My 5th year

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Sudah menjejak 5 ramadan hari ini.

Alhamdulillah, saya lulus semua pengajian tahun 5. Bakal memasuki ke tahun akhir selepas raya nanti. In shaa Allah. Doakan grad pada masanya.

Tahun 5 di my university, ada 11 rotations yg perlu dilalui sepanjang 9 bulan. Haha. Jadi, segalanya adalah tepat, padat dan ringkas. Dan segalanya adalah bawah kuasa dan izin Tuhan. :)

Orthopedic, 2 minggu, belajar pasal tulang dan adik beradiknya. Saya suka belajar, minat tajuk ni, berjaya skor utk first exam, tapi final kurang skor, sesuatu yang tak dijangka, tapi begitulah... Alhamdulillah Allah izin carry mark agak selesa utk digandingkan dengan final exam's mark yang goyah. Allah baik, bukan?

Radiology, 2 minggu, entah bagaimana percaturan saya, ada dua tiga empat lima slides terskip rupa-rupanya. Those slides ada same title, tapi content berbeza. I thought they were all the same that i wont read overlapping things. So i got the lowest carry mark despite i studied the hardest among other subject. Alhamdulillah, final exam yielded better result. Still, saya sedar saya baca slide tak cukup waktu preparing for final exam. Hehe. Takpalah, semoga ada pahala sebab belajar, walaupun tak dapat ganjaran berbentuk markah tinggi. Success is a journey, a process, not just destination, kan?

Forensic! Was the third rotation for my group. Saya belajar banyak perkara. 3 kes autopsi, kematian mengejut selepas bersalin (pendarahan dalaman rupa2nya), mayat seorang pengembala yang ditemui di ladangnya (heart attack), dan tembakan jarak dekat di kepala (close contact with satellite shape). Semoga Allah mengampuni jenazah2, dan moga mendapat ganjaran kebaikan sebab menjadi medium kami belajar. Selain itu, saya belajar juga proses pereputan mayat. Sungguh, Allah sangat2 berkuasa! Dan azab kubur itu benar, mati itu pasti.

كُلُّ  نَفْسٍ  ذَآءِقَةٌ  المَوْت
Setiap yang bernyawa pasti akan merasai mati.
SodaqaAllahulazhim. Maka telah benarlah segala kata2 Allah yang maha agung.

Anaesthesia, rotation ke-4. Round ni saya minat. Masuk ke dewan bedah, belajar CPR, selfie dengan scrub biru. Keh keh. Tengok juga kes nak sedarkan diri selepas bius, semua tu kuasa Tuhan, ada yg cepat, ada yang tak sedar2 sampai doktor kejut ganaz2 sket. Well, apa2 pun, dia harus sedar! Cemas jugaklah. Belajar lagi pasal fluid, jenis darah, jenis ubat bius. Kita ada iv, kita ada gas. Ada yang sesuai untuk mula2, ada utk maintenance sepanjang pembedahan. Paling best tgk tindak balas tubuh pada atropine. Betapa berkuasanya Tuhan mencipta fitrah, apabila acetacholine bertindak di receptor maka sekian sekian terjadi. Doktor2 bius di hospital sini, sangat santun dan kuat bergantung pada Tuhan. Disuruh pesakit byk ingat Tuhan, zikir, tawakal sebelum dibius. Aku dibius cinta~ erk.

(Unfinished and never finished writing. The draft is published today in 2023 - already passed medical school and currently pursuing post graduate study in shaa Allah. Alhamdulillah.)

Among things that make me happy

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Currently i am in my 4th posting of housemanship. So far, i've completed 1 year of service (read: setahun jagung). And alhamdulillah previous 3 postings had been great and well. I pray for everything to come to be great too. Amiin.

When entring new posting, our previous routines in working life resets to the lowest level again. There are new vocabs to be familiarised, new skills to learn and new environment to adapt with. Which during this entry phase (we call it tagging period), some of us might find themselves at the lowest point in their life. Down to the point they want to quit.

