.
To my faith, to my motivation.
Allah has said that, if we are grateful He will surely add some more.

Well, dont take things for granted.

And let us train our mind, that
We express our thanks and gratefulness to Allah, is part of our duty, our ibadah, not merely wanting to add some more (eventho we cant deny the wants).

We are all His servants, remember? Of course it is fine to seek Him whenever we need and feeling inadequate. Seek only Him.

May Allah grant me and you the sustenance and the sufficient feeling.

P.s. i feel all alone currently even in the presence of my loved ones.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Random dreams

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Allah izin masuk ke tahun baru hijrah.

To cut short, here is my list of dreams yang worth dreaming...nak capai ke tak tu, rezeki.

1) mongolia / central asia -stan2 punya negara
2) makan samyang

Hehe. Sebagaimana nak pergi mongolia / central asia trip tu mahal?...macam tak mampu je?...mcm kena usaha lebih je?...mcm xdak sapa nak teman ja?

Begitulah juga samyang.

Teringin. Orang viral sana sini. Kawan siap buat stok, buat bisnes masa kat jordan, tapi aku tak pernah try.

Macam nk pergi mongolia, padang rumput, camping bawah langit, duduk dlm tent, naik pony?, atau turkmenistan, kazahkstan, uzbekistan (told u all -stan2 countries) byk architecture yg luar alam, kesan2 sejarah silk route, etc,

Rasa teringin...

Mcm tu lah jugak rasa nk makan samyang.

Tapi, tahu x, sejak balik malaysia...my gerd datang balik lately. Bloating, heartburn, pakej diarhea vomiting demam myalgia athralgia bagai....sebab tak jaga makan. Sebab makan sukahati.

Nasi lemak (sambal) setiap pagi.
Goreng2.
Gulai. Kari.

Dan milo.

Kat jordan tak ada milo. (Ada galaxy, mars, snickers, cadburry choc drink ahaha)

Semua makanan tu bila masuk perut, dia berperang.

And tambah factor tido suka hati tanpa bantal tinggi masa kat umah.

Samyang is just a dream. That is too good to be true. Kalau dapat pun, it hurts me.

To all GERD or GORD sufferers - cum survivors - out there, plus lactose intolerance if any, i need your motivation to live with strong gut.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Bahang september 2011

- bismillah -

Baru baca bab 1 buku puan Roza Roslan, travelog kehidupan abadi. Bab 1 beliau cerita pasal kali pertama jejak ke luar negara. Entri beliau tajuknya mulut berasap.

Amazing. Beliau ceritakan yg beliau pernah doa nak sampai ke luar negara, even to the extent that kalau beliau sendiri xleh, moga2 boleh pergi dengan jodoh. Woah. What an amazing determination she had!

And Allah kabulkan doa beliau :)

When she captured her first memory upon landing in scotland, it seemed fresh and wonderful. Making me to think, why shouldnt i write mine too? As a form of fresh and wonderful memory...

Masa pertama kali ke luar negara, naik flight MAS, chartered, sewa khas untuk hantar pelajar tajaan JPA ke Amman dan Cairo. The flight was filled with smartly dressed us in suits, with blazer and white shirt and scarf. Pheww. Semua orang waktu itu mungkin mata berkaca2, bawa sinar dan semangat nak hidup di tempat baru - luar negara, yang dah jadi impian sejak sekolah - dan ada juga yang bersinar mata berkaca sebab sedih tinggalkan kampung halaman. Haha.

Waktu tu, saya sikit pun tak menangis. Semasa lambai keluarga di KLIA pun saya tak sedih. Yang saya tahu, i am going to jordan! I'm going to oversea! Dah nak flyyyyyy

While my mom dah berair air mata, sedu sedan. Kakak pegang satu beg plastik yang ada lebihan baju, sebab beg kargo untuk chartered flight ni tak boleh lebih 25kg. Yeah, memang tak cukup lah untuk sara hidup bertahun2 urmmm. Bayar utk 5 extra kilo for 3kg, selebihnya buka beg dekat airport dan buang (bawa balik umah ler).

Tapi walau ada masalah macam tu pun, saya masih tak sedih! Hehe.

Cumanya, bila dah turun ekskalator untuk ke kaunter imigresen, saya dongakkan kepala mencari mereka. Nampak mak yg tgh sedih, nampak ayah yang cool, kakak yang tgh amik gambar, abang yang sengih melambai....sambil menurun tangga tu, masa tu rasa sayu. No, i cant show them my sadness or worry, saya kata dalam hati. Bila dah cop imigresen, terus ke polis/kastam pula untuk cek barang.

