Reflection: candle light dinner

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah, hari ni (Jumaat) hujan.

Petang tadi takda letrik kejap sampai waktu maghrib. Maka kami sekeluarga pun makan malam diterangi cahaya lampu. Candlelight dinner. Haha.

Nasi dah dimasak oleh mak atas dapur gas, tinggal nak panaskan lauk yg beli tengah hari tapi masih dalam plastik. Bila tak boleh guna microwave, susah nya lahai nak reheat. Satu-satu lauk dibuka dari dalam plastik masuk ke periuk utk dipanaskan. Bila dah siap panas, tuang masuk ke dalam mangkuk hidang. Sejukkan periuk, basuh mesti bersabun pula, kan kuah berminyak. Ulang proses ini sebanyak 3-4 jenis lauk huhuhu.

Jika ada letrik, tuang lauk masuk dlm mangkuk, masuk dlm microwave, siap dihidang!

Itulah kemudahan yang tak pernah disyukuri sebelum ni...huhu. bila tak ada letrik baru nak sedar.

Ada lauk kerabu satu bungkus, jadi selamat...tak perlu panaskan.

Sewaktu lauk ketiga tgh dipanaskan atas dapur, tiba2 api padam...

Lup.

Gas habis!

Omg.

Letrik tak ada, gas tak ada, dari mana nak dapatkan sumber haba?

Luckily, itu lauk terakhir yg perlu dipanaskan...

Siap hidang semua, makanlah kami sekeluarga + keluarga abang hidangan makan malam yang panas dlm cahaya lilin. Alhamdulillah. Seadanya. Secukupnya.

Abang kata, lama tak makan macam ni...

Dulu2 masa sebelum kakak dan abang ada keluarga sendiri, kami berlima anak beranak tinggal serumah kerap juga tak ada letrik. Maka semua orang akan kumpul setempat, pasang lilin dekat ruang tamu selalunya, dan akan buat aktiviti masing2 di atas sofa masing2. Seorang di hujung sana mengipas2 dengan surat khabar (kakak), yg di sini pasang radio perlis utk dengar apa2 berita semasa (abang), ada yang bising2 gatal berpeluh ataupun buat2 tidur (adik), cakap telefon tanya rumah2 yang lain (mak), bawa torchlight ronda dalam rumah pergi tutup kotak suis utama dan kadang luar rumah utk tengok lampu jalan sama ada menyala atau tak (ayah)...dan itulah rutin dulu2 berlima...sekarang pun lebih kurang role masing2
..cuma tambah kemeriahan cucu2 main dlm gelap...

Ayah pula kata lepas makan malam tadi, zaman dulu2 pakai lampu pelita minyak gas saja, tak ada letrik. Tapi dunia tak rasa sempit pun.

Kecukupan tu ada. Sense of adequacy. Feeling contented.

Jadi, sekali sekala, kena selami hidup yang 'serba kekurangan'. Nampak saja mcm ada yang kurang, tapi jika boleh latih diri utk bersyukur dan rasa cukup, maka keadaan 'serba kekurangan' itu adalah ruang yang memberi 'kekayaan jiwa'.

So, when is the 'poor' moment that gives you the rich feeling? :)

Less is more, indeed.

P.s. tapi lepas makan tadi tak ada minum kopi lah sebab nak jimat air panas dlm flask. Kehkeh.

Nothing

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Still breathing and alive.

I'm sorry about my previous post, it was full of frustration with the underlying health problem.

Currently i still have no idea what should i be doing now. Sounds very unproductive of me right?

Yeah. It has been about 4 months since i made any achievement.

How frustrating is that?

Anyway, alhamdulillah. I started to count my blessing, especially the one i think it may be simple or small.

Breathing, shelter, food, family, health ...

Those small mundane blessings are indeed significant.
To my faith, to my motivation.
Allah has said that, if we are grateful He will surely add some more.

Well, dont take things for granted.

And let us train our mind, that
We express our thanks and gratefulness to Allah, is part of our duty, our ibadah, not merely wanting to add some more (eventho we cant deny the wants).

We are all His servants, remember? Of course it is fine to seek Him whenever we need and feeling inadequate. Seek only Him.

May Allah grant me and you the sustenance and the sufficient feeling.

P.s. i feel all alone currently even in the presence of my loved ones.

