it is okay, it's gonna be alright

- bismillah -

(وَتَوَكَّلۡ عَلَى ٱلۡحَیِّ ٱلَّذِی لَا یَمُوتُ وَسَبِّحۡ بِحَمۡدِهِۦۚ وَكَفَىٰ بِهِۦ بِذُنُوبِ عِبَادِهِۦ خَبِیرًا)

[Surah Al-Furqan 58]

Last 2 weeks were stressful enough for my skin to flare up again.

My sinusitis also got worse up till my ear got stuffed one sidedly too (not just nose got stuffy).

And subhanAllah.

I kept telling myself not to dwell in self pity.

And strive hard to achieve amal soleh.

Be it stressful, be it alone.

Strive.

Because with amal soleh, 

Know that to achieve amal soleh is the best achievement in this dunia. Amal soleh, is our manifestation of faith and iman. Amal soleh, is/are ones that we believe that we would 'bring' to meet Allah.

Strive. No matter what your challenge(s) is/are. Be it physically, mentally, know that u must strive continuosly.

And all that need tawakal.

For Allah is always there. Always here. Always with us. No matter what our condition(s) is/are/was/were/will be.

Jom.

Tawakal

Tasbih

Tahmid

Istighfar.

Semoga Allah jaga kita semua, tak ditinggalkan seorang diri di dunia dan akhirat dalam menghadapi cabaran sekeliling.

What ever difficulty you are currently in, trust Allah He is with you. Always there.

*Hugs yourself with this ayat

a reflective sunday

- bismillah -

This morning i made another workout, walking for 5km around my kampung #yeay alhamdulillah.

I started earlier than before, that was at 730am instead of 8am because i know my speed would be 1 hour for 5km, 30mins for 3km, or longer for both. So far couldnt be any shorter hahaha.

Since i'm going alone, i will not be going out too early in the morning, and i will tell my mom the estimated time that i'll reach home. So today i just said to her to call me if i'm not home yet after an hour.

Safety is number one. 

And for more precaution as a lone runner, i dont keep a routine exercise. I wont take same route on any same time at any day to avoid bad people, well, just in case. Next, i tried to make connections with people around (rumah2 orang kampung tepi jalan). Just in case, knowing some important / respected elders might help building the safety-net around me. 

Above all, Allah's protection is what i seek. 

Walking alone has been a theraphy for me. When i was in jordan, i ponder a lot and came with lots of reflective ideas and motivations to survive medical school. All these were gained during walking/ commuting to and fro the university.

Today, as i was walking, i started to realise that i love being alone. I enjoy being alone. And i get to know my self more. I am more thankful for being in my current state of mind and living condition.

Despite having chronic autoimmune illness, alhamdulillah i can still target for 5km walking. (I will not focus on pace /speed of walking/running). Alhamdulillah for the chance and opportunity. Imagine some other people will other illnesses that just preventing them from even stepping the foot...like carcinoma etc (nauzubillah min zalik).

So, kata2 ajaib / kata hikmat yg keluar masa jalan2 tadi adalah....

Focus apa yg kita ada, tak perlu fokus apa yang takda.

So single life, takde anak/ pasangan nak difikirkan makan sarapan apa etc, hahaha, why dont i just run/ exercise 🤣

So, if u bangun tido pagi had to think what ur family got to eat for that day, then buatla benda tu..nak cari bahan / masak ke etc, fokus apa yg u ada / perlu, jgn fokus apa yg tak ada / tak perlu...

Enjoying my early morning activity very much alhamdulillah ☘️

Alhamdulillah for a pleasant free sunday morning without any other commitments other than self-care 💕

Alhamdulillah

sabar with current condition

- bismillah -

Today is another sunday. 

But it was counter productive than my previous sunday last week.

Waking up with diarhea (which i dont know the cause), slow-pressure water supply (naseb baik masih ada air) since morning. So no laundry, no morning walk/jog. 

Well, it does make me feel sad and not achieve anything.

On top of that, the rashes flare up again, since 1 week. I use the lowest dose of hydrocortisone cream and it doesnt seem to work. Maybe starting tomorrow i would have to use the potent one...bepraslic like i used before.

I am sad. Sometimes i have no motivation and too lazy to apply topical medications. I tried to religiously putting on moisturiser (lotion/cream) post shower, taking shorter colder shower than before, but when the skin still flares up, i just kinda bit disappointed.

Anyway, i am sharing here (in writing) because i dont want to talk (speak, discuss) about it with anyone. Pretend u didnt know my struggle with my skin condition if u've ever know/meet me in person.