One day when i was in my 1st posting, which was last year, i had this kind of thought of why did i choose this job in the first place... I questioned why dont i choose to work in a less messy environment, well-seated in an air-conditioned office, and there were times that i even start to compare my job with those working at the admission counter 😂 that was because i have to do dressing and insert and off cbd by myself. Pheww.

That was silly.

If u ever did so (of having the thought and start comparing between jobs) , please get rid of those thoughts now.

I was able to accept the reality when i start to love what i do, and do what i love. I use the mindset of: i choose to do this, rather than i have to or was ordered to do this. When dr plan to insert cbd, i seek the reason why: oh, it's to help the patient with bph/for input/output charting etc, and i choose to do it for my patient. U know, when a pakcik with urinary retention who was previously in pain due to his full bladder wanting to explode, the moment u insert cbd then he was relief out of pain... That gives you an avhievement. U just help him 'cure' the pain.

And so does other things/plan. Take blood this patient, measure his bp manually, and all other uncommon order of procedures (or procedures that i think shouldnt be me doing) become easy to carry out day by day. "Ok dr, i will (choose to) do it." With that mindset, 50% of burden unloaded.

When i cant find the reason for the order, i just take it as 'to help my MO'. And of course, to help myself for the future.

So, back to the topic. I am in orthopedic posting. My 3rd day of tagging i dah kena target dengan specialist. Lots of questions asked, but i cant answer. I also unable to familiarised with all the fractures and wounds of my patients. I just dont really know my patients. Consequently, lots of homeworks given. Until my 6th day, the specialist asked me why, who gives u such homeworks that u have to present everyday? And i can only laugh (sopan-ly) saying that it was him all along. Adududu.

And since then, i started to learn thoroughly my patah2 patients. I dont merely do 'counter reviews'. I started to localised where is the wound, where is the fracture, where is the pain etc...

And here comes a patient who i clerked since ED review. He was an elderly in his 80's, came in with femur fracture. Fast forward, he was sheduled for op and everything. However, he comes from an old folks home. So he got no money / close relatives. Only us currently are the nearest to him.

So sometimes i can see my kakak nurse is feeding him. And some other times, the food was left untouched because nobody care to feed him. Up to one point that the pakcik complaint to me of having heartburn. U know, that feeling when u skip meals/not eaten for long time. So sad...

So, they done operation for him. Post op day 2, my sp requested for the patient to ambulate with wheelchair and for ted stockings. Phew.

(Originally written 10/3/2019. Unfinished. I think he did survive, cant barely remember after reading the draft again in 2023. May Allah bless the patient.)

permulaan perjalanan baru

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah.

Allah izin selamat memulakan sebuah perjalanan baru setelah 5 tahun 5 bulan bekerja, iaitu memasuki alam post graduate study. Alhamdulillah masuk minggu kedua.

Semoga Allah izin berjaya grad dengan redha-Nya amiin.

Saya masih diuji dengan ujian kesyukuran, iaitu masih berstatus kontrak. Kadang terdetik rasa kurang selesa, apabila 'adik houseman' yg jumpa saya masa 5th poster dan diorang masuk 1st posting, sudah ditawarkan jawatan tetap. Satu posting 4 bulan, maka gap mencecah tahun2. Ada juga junior yang tak pernah jumpa (gap lebih jauh), juga sudah ditawarkan tetap. Apabila mendapat tawaran tetap lebih awal, maka gaji mereka akan naik lebih awal dari saya kelak. Dan perbezaan itu agak banyak. 

Sehingga Allah susunkan episode saya bertemu dengan seniors saya, yang rupa2nya lebih dalam rasa kecewa mereka. Mereka lebih senior, sangat senior, lebih dedikasi sejak awal dulu hingga sekarang, juga masih belum ditawarkan tetap. Lebih parah, juniors yang hilang2 semasa kerja, culas2, telah selamat mendapat jawatan tetap. Ada yang sudah tawar hati, maka ramai senior2 kompeten yang mengajar kami dahulu ketika ho, sudah pun bekerja di swasta. Ibarat dicampak ke laut menjadi pulau, jika cemerlang tetaplah cemerlang, mereka sudah pun publish paper dan present poster ketika bekerja di swasta. Yg culas2 tadi, masih selesa di zon selesa. Itulah rencana yang Allah atur, tiada siapa yang mampu mengubah nasib melainkan diri sendiri.