Random dreams

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Allah izin masuk ke tahun baru hijrah.

To cut short, here is my list of dreams yang worth dreaming...nak capai ke tak tu, rezeki.

1) mongolia / central asia -stan2 punya negara
2) makan samyang

Hehe. Sebagaimana nak pergi mongolia / central asia trip tu mahal?...macam tak mampu je?...mcm kena usaha lebih je?...mcm xdak sapa nak teman ja?

Begitulah juga samyang.

Teringin. Orang viral sana sini. Kawan siap buat stok, buat bisnes masa kat jordan, tapi aku tak pernah try.

Macam nk pergi mongolia, padang rumput, camping bawah langit, duduk dlm tent, naik pony?, atau turkmenistan, kazahkstan, uzbekistan (told u all -stan2 countries) byk architecture yg luar alam, kesan2 sejarah silk route, etc,

Rasa teringin...

Mcm tu lah jugak rasa nk makan samyang.

Tapi, tahu x, sejak balik malaysia...my gerd datang balik lately. Bloating, heartburn, pakej diarhea vomiting demam myalgia athralgia bagai....sebab tak jaga makan. Sebab makan sukahati.

Nasi lemak (sambal) setiap pagi.
Goreng2.
Gulai. Kari.

Dan milo.

Kat jordan tak ada milo. (Ada galaxy, mars, snickers, cadburry choc drink ahaha)

Semua makanan tu bila masuk perut, dia berperang.

And tambah factor tido suka hati tanpa bantal tinggi masa kat umah.

Samyang is just a dream. That is too good to be true. Kalau dapat pun, it hurts me.

To all GERD or GORD sufferers - cum survivors - out there, plus lactose intolerance if any, i need your motivation to live with strong gut.

Bahang september 2011

- bismillah -

Baru baca bab 1 buku puan Roza Roslan, travelog kehidupan abadi. Bab 1 beliau cerita pasal kali pertama jejak ke luar negara. Entri beliau tajuknya mulut berasap.

Amazing. Beliau ceritakan yg beliau pernah doa nak sampai ke luar negara, even to the extent that kalau beliau sendiri xleh, moga2 boleh pergi dengan jodoh. Woah. What an amazing determination she had!

And Allah kabulkan doa beliau :)

When she captured her first memory upon landing in scotland, it seemed fresh and wonderful. Making me to think, why shouldnt i write mine too? As a form of fresh and wonderful memory...

Masa pertama kali ke luar negara, naik flight MAS, chartered, sewa khas untuk hantar pelajar tajaan JPA ke Amman dan Cairo. The flight was filled with smartly dressed us in suits, with blazer and white shirt and scarf. Pheww. Semua orang waktu itu mungkin mata berkaca2, bawa sinar dan semangat nak hidup di tempat baru - luar negara, yang dah jadi impian sejak sekolah - dan ada juga yang bersinar mata berkaca sebab sedih tinggalkan kampung halaman. Haha.

Waktu tu, saya sikit pun tak menangis. Semasa lambai keluarga di KLIA pun saya tak sedih. Yang saya tahu, i am going to jordan! I'm going to oversea! Dah nak flyyyyyy

While my mom dah berair air mata, sedu sedan. Kakak pegang satu beg plastik yang ada lebihan baju, sebab beg kargo untuk chartered flight ni tak boleh lebih 25kg. Yeah, memang tak cukup lah untuk sara hidup bertahun2 urmmm. Bayar utk 5 extra kilo for 3kg, selebihnya buka beg dekat airport dan buang (bawa balik umah ler).

Tapi walau ada masalah macam tu pun, saya masih tak sedih! Hehe.

Cumanya, bila dah turun ekskalator untuk ke kaunter imigresen, saya dongakkan kepala mencari mereka. Nampak mak yg tgh sedih, nampak ayah yang cool, kakak yang tgh amik gambar, abang yang sengih melambai....sambil menurun tangga tu, masa tu rasa sayu. No, i cant show them my sadness or worry, saya kata dalam hati. Bila dah cop imigresen, terus ke polis/kastam pula untuk cek barang.

Rupa2nya, itulah kali pertama dan terakhir cop...(sebab lepas tu pergi balik pakai autogate haha). Tahun 2011.