Now coming to diarrhea issue, this is the first episode since i'm back in malaysia. Previously back in jordan, i consume so much sugar (biscuits, chocolates, ice cream, cookies, pizza) and dairy products (milk, cheese, yogurt) that i had diarhea episodes almost every month. Since i'm in malaysia, i didnt eat as much junks sugary food as when i was overseas. My mother once threw away a big bag of marshmallow that i bought 🤣 #sorrynotsorry. Since then, i know i have to control my sugar cravings. I also found that my threshold for spicy food lowered after back for good from the middle east, since i would have acid reflux and sometimes diarhea if i ate spicy meals (fyi, i love spicy food / sambal before i went to middle east hahaha).

But last night, i made a hot chocolate drink, eat nasi ayam with the cili sauce tuang semua dalam nasi...and there it is, diarhea comes first the next morning 🤦

They said about leaky gut syndrome etc right? I dont know. But as long as i avoid sugary food and eggs, my skin seems to be okay. And so does my bowel motion. Urmmm.

I missed my former housemates during medical student days. They would cook separately for me to avoid allergy / trigger, ie - another pot of laksa with no belacan, another pan of nasi goreng with no eggs, etc. It was so good to be surrounded with supportive friends.

Today, i just eaten nasi goreng cina  (with telur) for lunch and right now, i'm suffering with new flares and itchiness. I know i'm responsible for my own choice, but when the food was already prepared/bought in front of me, how can i resist it right 😅

All in all, i hope i have strong supports and self motivation

- to live my life with all the moisturising regime, 

- to religiously apply steroid and taper them down during acute flares, 

and strong enough 

- to just refuse food containing allergens 😿

Farhana, be strong. Dont think too much. Allah surely is always here with you. He knows all the pain, the itch, the bleeds, the scratches, the crusts and skin peels, and all.

Sabar. 

Sabar.

Sabar.

a productive sunday morning

- bismillah -

It was kinda disturbing for me (previously) when seeing updates and stories about my friends having to handle their kids haha.

So i decided to live my single life to the fullest (haha, at least, today?)

So it's Sunday today. By 11.33 am (time of writing this), i manage to achieve all these:

- 2 loads of laundry + hanging them dry outdoor (ongoing 3rd batch - my work out clothes)

- vacuuming my bedroom and halway

- vacuuming my bed (haha this is important)

- 30 mins morning walk of 2.75km around my kampung

- short break after jogging with simple gardening ( trimmed the roses and a bonsai-in-the-making)

- taking shower with after-shower moisturising

- having brunch! (I didnt cook them, my mom & brother went early morning to buy them)

- taking my daily medication :)

- light reading from our wilayah mufti tazkirah (bayan linnas)

Well, having a chronic autoimmune skin condition wont allow me to be this happy and high at all the times. There were days when i'm in low and depressive mood too haha. When that happens, i just lay down in my bed with pijama until zohor haha lol.

So, this is what life at 27 years old with no kids around and no spouse haha. I can just do what i want to do, having no pressure of task/obligation.

Anyway, let's live our own life to the fullest, according to our own capacity.

Now, i am waiting for whatsapp messages from the JMs (community nurses) about home visits for the newborns and their mommies condition (today is my passive oncall day). They will do the home visit and notify me the updates and progress.

Hope all is well.

☘️

Semoga Allah berkati dan beri peluang utk kita beramal, tika lapang dan sibuk, dengan amal fardhu dan sunat.

Ingatlah, semua nya utk Allah. Baru ada kesan dan kebaikan. Semoga tak rugi di dunia dan akhirat. Amiin. 

Writing here so that i know, and remember, that today is one of the many good sunday morning that i am grateful for. Alhamdulillah.

communication is key

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Currently 1 and half months working in new workplace, which is klinik kesihatan. 

Yesterday i went to talk with my ym (who one was not happy with me taking few annual leaves).

I explained to her, i never took any leave during my floating mo phase in previous workplace, i explained to her that i also didnt take any leave upon lapor diri (other people took few days off for adjustment after transfer), i explained to her that i have 40+ days of annual leaves to finish before my contract ends in February next year, i clearly told her that i took 5 days off during september, of which are not more than 3 consecutive days.

She told me she was also like me, rarely took leaves during housemanship, never took leaves during floating, and started to finish her annual leaves later when she came to klinik kesihatan. Sounds empathic right?

But no. I dont feel it. 

