Tuesday, August 15, 2017

A day to remember

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Lps grad, bermula lah urusan nak mohon kerja.

Mula2 kena isi borang SPA, lapor diri dengan penaja, kemudian isi borang MMC utk mintak lesen nak kerja.

On 17/7/17, i went to KL with ayah all the way from Perlis. Sebab mak tak sihat, jadi mak stay dekat rumah saja, kami datang berdua. It was our first time taking ETS, and ayah was excited that he didnt sleep at all during the 5-hour journey.

We accidentally bought 2 tickets at  discounted rates (it was supposed to be only for my father's ticket to receive pensioner rebate but i got one too with the same rate). So we went to the counter (bought online in the first place) and asked for an exchange but the crew said that we had to fill a form for refund. My sister said that it's useless to refund because she said the company never (seemed not) entertain her requests of refund before, so she advised us to buy a new one instead.

Well, we ended up taking the train with 3 seats for 2. Eventhough we have to pay more, and it was not neccessary that they will check the rate :p, but this decision to buy a new ticket had save us from anxious feeling and guilt for 5-hour journey. In short, we had paid another RM98 to buy piece of mind.

Hurmm.Takut gak tiba2 dia cek pasai pa tiket RM53 ja utk budak ni 😅 pencen kot celah mana...pangg cop penipu. Nauzubillah min zalik.

P/s well, it is hard to write again after you've stopped for a while.

Monday, July 31, 2017

future doctor and marriage

- bismillah -

"Being a physician is a marital stressor."
Either not getting/giving appropriate support needed, it depressed you. or lucky to have ones but later losing (death of) the loved ones, making one to risk for depression too.
Ever wonder why there are multiple verses in Quran mentioning about hazan? That Allah says one of the rewards of being His good faithful servant is that you shall not be sad? (Only Allah know the real meaning of 'sadness' mentioned in quran. But our job is to pray that we dont get sad in the dunia nor the akhirat punya sadness). And why our beloved prophet Muhammad said his prayer everyday in the ma'thurat to seek refuge with Allah from sadness?
Because depression and sadness are real challenges in life. Real threats. To the health, faith, life... Of which we need the ultimate protection to begin with.
Anyway, this medical path is beautiful since it makes us to not love/enjoy/take for granted the dunya sooo much than the hereafter. Seeing defects and perfections of creations everyday, diseases and cures complementing one another, should soothe our wild soul yearning for freedom from scheduled fate, freedom from obeying our Creator. There are multiple ways to tame the naughty cheating lost souls from just wandering around.
Remember Him. Get attached with Him. The only way out during our ups and downs.
Advices to the current and future me, and around me.
16/5/17 Facebook post.

my opinion after reading the below article:

Doctors and Depression: Suffering in Silence

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Perempuan berkalung serban

- bismillah -

Because i believe marriage is about growing each other's potential,
Creating independence over dependence,
Tolerance, patience and loyalty,
This story is really my cuppa tea haha.

I admire how Khudori patiently and gently wait for his wife before they can be together. I think it was quite some time till she regained courage to start the relationship. His wife was apparently scared from her previous experience with her ruthless ex-husband. Khudori also dont rush about having children, of which totally opposite with the ex-husband.

A strong woman does not need to depend on men for her life to succeed, but to accept a man's love doesnt mean she is weak. - i dont remember the exact quote but these words are sent by Khudori to soften Annisa's heart to accept him as her husband.

And after a while, their relationship bloomed, her career has advanced, she thanked her husband for his endless support. She thanked him and said that she couldnt have achieved the current stage if it wasnt because of him, that she admitted that she need him to be by her side. In other words, she started to depend on him for his support and care. She said she couldnt afford to lose him anymore.

Khudori stopped her, and said that she shouldnt depend only on him. He acknowledged that her success was due to her efforts. And he apparently didnt want her to lose her independent trait!

Marriage shouldnt create dependency up to the level that one cannot live if their partner are not by their side anymore.

One day, Khudori got into a motorcycle crash and was hit by a passing car. Annisa was left widowed with their newborn.

I cried during the scene. How could she survived? Isnt it too much for her, since she was about to start a good relationship after suffering from abusive mariage previously.

But she is a strong woman, remember?
And her husband had never cause her to be solely dependent on him. She was sad but she could move on.

Because she believes that a strong woman should never depend solely on a man's shoulder.

This film is a critic about the old mindset and unneceesary labelling to gender roles. Men shouldnt help in the kitchen? Women should never voice her concern out? No way.

In the end, there was a symbolic scene where Annisa purposely threw away a piece of serban, left alone flown by the wind.
Guess the meaning?