Bila dah masuk flight, saya dapat seat tepi tingkap, seat berdua. Tapi memandangkan masa tu semua stok alim baru lepas sekolah menengah, saya pun tukarlah tempat untuk duduk sebelah perempuan. Urmmmm. Duduk di tengah. Seat berempat. Sebelah kanan perempuan, rupanya sebelah kiri lelaki jugak. -_-

Duduklah dengan tak bergerak banyak sangat selama 10 jam (xingat). Teruja dengan meal course yang banyak atas flight, peramugari yang baik layan adik2, everything is fine. Alhamdulillah.

Bila dah dekat nak sampai, langit dah tak biru sangat. Awan putih pun tak nampak. Tapi macam kelabu, kuning2, mcm dalam udara berpasir.

Tengok bawah rupanya padang pasir! Boleh nampak sebab meninjau dari kejauhan walaupun duduk seat tengah.

Dah dekat nak landing, rasa macam takut, berdebar. Tiba2 ada kawan tepi tingkap cakap, "eh, tu unta tengah berlari!" "Weh aku nampak kaktus!" Hahahaha. Mula2 macam nak percaya. Tapi bila fikir balik, mana nak nampak sebab tinggi lagiiiii hahaha. Semua orang gelak. Hilang takut nak landing.

Dan kami pun selamat landing. Turun flight dengan tangga masuk ke dalam bas yany sedang tunggu untuk bawa ke terminal. Serius, airport QAIA masa tu macam cerita james bond pergi padang pasir.

Dalam bas tu, semua orang muka happy. Ada yang tangkap gambar, ada yang ambil video. Ada sorang kawan siap buat seolah dokumentari. Jokes mereka sedikit sebanyak menghilangkan rasa debar dalam dada.

So, airport tu bangunan coklat, tak ada cat, ada lubang2 ventilation. Macam istana lama binaan konsep mediavel. Semua orang pergi solat dulu. Surau dia masa tu, urmmmm. Tak ada pintu, hanya sebuah bilik berkarpet yang mashem dan dilapisi tirai putih yang tak bersih. Toilet? Pakai kendi aladin untuk tadah air paip. Getah paip? Apa tu? Boleh makan?

Baunya usah ditanya.

Masa tu, reflect kejap. Macam ni ker jordan? Airport buruk yang amat.

Rupanya, itulah kali pertama dan terakhir....
(lepas tu kerajaan jordan buat airport baru! Siap jadi airport terbaik di middle east sebelum airport qatar amik alih haha. Design QAIA sama macam KLIA. haha)

So tak ada dah la airport zaman koboi untuk sambut adik2 yang baru datang lepas batch kami.

Keluar dari airport, naik bas, dari airport ke Irbid ambik masa yang panjang. 3 jam. Cuaca panas. Bahang. Hangat. It's summer in Jordan at that time. Temp mungkin above 30 degrees. Kakak2 dan abang2 senior cakap taklimat sikit, beri air dan makanan, lalu kami semua pun tidur kepenatan...

Flee

- bismillah -

Reading and writing have been forms of escapism for me.

I read and spend my whole afternoon reading in the school library every school days because i can only go home after my parents call it an end to their day at work.

I write a lot of blogposts when i have coming exams around the corner.

My journal is most useful and tediously filled when i have the most hectic week or month.

I splurge on books when i worried i may not do something useful while waiting for job placement.

And whenever something i dont like happenned, i spend the rest of my day locked in my room, reading any books i found on the table, or finished my current reading.. and the longer the resentment the more i can just finish the book i read in just a session.

I even wrote this post as my escapism over what happened outside my room.

Ignoring the hunger and thirst, reading and writing make me full and come to my sense again. I cant control what is happening around me, but i can choose my action and take responsibilty upon it.

I choose to escape, i gained peace of mind and pretending to not have some harsh realities or adversities in life, and i will have to bear the consequence of unsolved problems that may arise...

Dandelion 3

Sebagaimana ku mengharapkan dosa2 ku terhapus, pergi tanpa kembali.

Sebagaimana ku mengharapkan apa yang ku telah rugi hari ini akan menumbuhkan untung pada hari esok.

Sebagaimana debunga dandelion diterbangkan angin.

i forgive me 2

- bismillah -

New update from the previous post.

[07/09 21:10] ‪
+60 1x-711xxxx‬: Ok sure

[07/09 21:10]
‪+60 1x-711xxxx‬: It's ok

I swear that this is the best reply i've ever get.