But, i know she care for my daily clinical exposure, and she advised me not to take 15 consecutive days of leave  (Hell, who did it? It wasnt me. Why are you targetting me? - these were my monologue) - she care about my critical allowance (the allowance yg dulu gomen nak tarik then kasi balik lepas our union minta revised). Thanks to covid pandemic making them realised how critical mo kontrak are.

Fyi, taking leaves for 15 days per months memang la tak dapat allowance.

Anyway, i'm satisfied i've told her everything i need to say. I've met the higher boss earlier, and she is just fine for me to take up to 6 days of leaves per month.

----

For my 5 days september leaves justifications, 

1 day - to go to main PKD office to settle my govuc email application (my kerani told me to go there by myself to fill the form, and i met my ppk there fetching surat and everything, so apa guna kerani and ppk tu when they can pass the form to me in the clinic?)

3 days - resting

1 day - my dermato appointment day

I write here because nobody cares about it and i have to explain to my own self that i am not the problematic fella who refuse to go to work and taking multiple leaves. 

Stay true to yourself farhana. U know what your are doing. Sometimes, i just dont need to explain to rest and to be happy. Just do it.

#sabarye

#semoga Allah buka jalan terbaik amiin

cuti banyak kena bawang

- bismillah -

Today is Friday. Alhamdulillah. I go to work driving as usual.

"Weh, dr x marah hang amik cuti banyak sangat," said y to me. I just returned to work today after 3-day leaves.

"Farhana, awak amik cuti banyak bulan 10, nanti bulan 11 kena re-tag semula dekat MCH," x.

Hahaha. Since it's friday, a good blessed day, i just smiled to her and nodded. No cursing words, being heard, at least.

Habis tu yg tagging mch bulan 9 ni kira apa? Bulan sept i took a total of 5 days leaves (selang2 okay bukan strettt). Sokay. I can learn more in mch. U can do and decide whatever u want, it doesnt change my current ud 41 contract status pun. I will still be paid the same 41 wages...

That issue (41 contract) is more of top priority if talking about being oppressed.

Fyi, since feb this year i havent take any leaves. Masuk kk 2 minggu kerja baru nak cuti. Bukan masuk2 cuti pun. Sblom datang kk pun i was the last given cuti sbb expected to stay in ed so can be given cuti later, but mana tahu kena campak ke kk (sebab takda cable nak retain me department i want). My total cuti is 50 days. I am sensible enough to not taken cuti too long/ consecutive days.

Now she (x) just make me want to be the lazy doctor who cuti cuti and cuti. 

Stupidity sometimes equals to your prejudice on others. 

I love to work. I can work 6 months without taking cuti rehat. It's NOT that i am lazy now that i took cuti rehat...I JUST WANT TO CUTI LA DR SENIORKU...

penempatan semula

- bismillah - 

Alhamdulillah. Hari ni lapor diri untuk penempatan semula.

Another chapter of my medicine life / career path.

Sebelum ni isi borang pilih negeri.

Alhamdulillah dapat negeri yang dipilih.

Then hari ni lapor diri untuk tahu penempatan. Allah izin saya masuk pejabat kesihatan daerah / kk. So bye bye hospital...

Saya minta pada Allah yang terbaik, yang tak perlu oncall (mengharapkan ED), Allah susun dapat kk.

Masa jalan pi amik surat macam tak percaya. Betul ke ni aku tak dapat hospital?

Ketar tangan buka surat...baca tulisan2 bold ja...tertulis Pejabat Kesihatan Daerah K*****.

Baca lagi sekali word by word.

Tak ada perubahan. Memang confirm dapat KK.

Alhamdulillah.

Mixed feeling. Syukur tak perlu oncall 36 jam bekerja. Tapi dijentik rasa sedih tak dapat ED. Then kawan2 pm tanya dkt ig & watsapp...lama2 okay la boleh terima..in shaa Allah.

Banyak hikmah dekat tempat baru nanti. Allah dah tulis yg terbaik. Yakinlah dengan doa dan segala usaha.

Syukur. Allah maha tahu.

Alhamdulillah.

I prayed in my istikharah, if ED is best for me, dunia dan akhirat, then i want ED. If KK is best for me, dunia akhirat, then i pray for KK.

Alhamdulillah.

Semoga beroleh kehidupan sejahtera dan barakah. Semoga sentiasa dlm jagaan Allah.

Good life, they said? Bismillah, tawakkal pada Allah. For my past, now and future, everything is under His care and control.

 

Ps

I pray that bila duk kk ni boleh kahwen and start my own family. Amiin. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan kebaikan di dunia dan akhirat amiin.✨