Saya pula? Ada ikatan biasiswa semasa belajar, jadi tidak boleh keluar. Tunggu saja. Cuba meminta dilepaskan bond, eh tidak dibenarkan pula.

Tapi rezeki saya bukan ditangan mereka. Mungkin naik pangkat gred48 bukan dalam catatan hidup saya, tapi saya tahu Allah merencanakan lebih baik. Semoga Allah izin.

Jadi, sejak dikecewakan ketika temuduga pertama, saya sudah mengorak langkah. Menunggu jawatan tetap bukan lagi satu harapan. 

Saya ambil medex.

Alhamdulillah Allah izin keputusan yang membuatkan saya bersyukur.

Saya masukkan dalam dokumen temuduga ketika kali kedua.

Ah, panel temuduga tidak memilih saya juga. Sudah saya tahu keputusan mereka sejak hari temuduga. Saya makan besar satu set chicken rice shop sejurus saja tamat temuduga kerana meraikan jangkaan saya: penemu duga yang tidak ada kriteria yang mereka nak pada diri saya. Biarkan mereka dengan penilaian mereka. Yang penting, saya hadir ke sesi temu duga kedua itu dengan persediaan yang lebih baik daripada kali pertama. Jika tak dapat juga, bukan dalam kawalan saya.

Sepanjang persediaan medex sebelum itu, saya mendapat keyakinan utk mengisi tawaran hlp. Kali ini, saya tahu, bukan impression tetapi performance yang akan dinilai. Despite ada kata2 negatif dan ragu2 dari kalangan senior: "kami dah apply bertahun pun tak dapat", "apply kali pertama hanya untuk parking nama" etc.

Saya hanya mendengar, tapi tidak mematuhi persepsi itu. saya yakin, panel hlp (bahagian latihan) pastinya tidak sama dengan panel bahagian sumber manusia.

Alhamdulillah, Allah izin. Lebih berharga dan lebih bermakna daripada sesi temuduga ke perjawatan tetap yang tidak mengambil kira markah lnpt/past performance langsung. At least, saya tak rasa terlalu teruk kerana temuduga dua kali masih tak dapat2.

Anyway, saya tak judge orang yang dapat tawaran tetap, kerana sy hanya ukur diri saya, yg saya bandingkan ialah diri saya yang kali pertama hadir temuduga dan yg kedua. Sy bersyukur dan berpuas hati dengan persediaan dan performance saya. Jika anda terpilih, jgn ragu, tapi jika ada kekurangan maka perbaikilah supaya kerja dalam gomen ni juga masih perform bukan sekadar makan gaji.

Berbalik kepada situasi sekarang, saya berterima kasih kepada panel penemu duga kali pertama yang bertanyakan kepada saya: "jika awak tak dapat tetap, apa awak nak buat lepas ini?"

Teringin saya ceritakan kepadanya, apa yang saya cakapkan ketika itu, telah saya tunaikan dan Allah izin berlaku dengan baik. Alhamdulillah. Jika niatnya bertanya itu baik, dia menjadi sumber motivasi langkah ini, maka ada saham kepadanya juga. Jika sekadar provokasi, maaf saya tidak merayu atau meminta simpati.

Dan kepada panel penemu duga kali kedua, yang masih saya ingat kata2nya: jadi kontrak pun bagus apa, kenapa nak kerja tetap? 

Membuatkan saya geram dan kecewa. Adakah kami seakan terhegeh2? Tidak. Saya stay sebab bond untuk keluar tidak lepas. Kawan2 saya stay sebab lokasi tempat kerja serasi. Lain dari sebab itu, semua sudah chow #exitkementerian kerana tiada faktor penarik.

