Sunday, November 12, 2017

Overnight changes

- bismillah -

When i left malaysia for my study in jordan 6 years ago, i have nothing in my mind to worry for, except that it maybe the last time for me to meet my family if anything bad happen.

Eventually, with the fear in mind, i fly back home to malaysia on every holiday. The shortest one was for 1 week duration, with 3 days for travelling. The longest time was for about 2 months (6-7 weeks), that was for my elective posting at the state hospital in my hometown.

In the early years, my parents would have send me at KLIA, most of the time driving there all the way from perlis (my sis lives in cheras). There was one time they accompanied me with return flight tickets from Alor Star to KLIA, on the same day. It was a memory worth to be treasured since that was the first time flying for my mother. I still remember how was her reaction then when taking off. And as the time went by, i went alone to KLIA, with my parents only sent me back to jordan at the alor star airport.

That were some stories about departures. How about arrivals? Well, there were more occasions that they fetched me at the alor star airport more than at klia. So, i can only walked fast and queued for the lift to level 5 at the klia arrival hall. Most of the time, i dared not to look at any one who was standing there at the arrival hall because i know nobody was waiting for me, at least there. However, upon arriving at the alor star airport, i was the first to leave the plane, and hurriedly went to the belt to fetch my luggages. And i would search for my beloved parents faces as they were waiting at the arrival hall. I remembered how once i hugged tight my mom who was standing there, in front of everyone there.

Well, the next time i went home, i found my mom sitting at the chair im the arrival hall. And the last time i went home for good after graduating, i got my mom and dad still able to fetch me at the airport, buy this only my dad coming out of the car. My mom, stays in her seat since it was difficult and painful for her to get out.


How are my parents sending me at departures, and them fetching me at the arrivals gradually changing?

It was due to my mother's health condition. She has OA on her hips bilaterally. Over the years, the OA progressing badly. They even couldnt attend my graduation ceremony in jordan eventhough that was what we had intended to since the beginning of my study.

With multifactorial reasons, me too didnt attend the ceremony. I left jordan for good after my final exams and getting the results clear.

I spent about 4 months at home with my parents. Despite the deteriorating pain, my mother works around the house everyday. Her ikigai (i think) is about setting the house at its best condition, in and out. So there was one day she could be found (asking me) vacuuming the floors, and maybe another day telling (me again) to rake up the dry leaves in the house compound. She had limping gait, but that never stopped her. On the day of her surgery, she even sawed small tree branches on her own. Well, her hands did most of the works since her hips OA had compromised her standing and walking functions.

After 4 months of so much things to do, so much places to clean, so frequent the dry leaves piling up, i was left to do everything alone.

My mother now is wheelchair-bound or needing the walking frame, at least for 3 months as the doctor advised before she can walk on her own. That is to stabilise and strengthen her new implant.

Can you imagine? I was used to do everything with my mom and dad, all the odd jobs in and around the house, from the morning till evening routines of cleaning and clearing the house, and now the routines have changed. In a drastic way.

Within a night, she can no longer go to the eneven ground she used to when imspecting the mango trees. To make it worse, nobody takes over her job of taking care the harumanis trees. While me and my dad only focused our attention of taking care my mom.

The first week after discharge from the hospital was tough. I dont want to remember details of that, but all of us fight our tears everyday. Only my mom broke down often almost every night, but me and my other family members hold it back on our own. Well, it is emotionally disturbing to have lost our ability to walk so sudden, right? Luckily this just for temporary 3 months. I want to fly with my mom and dad, again.. Amiin.

And now, everything runs smoothly alhamdulillah. Today has been day 20 post op. We need another 70 days to reach 3 months rehab time. My mother can independently take care of her own now, eventhough she may need help with moving around the house. I help with the laundry, cleaning jobs and some cooking. Most of the time, i struggle to make everything becomes a routine. Uhuhuhu. I was one spoilt child who woke up at noon and found my breakfast ready on the table before, now i have become a better housechild cum housekeeper. Hahahaha.

Anyway, alhamdulillah. I can sense that i had a more fulfilling life now compared to before. And i have managed to curb my online shopping habits, soften down the urge to travel, travel and travel. Hahaha. Because currently i have so much things to do around the house that i no longer need to go somewhere else hahaha.

Alhamdulillah, for this fulfilling life i have now.

I must remember, Allah is always with us. And all things in the dunya, the good or the bad, are all temporary.

Because only Allah is eternal.

So i must be grateful for every good moments, and be patient for every not-so-good moments.

That's it. Enough writing theraphy for today. Pray for my mom speedy recovery.