Rupa2nya, itulah kali pertama dan terakhir cop...(sebab lepas tu pergi balik pakai autogate haha). Tahun 2011.

Bila dah masuk flight, saya dapat seat tepi tingkap, seat berdua. Tapi memandangkan masa tu semua stok alim baru lepas sekolah menengah, saya pun tukarlah tempat untuk duduk sebelah perempuan. Urmmmm. Duduk di tengah. Seat berempat. Sebelah kanan perempuan, rupanya sebelah kiri lelaki jugak. -_-

Duduklah dengan tak bergerak banyak sangat selama 10 jam (xingat). Teruja dengan meal course yang banyak atas flight, peramugari yang baik layan adik2, everything is fine. Alhamdulillah.

Bila dah dekat nak sampai, langit dah tak biru sangat. Awan putih pun tak nampak. Tapi macam kelabu, kuning2, mcm dalam udara berpasir.

Tengok bawah rupanya padang pasir! Boleh nampak sebab meninjau dari kejauhan walaupun duduk seat tengah.

Dah dekat nak landing, rasa macam takut, berdebar. Tiba2 ada kawan tepi tingkap cakap, "eh, tu unta tengah berlari!" "Weh aku nampak kaktus!" Hahahaha. Mula2 macam nak percaya. Tapi bila fikir balik, mana nak nampak sebab tinggi lagiiiii hahaha. Semua orang gelak. Hilang takut nak landing.

Dan kami pun selamat landing. Turun flight dengan tangga masuk ke dalam bas yany sedang tunggu untuk bawa ke terminal. Serius, airport QAIA masa tu macam cerita james bond pergi padang pasir.

Dalam bas tu, semua orang muka happy. Ada yang tangkap gambar, ada yang ambil video. Ada sorang kawan siap buat seolah dokumentari. Jokes mereka sedikit sebanyak menghilangkan rasa debar dalam dada.

So, airport tu bangunan coklat, tak ada cat, ada lubang2 ventilation. Macam istana lama binaan konsep mediavel. Semua orang pergi solat dulu. Surau dia masa tu, urmmmm. Tak ada pintu, hanya sebuah bilik berkarpet yang mashem dan dilapisi tirai putih yang tak bersih. Toilet? Pakai kendi aladin untuk tadah air paip. Getah paip? Apa tu? Boleh makan?

Baunya usah ditanya.

Masa tu, reflect kejap. Macam ni ker jordan? Airport buruk yang amat.

Rupanya, itulah kali pertama dan terakhir....
(lepas tu kerajaan jordan buat airport baru! Siap jadi airport terbaik di middle east sebelum airport qatar amik alih haha. Design QAIA sama macam KLIA. haha)

So tak ada dah la airport zaman koboi untuk sambut adik2 yang baru datang lepas batch kami.

Keluar dari airport, naik bas, dari airport ke Irbid ambik masa yang panjang. 3 jam. Cuaca panas. Bahang. Hangat. It's summer in Jordan at that time. Temp mungkin above 30 degrees. Kakak2 dan abang2 senior cakap taklimat sikit, beri air dan makanan, lalu kami semua pun tidur kepenatan...

Thursday, September 14, 2017

Flee

- bismillah -

Reading and writing have been forms of escapism for me.

I read and spend my whole afternoon reading in the school library every school days because i can only go home after my parents call it an end to their day at work.

I write a lot of blogposts when i have coming exams around the corner.

My journal is most useful and tediously filled when i have the most hectic week or month.

I splurge on books when i worried i may not do something useful while waiting for job placement.

And whenever something i dont like happenned, i spend the rest of my day locked in my room, reading any books i found on the table, or finished my current reading.. and the longer the resentment the more i can just finish the book i read in just a session.

I even wrote this post as my escapism over what happened outside my room.

Ignoring the hunger and thirst, reading and writing make me full and come to my sense again. I cant control what is happening around me, but i can choose my action and take responsibilty upon it.

I choose to escape, i gained peace of mind and pretending to not have some harsh realities or adversities in life, and i will have to bear the consequence of unsolved problems that may arise...

Serve the immediate community

- bismillah - This morning, i went to a private hospital to accompany my mom. I met a passionate consultant who's seeing my mom for her...