Sebut pasal faktor tempat,

Saya hanya mampu bersimpati kepada yang menangis2 kena pindah, kerana teringatkan kata2 panel penemu duga itu. Andai lah kata2 itu ditujukan kepada mereka..namun Allah pilih saya utk ditujukan kata2 menghiris itu. Dan setahu saya, ramai yang menolak tawaran tetap kerana satu2nya faktor kami stay gomen ialah tempat, jika diubah faktor itu maka tiada sebab lain lagi kenapa harus duduk dlm organisasi ini.

Actually, terasa lose-lose situation jika dapat atau tidak dapat tetap. Entah siapa yang win. mungkin netizen yang banyak aduan dan sispa yang akan win. Patient care pun lose dengan situasi #exitkementerian ini.

Untuk sekarang, mendapat jawatan tetap bukan lagi fokus saya.

Semoga Allah berikan motivasi dan disiplin untuk fokus kepada penambahbaikan diri. Saya teringat kata2 dr imelda, yang perlu kita compare ialah diri kita yang semalam supaya hari ni sentiasa lebih baik.

Above all, REZEKI KITA ALLAH YANG BERI. 

Usaha, doa, tawakkal.

Semoga Allah berkati

Semoga Allah permudah

Doakan Allah izin saya grad cemerlang pada masa yang ditetapkan! Amiin

Semoga direzekikan kehidupan dan kematian yang Allah reda.

Ps alhamdulillah kembali menjadi tolibatul ilm dan ibn sabil 😆😬🤲 masih belum dan tak rasa nak kawen haha

penjual minyak wangi

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah.

Allah Maha Pemurah.

Allah Maha Pemberi.

Allah memberikan kepada siapa Dia kehendaki.

Doaku, moga Allah golongkan kita dalam kalangan orang- orang yang soleh.

Rindu dengan komuniti yang sentiasa mencari redha Allah, yang selalu mengajak dan mengingatkan.

Terima kasih Allah atas pinjaman tempoh masa youth di irbid untukku.

So proud to have them around, menumpang kejayaan dan kesungguhan mereka dalam menjalani hidup, menuju Allah.

Semoga Allah pelihara kita semua.

Semoga direzekikan ukhwah hingga syurga.

Zumaraa'

Catatan Ramadan 1444H

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah.

Diberikan kesempatan menikmati ramadan, pada usia tidak muda dan tidak tua, pada masa yang tidak terlalu lapang dan tidak terlalu sibuk, segala puji hanya bagi Allah.

Masih diberi peluang dan ruang tinggal dan berpuasa bersama2 ibu ayah.

Dan jika kamu menghitung, pasti takkan mampu terhitung nikmat2 Allah.

Dan ketahuilah, anak2 dan harta dunia adalah ujian dan perhiasan utk kita semua...

Tiada yg lebih tiada yang kurang, melainkan ketaqwaan.

Yang kekal adalah amal soleh, 

moga Allah terima amal kita semua. Amiin.

Masih single dan bersyukur. Alhamdulillah.

before 30

Bismillah

Hehe. Tulisan ini ditulis oleh chatgpt 😂

Preparing For 30s Tips

Lol Lil

How should i prepare myself before entering 30 years old next week?

Preparing for your 30s can involve various aspects of your life, including personal, professional, financial, and health. Here are some tips to consider:

Reflect on your personal goals and values, and make a plan to align your actions with them.

Consider building a solid financial foundation by creating a budget, reducing debt, and starting to save for the future, including retirement.

Invest in your health by maintaining a balanced diet, exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, and seeking medical attention if needed.

Focus on developing new skills and expanding your knowledge in areas that interest you, which can help with both personal and professional growth.

Maintain and strengthen relationships with family and friends, and consider forming new connections.

Take care of your mental health by practicing self-care, seeking support from friends and family, and seeking professional help if needed.

Remember, every person's journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. The important thing is to find what works for you and to make intentional, deliberate choices to improve your life.

january rant

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah, January has been nice to me. 