Who says that she needs a serban to entangle her neck (steps) in her own life?

Freedom. Break free from gender dependency.

Sehingga aku kental seperti Annisa,
Sehingga ku ketemu persis Khudori,
Barulah menikah.

Monday, July 10, 2017


- bismillah -

Apa perasaan balik for good?

Tekak yang haus akan mencari air.

Hati yang gering, perlu disiram tarbiah.

Rindu nak berusrah 😥
Dulu2 kalau usrah xjalan, boleh buat usrah sendiri dgn kawan2 or adik2. Tapi Allah izin, usrah jalan setiap minggu sekali.

Semoga hati ini sentiasa condong pada mentari kebaikan.
Agar teduhnya dapat memayungi tanah,
Menumbuhkan pucuk baru.

Friday, June 30, 2017

My graduation day

- bismillah -

Yesterday was my bachelor degree's convocation day. Held at my university stadium, outdoor.

But i am here, in malaysia.

It was the second time that i didnt attend a graduation ceremony. I even missed my high school graduation day. Hehehe. The last time i attended a graduation ceremony (my own) was during preschool!

(*Attended sister's convo tho.)

Anyways, i dont have any regret. Because i have to turned down those two occasions out of family matters.

Alhamdulillah, family #no1.

Semoga Allah ganti yg lebih baik, graduation utk master plak. Amiin.

(within 10 tahun lagi AMIIN in shaa Allah)

Hehe. 2 tahun HO, 2 tahun MO, 4 tahun master...

Zzz indahnya memasang angan.

Dah la haritu sepupu sepapat dah bagi warning cakap HO ni fatrah yg teruk dan menguji ketahanan... (memang betul pun huhuhu)

Takpa, psychology cakap, kena ada aim lebih tinggi utk boleh pergi jauh daripada current condition. Tengok jauh supaya yg dekat nampak kecik. Kehkehkeh.

Btw, amazingly, semalam (hari convo) Allah izin pakai baju yg dah plan nak dipakai, and had photoshoot with mom and dad in the house compound. Background pokok kerkuk pun boleh hahaha.


Sebab dah set up mindset my degree ni is a journey, bukan destination. Kalau target amik degree sebab nak grad convo, mesti kecewa sbb xdpt attend. But then, i think i have appreciated all the moments during mbbs journey, that attending graduation ceremony is not the most  important agenda.


Dan lagi satu reasoning (baca: hikmah aka pujuk diri sendiri haha) xattend ialah...
Sejak dulu sebenarnya saya risau sbb nanti kena duduk ikut university number..which means, i will have to seat in between two men. Urm. Jarak tak kisah sebab kerusi masing2, tapi mcm mana nak selfieee hahahaha...

Jem. Blueberry.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Selamat hari raya aidilfitri 1438H

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Tahun ni beraya di kampung halaman dengan mak dan ayah. Bertiga sahaja. Hehe.

Ok lah kadar kemeriahannya walaupun takda suara kanak2, malam raya pakai mask aloe vera dengan mak, pagi raya tolong cuci muka ayah dgn micellar water. Sambil sapu2 dengan kapas muka mereka berdua, rasa sayu pun ada.

Pagi tadi pergi masjid dengan ayah utk sembahyang raya. Salah satu quote khutbah yg menusuk kalbu, ialah,
"Antara tanda amalan seseorang dlm bulan ramadan itu diterima, ialah, lepas ramadan pun kita masih istiqamah berterusan dengan amalan itu..."

Contohnya baca quram, solat, jadi baik hati, bersedekah..dll.

Kalau kita masih sambung buat lagi amalan, alhamdulillah... Kalau malas tu, erm cepat2 rajinkan diri sebab tak nak pikir what if time ramadan ritu tak diterima? Nauzubillah min zalik.

Alhamdulillah, Allah izin grad sebelum raya. People congratulate me and my parents. Ada juga yg bagi warning, sebab HO-ship nanti susah. Huhu. Betul cakap beliau, tapi at least boleh jadikan kata2 beliau sebagai peringatan. Lagipun, peringatan kan bagus dan bermanfaat utk org mukmin? Semoga Allah golongkan dalam kalangan mukminin. Amiin.

Raya2 ni ramai yg kawen, dapat anak, etc. Hehe. Tak tipu, tapi mixed feeling jugaklah tengok newsfeed. Dalam flight naik balik raya ritu, ada baby nangis, budak2 menjerit bla bla, itupun saya dah rasa rimas. Hahaha. Mcm mana nak jadi mak orang wehhh. Anak saudara baru 3 orang pun dah bergegar rumah. Omaigod. So that fefeeling tak nak raya single, kita letak tepi dulu...raya single is better for me now...hehe.