P/s have you imagine doing laundry in the morning everyday like a real perfect housewife? Hahahaha i havent before so i feel real purrrfect, even just doing laundry.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Rocks after rocks

- bismillah -

Dulu, semasa masih belajar, saya rasakan yg exam, nk grad, nk lulus, adalah perkara yg besar dan utama dlm hidup. Lepas satu, satu exam datang dan pergi. Selain tu, juggle juga dengan aktiviti persatuan dan kelas2 ilmu tambahan. Juga usrah. Masa tu, nk seimbangkan diri dan urus masa utk join semua2 tu, adalah perkara besar dan utama dlm hidup.

Ada lah sekali sekala apabila friendship dan relationship menjadi cabaran besar. Tapi alhamdulillah, most of that time, people around me were all kind and seldom gave me headache.

Suatu hari, kak A cakap, dlm hidup ni cabaran dan ujian takkan berhenti, akan dtg lepas satu, satu silih berganti. Kata beliau lagi, bagaikan sekarang kita sedang angkat sebuah batu besar. Apabila sudah berjaya mengangkatnya, kita rasa bangga dgn susah payah kita yg lepas, rupanya di depan kita sekarang ada lagi batu yg menunggu utk diangkat, malah lebih besar!

Lepas satu, satu.

Begitulah ceritanya lepas dah grad...

Siapa sangka, saya ada dua orang kawan yg diuji ahli keluarga mereka dengan kanser. Kedua2 mereka tak tahu satu sama lain, kedua2 mereka melalui ujian menerima berita dan menjaga ahli keluarga yg sakit. Semua ini berlaku elok elok lepas grad, lps dah balik duduk di rumah for good. Elok2 lps 'habis' masalah exam dan fikir nak lulus ke tak.

Both of them sekarang sudah dapat 'berdiri' dengan baik, ahli keluarga sudah berjaya lalui beberapa siri rawatan utk pesakit kanser. Awal2 dulu, mereka juga 'terduduk' sebentar, kerana ujian ini amat berat bagi bahu yg memikul...

Well, tanpa diduga, my parents fell sick too...even though gradually. They are aging so fast that i missed being a spoilt child who woke up at noon. Now, i cant do like that anymore. All of their daily chores are transfered to me (and my siblings) since both of them have health concern.

I never thought that taking care of my parents will be the next rock (read: challenge) i have to face.

Anyway, i thanked Allah for every moment i spent with them. Soon, we would all return to Allah.

May everything is accepted as good deeds, and my Allah grant His Mercy to my parents. Amiin.


- bismillah -

Hari ni mak jumpa dr low utk appointment kedua selepas bedah kaki (thr). Hari ni dr cabut buang semua stapler.

Bawa mak masuk treatment room, sementara tunggu dr habis jumpa patient lain di klinik. Baringkan mak atas katil daripada duduk atas kerusi roda.

"Encik, mcm mana nak angkat katil ni?" Tanya saya pada seorang MA dlm bilik rawatan tu.

Lepas mak dah settle baring, saya keluar tunggu kat kerusi luar dgn ayah.

Lepas beberapa minit, sempat la habiskan air kotak longan (salah beli, ingatkan laici huhuhu), doktor pun keluar dari klinik dia menuju ke treatment room. I smiled at him, and terus dr panggil "come, come, follow me" ikut dr masuk bilik tu. Sambil tu dr tanya2 khabar mak, how's she doing? I said, oh..she's doing good!

Sambil dr tgk site of incision sambil dr cakap it's good bla bla (sbb dry, no discharge, no bleeding). Alhamdulillah. Cakap2 pasal mak dgn dr, dan mak pun tanya2 pasal kaki dia dekat dr. Dah habis, dr pun sambung kerja di klinik dia.

Sambil nk turunkan mak dari katil, nurse dan ma dlm bilik tu tanya2.

Encik MA: kerja dah ke? Kerja mana?

Terkejut gak bila dapat soalan mcm tu tiba2, sembang basa basi keluar la jugak pasal grad mana, kos apa, bla bla. Huhu. I never tell anyone in the room i am a med graduate, but somehow they managed to korek rahsia.

"Bukan apa, cara dia cakap dengan dr tadi lain. Tak macam sebelum2 ni. Sbb tu kami tanya."


I dont say that it is a kind of charm, but, what ever charm we possessed pun, kita tak perlu canang kan atau bagitau orang, sbb kalau ada apa2 charm, orang akan tahu juga...

And train dlm minda, we dont need special treatment. We are not vip even in our own way. Just be you, and people will know you eventually.


P/s (Sbb nya awal tu fefeeling bajet la jugak kan dah pi hosp private haha, lps tu bila receptionist tu tuttt aka bagi layanan tak best, mula la nk down. Ingat2 balik buku mark manson, okay, i dont need special treatment from anybody pun. If i'm worth for people to get to know me, they will know me. Hewhewhew.)