Alhamdulillah.

Farhana, the next time somebody else does ask for you forgiveness or did a careless mistake to you,

Please consider how you reply them. Pls consider to be okay with people admitting their mistake.

Because you have received the chance once, and you should always return the favor, even if it is to somebody else.

Haaaa. Now i can sleep well.
😌😌😌

i forgive me

- bismillah -

I made a mistake. Or maybe more than one.

I didnt feel good about it. I kept quiet the whole evening. I let the time passed just by playing a drawing game on the phone.

I flee from the problem.

I bought 9 new books at 50% discounts online.

But it still didnt make me feel good. The game couldnt make me feel good. The books arent here yet. Simply denying, and, running away from the consequences of making mistake, are mistakes too.

I just make another wrong steps above the damage done.

...

Until i took some time to reflect.

I have to face it. I have to admit my mistake, and deal with the aftermatch.

I took my phone, and assertively send message to the person involved. I told her about it.

And i feel good now.

Even without receiving any reply nor bluetick yet.

I have released it, the regret and frustration. I allowed my self to make mistake and admit it. And i hope, sending her the message is one of the big step of the value of responsibility.

I hope, i can be more responsible next time.

This is a lesson about time management, determination, assertiveness, and giving myself chance to make mistake, that i learnt the unexpected way, with money, chance and trust.

It is okay.

But i must improve.

And more self reflects.

The mistake is not okay, but nobody is okay all the time, no?

Since it's not okay, that a mistake is always a mistake, i have to forgive myself. Forgive, not denying it.

Have you make a serious mistake before and ran away from it?
Well, has it been solved now? Huhu.
Solve it today, it gives you long term happiness and freedom, not just like what you feel after winning a mobile game.

"Happiness is a problem." - Mark Manson

3 months after graduation

- bismillah -

It's been september 4th today. Roughly saying, 3 months had passed since i finished med school.

What have i been doing in the past 3 months up till now? Basically i am doing nothing. Haha. By "doing nothing" it means i am currently:
1) a gardener
2) a housekeeper
3) a cook
4) a nanny
at my home with parents.

It's sad to see my parents have aged so much within the past 6 years since i left home for my study in jordan. Eventho i went home (almost) every holiday, living day by day with them now is different. I get to see them 24/7, of which during their energetic morning routine, seeing them nap in the afternoon, or sometimes reciting Quran together, watching wrinkles and moles that seemed to increase as their age...till sleeping by their side, hearing tiny tired snores after falling asleep while watching tv in the family area.

I enjoy cooking now that it seems that my parents appreciate my efforts and helping me with mentoring and advising around. I love the feeling when we gather to eat together for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack times...etc. alhamdulillah.

A gardener me? Well, it is not easy for the start. But my parents keep reminding me to water plants everyday until i happened to remember it (and willing to do it :p) on my own. It's disturbing to see my father in his 60's wrecking his energy to carry a pail of water to water the plants that cant be reach with the hose.

A nanny me started with caring for my 4 y/o niece when her parents off to work and her taska happened to be involved in some kind of flu endemic. Playing and feeding her everyday. Assessing her developmental milestones (a doctor maksu), and become strict enough to decrease screen-time / screen-exposure activities, that i need to cramp my head thinking how to not lead a boring day for toddler like her without youtube. I improved at introducing her "breakfast, lunch and dinner", table ethiquette hahaha, she eats more now not just on milk like before, but i struggle until now to have courage to potty train her. Wrong. To have courage to change her diapers. Well, dont ask me anything else. Every parent has done their best for their child, in their own ways. We better never complaint about others.

Well,
I wish to capture every moment spent with my parents, especially while i hold no commitment yet in the hospital, my soon 2nd home biiznillah.

Anyway, i managed to travel to Langkawi, KL, Singapore, Terengganu and Thailand within the past 3 months time. I never expect this!

Alhamdulillah.

While my friends choose to work and maybe have earned their paychecks for 3 months.

I choose to work here from home, with paycheck withhold until i claim all the rewards in akhirat. Amiin.

As long as we are firm and happy with our choice, everybody will enjoy their days without complaints.

P.s
I believe, doing some good things to our parents is one of Allah's blessing and mercy. Alhamdulillah.