Pagi raya sempat sembang dgn mak cik tepi masjid, mak kawan sekolah rendah merangkap jiran sekampung, dia kata dia duk sorang2 la bila my friend balik umah suaminya, tapi cepat2 makcik senyum, cakap, "TAKPA, ALLAH ADA..."

I think her words made my day. Pagi raya dah dapat taujihad hehe.

So farhana, takpa, Allah ada...

:) Jangan mixed feeling ok?

Selamat hari raya!

Monday, June 19, 2017

Catatan ramadan 1438H #4

- bismillah -

So, right there in front of the kaabah i was standing as a poor girl. No phone, no money, nothing. I only had a bottle of zam2 water in my hand and a plastic bag containing my shoes. And my watch. My specs too. The rest, are my soul and body.

I was standing poor in front of the kaabah,
For two hours.
The polices saw me crying,
The indons, the other pilgrims.
Luckily it was a normal reaction,
Thousands people have been crying in front of the kaabah.

I was standing poor in front of the kaabah,
I cannot do the prayers,
I even hesitate to sit.
Because after tawaf wida3,
The last tawaf one should do before going home,
Nobody can do anything else,
But go home.
But there, i was standing poor in front of the kaabah.

My mind started to speak,
I remembered how Allah reminds us about how poor we are,
يا ايّها النّاس انتم الفقراء الى الله،
Yet, we have always think we have everything in this life.
No, we need Him for everything.

There, in front of the kaabah, i was standing poor.
My hips screaming in ache for standing.
Has it been an hour has passed?
It feels long, i mumbled.

I was standing poor in front of the kaabah,
Thinking about borrowing money from any malaysian i see.
To take a taxi back to hotel.
I can do the bank transfer later.
I can do this and that,
Thinking and planning,
But i dont have the courage to ask one for some money.
Can you?

I was sitting - tired of standing - poor in front of the kaabah,
No money, nor have nothing.
Thinking that it's okay - i have water with me, i can survive for 3 days with water only,
When an indon lady came and greeted me,
Her finger pointing towards my bottle.
She had some of the water,
For wuduk.
I think i was poor, i then think i am rich.
Water is lessen then, i am poor.

I was sitting as a poor figure in front of the kaabah,
Witnessing the birds' silhouette against the dimly light sky.
Sunrise is already there,
But the sunshine has just started to hit the first corner of kaabah,
Reflecting the gold writings of arabic calligraphy.
Allah said,
ومن يعظّم شعاءر الله فإنّه من تقوى القلوب.
The kaabah is about 2-storey tall,
I can see lines of blocks underneath the kiswah.

I was sitting poor in front of kaabah,
Thinking about prophet Yunus,
When he was trapped,
In the darkness of a whale's gut.
لا الٰه الّا انت
سبحانك انّي كنت من الظالمين

I was sitting, thinking how to go to hotel with no money.
It has been late,
I need way out.
A promise has been breached, again, for the second time.
I was poor, i should never trust to His servant to the max.

I was sitting poor i front of the kaabah,
Waiting for somebody to fetch me.
Waiting and waiting.
Until i realised how poor i am to even be fetched.
I forget i was a poor young lady, not the rich awaited princess.

I was sitting poor in front of the kaabah,
Thinking about ways out.
ومن يتّق الله يجعل له مخرجا
فقلو استغفروا انّه كان غفّارا
استغفر الله
استغفر الله
استغفر الله

I was poor to trust His servant when i have Him above all,
I was poor to wait for any of His servants,
I was poor for thinking on my own,
I was poor of my body and soul,
Physically and mentally, i was insufficient.
I sat there, crying, waiting, thinking.
My back aching hard.

I was there, now standing, started to take walk to hotel shuttle busses.
I was poor, to remember only about promise that became lie,
"We would get to hotel together, i have no money with me",
That i forget about this free shuttle bus.
It took another millions steepy steps,
I passed to the opposite side of the kaabah,
Door side to the golden shower,
Taking steps towards my usual iktikaf place,
Mesmerising my favorite place.
There were still same people lying under the hiroms,
Just that no more poor little girl who joins them or sometimes sitting alone in the middle reciting quran.
I passed through the steepy hill,
Under 30-something degree of morning 8 am sun.
Found the bus, only the drive was inside.
I pray i wont be alone.
And later a family came in.

This is how i bade goodbye to the al-haram.

A day to remember

- bismillah - Alhamdulillah. Lps grad, bermula lah urusan nak mohon kerja. Mula2 kena isi borang SPA, lapor diri dengan penaja, kemudian i...