P/s 2. Do u know charmender? Hahaha

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


Nanti adik pergi sapa nak jaga mak macam ni?

Alaa anak2 mak kan ramai...semua orang pakat jaga
Mak jangan anggap ni adik yg jaga mak, ni Allah yg jaga mak...melalui adik
Adik takdak pun takpa la...Allah ada.

I once asked my mom, when i get old later who will take care of me?

My mom said, your children lah kan

I asked her, what if i dont have one? What if i dont get married?

She keep silent for a while, then she said to me: then you got to have the money...

Why? I wondered

Because you need plenty of money to hire the nurse/maid, she completed her answer to my question.

Sesungguhnya, dunia ini sifatnya sementara, segalanya akan berakhir, dan akhirat sebagai tempat kembali yang abadi adalah satu perkara yg benar.

So why bother? Semoga panjang umur murah rezeki dan hidup dlm manfaat dan rahmat Tuhan.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Role reversal

- bismillah -

SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. Allahu akbar.

My life took another turn this week.

During the last few weeks i was very excited to begin my days as a fulltime housekeeper at my parents home. I even downloaded few apps about house cleaning, ie FlyHelper, Cleaning Checklist, and both apps had been were very helpful to keep me on track with cleaning schedule.

However, last week was a different twist of my daily story. My parent had underwent a total hip replacement surgery on her left hip, so i spent 6 days in the hospital with her until she was discharged. During the stay, my home cleaning schedule was left unattended (hey i dont even sleep at home for a night during the whole week). Instead, my daily routine had changed!

From just a housekeeper, i'm now a nurse (too).

I've never expected to have been given the chance to take care of my parents before. They have been taking care of me since i was inside my mother's womb! Now, the role is reverse where the child is now subjected to take care of the parent, just like how they were treated when they were young. Feed them, bath them, entertain them...etc

This is called role-reversal.

To be honest, it is hard. At one point, it is frightening, thinking what if i made mistakes in taking care of them, what if my decision will hurt them with me unknowingly think i had done the best for them...and to break down once in a while, and alternately be extremely happy and contented since i have taken care of them the best possible way (i think). It is hard too when you see them are not really capable of doing things they used to like or find it easy/enjoying, but now no longer seems to be like that.

5 minutes in the toilet crying, or doing some morning rituals, or even writing reflective post like this at the end of the day, are enough to vent down the stress. Spend the rest of the day doing and serving your best to your beloved ones. That's how i keep myself going everyday.

And i believe to strengthen the faith in Allah and His help, is the ultimate key to keep being strong.

Because His rewards are more valuable and priceless than anything in the world,
Allah is sufficient for me.

May Allah keep me and my family under His blessings and guidances.


Sunday, October 22, 2017

Suri rumah me

- bismillah -


Tadi buat kerja umah. Cleaning. Baru sedar, tak pernah betul2 kemas rumah melainkan kalau nak raya. Raya = kemas rumah. Padahal, kemas rumah ni rutin dan keperluan.

Baru sedar jugak, tak pernah tolong mak kemas rumah pun sblum ni. Kemas pun bilik sendiri. Mungkin sbb mak dan ayah both sangat pengemas dan rajin (alhamdulillah), maka anaknya nih tak pernah buat kerja rumah. Debu pun tak pernah nampak, mcm mana nak kemas kan hahaha

Tapi, sekarang both my parents dah 5-series, ayah dah in his 60's. Diorang dah tak larat dah kemas rumah. Dulu balik kerja pun mak larat vacuum rumah. Weekend tak pernah keluar lepak mall ya, tapi kemas rumah ataupun bakar2 daun kering dekat laman rumah, tebang2 pokok, etc. They got so much works to do that i pernah tanya, mak ayah awat tak pernah take some time and just lazily sit in front of the tv for some movies? Hhhuhuhuhu.

And now, i just realised, banyakkkk sangat kerja nak buat dlm rumah nih. Never ending. Sapu, mop, vacuum x (kali) berapa ruang dlm rumah x frequency to maintain spic and span.

Sambil vacuum terfikir, kalau lah mcm ni punya banyak kerja nak buat, dalam dan luar rumah, manalah sempat nak fikir nak travel pi layan angin...huuuuuu.

I always want to go here and there most of the time, leaving my own world... So immature to flee while k have my commitment here.

Try cari cleaning schedule dekat pinterest. Huwaaaa. Banyak nya. Kalau tak buat, sapa lagi nak buat utk rumah kita?

We never had any maid.
And i respect my parents yg jaga rumah tanpa debu utk anak2 dan cucu2 (masa depa muda dan sihat dan kuat) - that i got allergy to almost anything haha sbb rumah bersih sangat - so why cant i do the same to them?