Changed my portfolio at work, that is from being in charge at maternal child health clinic to regular outpatient department clinic. I have to hold TB, HIV portfolio, pain clinic as well as hypertension audit. 

So far, i have 'recruited' 2 newly diagnosed PTB patients 😂 i saw them prior sputum afb, but somehow after the results were out they were 'destined' to meet other doctors... hehe hence i have no direct experience yet to initiate tab akurit-4 to ptb patient despite being mo tb hewhew.

I am grateful that my colleagues have been nice and supportive, hardworking, doing our best in seeing patients... basically we were all new to each other hence no deep attachment or heart feeling if we had ever done something unexpected. I dont know if it was only me or everyone feeling the same, we only met at work and most of the time we were talking only about work. I feel good about it, but yeah, things are just great like this. 

Usually we will get a new planner by KKM, but until now (final week of January 2023) we still haven't get it yet. It's quite disappointing though. I really appreciate the planner given by kkm since previous years, that no empty page left as the year ended 😂

Anyway, bought my own..but still waiting for the courier to deliver it.

I think i have undiagnosed ADHD, but somehow i started to see everyone around me struggling the same/ similar symptoms but living fine undiagnosed. Well, so far i give myself time and kind of watchful waiting, if things are getting worse or disturbing then i will seek professional medical attention to confirm my self-doubt. 

So far i need to write everything in places i can see.

Avoid multitasking without written to-do list.

Reply messages now or never.

Listen more in conversation.

Drive slower and farther from the front vehicles.

But today i blurted my thoughts to a patient. "Do you smoke? I can smell a very strong odour from you," i told a patient. Rupa2nya the cleaning staff tengah bakar sampah dekat tepi klinik 😭 i minta maaf dgn the patient and lucky enough he is very supportive and just laugh with my sudden reaction. #impulsiveme

Today i managed to complete a mortality report (after 1 week of procrastination), that is only i have listed step by step of what and how to do things. Thanks to my colleagues who are very helpful (both mo and ma are kind alhamdulillah).

I also managed to run errands for my ngo i'm participating. Things are so smooth if we took care of our niat on why we're doing things. Alhamdulillah. Went to 3 shops before i get to have my task done (potostat ja pun), the 3rd shop baru berjaya.

Lepas kuar dari kedai, i sat long in the car before driving back home. Cabut pin betulkan my shawl yg dah ke belakang nampak dahi jendul, wear my lipbalm and sprayed perfume. Then i drive happily back home sambil makan kinder bueno.

These small things help me to be insane and mindful, less stress and be happy with today's achievement, because, my adhd brain dont easily feel happy unless i do something to feel happy. The brain just didnt give enough happiness signal eventho i did things amazingly at work today. 

Oh yeah i forgot to mention that i refered a maternal case to ED at 450pm. Haha. That is an achievement u know, to punch out 5pm without dragging time haha.

Today also jadi mo standby waktu lunch hour, so by 2-3 pm keluar pergi zus coffee, pkul 3pm masuk kerja semula. Good day alhamdulillah.

Esok jumaat, semoga lebih murah rezeki. Amiin.

Ps. Nampak tak ideas are unorganized in this post hahahaha #rant

2022 recap

Alhamdulillah

The year 2022 has been a rollercoaster of emotions in my career, specifically.

At the beginning of the year, i was assigned as the MO in charge for the maternal child clinic department in my KK. I see antenatal cases every morning, with postnatal follow ups, well child examinations as well as covering growth monitoring for children until 6y/o. Besides getting along with nurses and staffs from mch clinic, i also worked with my fellow staff nurses from 4 other klinik desa (community clinics).

In mch, i have to master the scan, contraceptives counseling and insertion, as well as tackling infants and childrens developmental assessment.

I joined a 3-month-duration attachment program with specialists from O&G department in the state hospital to master basic gyne and antenatal ultrasound skill.