Kenalah jaga rumah utk mak ayah tinggal dgn selesa juga...

Boleh, farhana? :)

Monday, October 16, 2017

Serve the immediate community

- bismillah -

This morning, i went to a private hospital to accompany my mom. I met a passionate consultant who's seeing my mom for her treatment.

Somehow, he managed to find out that i am a medical graduate. We talked about my mom's case and he even taught me how to read the xray, reminded me of my doctors in the university. We discussed about the approach first and straight to the specific treatment afterwards.

Besides that, he also advised me about my current situation. He worried about the future of doctors working in the goverment since there are booms of medical graduates each year but insufficient places of practice. He even predicted that one day, in the future, the private hospitals would even have to accomodate housemen since the gov institutions are all fully occupied. In that case, if it is that to happen, the hos serving in private practice will have more advantages because they will be mentored directly by the consultants, not by just anyone...who are above the status of ho.

Only 50% of hos will become gov's mos in the future. Where would those another half have to go?

I have heard the same idea from a private GP previously. The concern that they both stressed out to me is that, dont depend solely on the gov. The medical graduates are increasing, teaching hospitals will run out of place of practice, the competitions will rise, shorter and inadequate exposures to the hos, and other complications of "being too many of junior doctors than the country can afford to train".

The private GP i met previously sent his son to study in the UK and later served in the Singapore. The consultant i met this morning questioned me why i dont go to the USA (take usmle). By working overseas, they said, that i can climb high and practice adequately. The gov's sector is not very promising.

I agreed with some of their points. I even felt a bit of regret for not studying for usmle while i was in medical school (like a bunch of my arab friends did, we malaysians just enjoy studying mbbs at our own pace huhu). And if i want to take the exams now, i dont think my saving can cover the cost. Next, after regretting why i dont study much, now i regret why i dont save much.

However, practically thinking, i think i have had it enough. I have studied full throttle as much as i can, the sufferings cant go beyond my control, and i had put aside some money from my loans enough to bring the money back to malaysia with 5 digits.

I do not regret anything.

Yes, going to uk or us or singapore seems very promising, one can climb the career ladder high, but i dont think that the path is for me. I am not ready to leave my immediate community behind (again) after living in the middle east for half a decade. There are too many things i have missed since i left malaysia. Especially my parents, their aging days, their disease development, their everyday life and everything. I just cant afford to handle all things in life alone in the other side of the continent anymore. It was very tiring to live and survive in a community who are not even close to us. Embracing all the (domestic, economic, social, spiritual, etc) challenges would be too much for me especially when i have to adapt to the stressing residency life later.

So, this is my path. Waiting for SPA, and go with the flow, just like the rest. I have to promise myself to strive and survive the path i have chosen. Everybody is the same, we are struggling for our own satisfaction. I think i will have to revise my values on life satisfaction.

It may be difficult, but my faith in His plan should be firm and I must trust Him. That what ever i do, what ever happens, is all in His control.

May He bless me with all the best things in the dunia and akhirat.

At night, coincidentally i watched an episode of a chinese drama:

"This is Dr He Jing, a post graduate doctor (resident). She worked in People's Hospital xxx (suburb). She has performed 1000 CS during her career. Has anyone (the directors who present) in this room is as experienced as her?" - Deputy Director Dr Qu Ming, from Obstetrician drama hehe.

He slammed all the arrogant directors who opposed He Jing's involvement in a special surgery since she was only a training resident who dont have a written qualifications and seniority.

Well, i learnt something from that point of view. If you are good enough, what more if you are exceptional, you can achieve your best performance just anywhere...

Hargailah pengalaman. Itulah anugerah dan kekayaan sebenar. Bukan pengiktirafan dan bukan gelaran.

Start humble, proceed high up staying humble.

Dicampak ke laut menjadi pulau, dicampak ke gunung menjadi lembah.

Berusaha utk memberi.

Sedaya upaya, tanpa melupakan Allah pemilik segala ketetapan dan keizinan.

Dapat posting di mana pun, semoga Allah izinkan yg terbaik. Permulaan dan pengakhiran yg diredhai.

Serve your immediate community.

Ada rezeki, serve beyond them.

Takkan ada kepuasan hati di dunia ini. Serve lah sampai syurga. Bukan berhenti bila dah dapat sesuatu, bukan berhenti bila masih tak dapat apa2.

Your satisfaction in your career, is only after you have achieved His blessings in Jannah.

Dont stop.
Dont lose the striving mode.

Strive! For His blessing.

Overnight changes

- bismillah - When i left malaysia for my study in jordan 6 years ago, i have nothing in my mind to worry for, except that it maybe the las...