I went to various courses and meetings related to mch issues, such as 20-hour lactation course, perinatal and under 5 mortality meetings, being baby-friendly clinic auditor, being chief investigator for aefi incident in another clinic, delivered cmes to fellow mos and nurses, doing monthly reten, etc. I also managed to join volunteer program under papisma on weekends. Alhamdulillah. The last course that i attended was implanon removal course hehehe.

My personal achievements - what i mean by personal is only i celebrate it haha - were 1) getting anemia rate lowest among other clinics during jan-sept meeting hehe, 2) successfully removed an implanon of a patient for the first time hahaha (dec 2022), 3) took medex and ace it alhamdulillah (nov-dec 2022), 4) drive by myself to airport and left my car there for 'a business trip' flight - which i never thought i would do such before, well, i used to have my parents sending and fetching me everywhere i go previously during school/studying days.

There was a sad moment though, which when i was not offered for permanent post in my career. I was sad because i had compared with my fellow friends. There would be discrepancy in salary, time of service, etc. I think i was at least equal to them, if not any lower. But then i realised this is a matter of rezeki. There were lots more persons with better quality, skills and achievements but also didnt get the offer. Well, we just dont find faults in ourselves, will ya?

It was after that sorrow period that i braced myself and challenged to take medex exam. I have my worth, and being offered permanent or contract is not going to downgrade my 'worth'.

I have to keep going. I have to find ways to further study. Taking medex is one small step for the beginning.

Anyway, i had a blast on my last days of working. I remembered there was one afternoon, when i finished seeing a patient but still documenting the findings, a child came walking alone into the room and wandered around. I greeted him but there was no reply heard. He looked at me, and then i remembered that he was one of my patients with adhd and speech delay. The child took a sit near me, watching me writing, he was listening to my questions but he was silent. Later, he waves his hands to me and went outside the room. I was stunned. 'oh, he was trying to talk with me! he was saying goodbye just now' and i can feel my eyes became teary. He remembered me, myb during the first time i met him. Hopefully all the efforts done to make him converse are fruitful.

Besides that, i jaga fever clinic on the last friday of 2022. Surprisingly, there was only 1 patient came in the afternoon session after friday prayer hahaha. So i spent the rest of my time with sudoku and freecell hahahaha.

When i was walking with other staffs, there were times when miscommunication and errors happened. There was one session when i had to call them face to face explaining where and whose the fault was, later offering solutions (and punishment hehe). Types of punishment would be the head nurse should deliver cme in their respective klinik desa if they had ever messed with any case management.

I hope i had resolved interpersonal issues with them, i lanjer starbucks (bancuh sendiri hahaha) as token of appreciations and token minta maaf berleter banyak dkt diorang 😂 (pray may Allah accept the deed amiin)

Most difficult patient would be one lady from anti-everything side. Lets not talk more about that. 

Most beloved moment was on my last day working when suddenly a kakak nurse came to me and handed me a gift from her recent umrah trip. Alhamdulillah. I feel appreciated hehe

Anyway, that's all (part of) recaps, written in hurry few minutes prior 12 midnight 31/12/22, but somehow i terlajak jugak. So nanti post ni jadi 1st post for 2023 lol.

There were no cheezy drama relationship thingy moment in my 2022, i am just simply grateful for everything and everyone around me.

Apart from career, in 2022 my car had its first kemek at back door after being hit by another car while i was changing the lane (or myb i hit that another car lol), alhamdulillah it was a smooth process and solved. Since then i invested in 70mai dashcam set (so my 1st 70mai is in 2022, after 4 years loyalty to yicam front-dashcam only)

Travel-wise, alhamdulillah done recap in my ig.

Anyway, this is it. Alhamdulillah for everything. I thank Allah for everything. 

لا حول ولا قوّة الّا بالله

There is no will and strength except for what Allah has decreed upon us

May Allah bless every moment with barakah,

Semoga 2022 diberkati,

Semoga 2023 dipermudahkan segala urusan kebaikan.

Alhamdulillah utk 2022,

Bismillah utk 2023.

Dengan nama Allah yg dengannya tiada mudarat pada segala sesuatu di langit dan di bumi 🤍✨