cuti banyak kena bawang

- bismillah -

Today is Friday. Alhamdulillah. I go to work driving as usual.

"Weh, dr x marah hang amik cuti banyak sangat," said y to me. I just returned to work today after 3-day leaves.

"Farhana, awak amik cuti banyak bulan 10, nanti bulan 11 kena re-tag semula dekat MCH," x.

Hahaha. Since it's friday, a good blessed day, i just smiled to her and nodded. No cursing words, being heard, at least.

Habis tu yg tagging mch bulan 9 ni kira apa? Bulan sept i took a total of 5 days leaves (selang2 okay bukan strettt). Sokay. I can learn more in mch. U can do and decide whatever u want, it doesnt change my current ud 41 contract status pun. I will still be paid the same 41 wages...

That issue (41 contract) is more of top priority if talking about being oppressed.

Fyi, since feb this year i havent take any leaves. Masuk kk 2 minggu kerja baru nak cuti. Bukan masuk2 cuti pun. Sblom datang kk pun i was the last given cuti sbb expected to stay in ed so can be given cuti later, but mana tahu kena campak ke kk (sebab takda cable nak retain me department i want). My total cuti is 50 days. I am sensible enough to not taken cuti too long/ consecutive days.

Now she (x) just make me want to be the lazy doctor who cuti cuti and cuti. 

Stupidity sometimes equals to your prejudice on others. 

I love to work. I can work 6 months without taking cuti rehat. It's NOT that i am lazy now that i took cuti rehat...I JUST WANT TO CUTI LA DR SENIORKU...

penempatan semula

- bismillah - 

Alhamdulillah. Hari ni lapor diri untuk penempatan semula.

Another chapter of my medicine life / career path.

Sebelum ni isi borang pilih negeri.

Alhamdulillah dapat negeri yang dipilih.

Then hari ni lapor diri untuk tahu penempatan. Allah izin saya masuk pejabat kesihatan daerah / kk. So bye bye hospital...

Saya minta pada Allah yang terbaik, yang tak perlu oncall (mengharapkan ED), Allah susun dapat kk.

Masa jalan pi amik surat macam tak percaya. Betul ke ni aku tak dapat hospital?

Ketar tangan buka surat...baca tulisan2 bold ja...tertulis Pejabat Kesihatan Daerah K*****.

Baca lagi sekali word by word.

Tak ada perubahan. Memang confirm dapat KK.

Alhamdulillah.

Mixed feeling. Syukur tak perlu oncall 36 jam bekerja. Tapi dijentik rasa sedih tak dapat ED. Then kawan2 pm tanya dkt ig & watsapp...lama2 okay la boleh terima..in shaa Allah.

Banyak hikmah dekat tempat baru nanti. Allah dah tulis yg terbaik. Yakinlah dengan doa dan segala usaha.

Syukur. Allah maha tahu.

Alhamdulillah.

I prayed in my istikharah, if ED is best for me, dunia dan akhirat, then i want ED. If KK is best for me, dunia akhirat, then i pray for KK.

Alhamdulillah.

Semoga beroleh kehidupan sejahtera dan barakah. Semoga sentiasa dlm jagaan Allah.

Good life, they said? Bismillah, tawakkal pada Allah. For my past, now and future, everything is under His care and control.

 

Ps

I pray that bila duk kk ni boleh kahwen and start my own family. Amiin. Semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan kebaikan di dunia dan akhirat amiin.✨

i choose to acknowledge my feelings, then cater it

Never have i thought, the feeling of emptiness came so many times...and it hit me hard.

The negative feelings of hopelessness, sometimes jealousy...and maybe disappointment. And the countless moments of sadness.

So yes, i admit, at such late-20s, i do feel bad not starting a family yet. Not married nor having commitment.

Dulu i thought it wouldnt matter. I thought i would be okay. I was so proud and determined, once, to be a baby doctor, and would not be worried if i dont married (eventually no kids), because i would be meeting babies everyday. I was so shallow to think, i am okay to not have my own child. I was so proud of that vision, because i think i need no spouse.

But now i do breakdown with stirs of negative thoughts. And maybe emotional desperation. Despite on the outside, i still compose. (Dont laugh)

I have always counter those negative feelings with my own motivation, positive self-talk, filling my days with gratefulness...sometimes it works, sometimes i was just drifted apart with the emotions.

Allah ajar, Dia maha berkuasa atas segala sesuatu. He also always takes good care of all His servants. I pray for stronger faith, to only trust Him for His planning. I pray for a stronger heart. I pray for a stronger me.

This life is just too short to think over things i missed/not having yet. Because what i have now, is always more than enough, and they are always belongs to Allah.

He bestowed His blessings to whoever He wanted to.

Alhamdulillah. I do feel good after venting it out here...

ED on my last days

Allah tahu what i'm feeling.

Semoga sentiasa dlm jagaan Allah.

Amiin.

Semoga beroleh penempatan terbaik.

Utk dunia dan akhirat.

In shaa Allah, bakal memasuki floating episode kedua. Alhamdulillah dapat negeri yang sama juga. Doakan dapat tempat yang sama, if not, yg terbaik amiin.

Sesungguhnya aku bersyukur pada Allah untuk segalanya. Alhamdulillah alaa kulli hal.

Semoga Allah berkati aku dan orang sekelilingku, semoga sentiasa berada dalam kebaikan. Amiin.

my 3rd visit to dermato clinic

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. My general skin condition improving. But i would still have to continue my medications for another 1 month because of some stubborn flakes on my scalp. The doctor even increase the dose.

I saw few friends on social media promoting supplements in form of vitamins. Well, i am currently taking daily folic acid, and occasionally taking vit c. What's different between me and them is that, those vitamins i'm taking become my requirement, but for others they may be merely supplement.

Taking daily folic acid is essential because i'm on mtx, a cytotoxic drug that works in folic acid derivatives in my body. Continuos depletion may lead to various complications to one's body and also to the fetus if one gets pregnant. 

Since i'm on mtx, the doctor asked me if i'm getting married in the next few months, of which of course i said no. Then she said may be i would have to continue the treatment up to 1 year.

Yes i do feel sad, but i am more grateful of being in current condition rather than having special someone but i have to break the news instead. Allah had save me from unnecessary headache 😂

Above all, lets pray for everyone's happiness.

Dunia ni xlama pun. Yang penting jaga soul kita. Jaga iman dan hati kita. Kulit, badan, anggota, semua tu pinjaman dan amanah juga. Yg kekal adalah kehidupan akhirat.

🙂

dewasa

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah, sudah meningkat usia akhir 20-an. Persoalan, cabaran dan perkara hadir dlm kehidupan seharian juga berbeza.

Suatu hari, terjumpa fb profile seorang kawan lama (perempuan). Dia kini sudah mempunyai seorang anak. Ma shaa Allah tabakallah.

Dan pada hari yang sama seorang kawan perempuan lain pula pm tepi. Mulanya saja2 bertanya khabar, lama2 beliau sendiri mencurah isi hati setelah kecewa dengan cinta.

Ah, dunia ini banyak ceritanya! Di hujung spektrum sana dengan cerita bahagia hidup berkeluarga, di hujung sini pula cerita kecewa tidak dapat mengecap cinta.

Dan Allah takdirkan aku di tengah. Tidak sebahagia orang yg di sana, dan tidak pula sekecewa seperti orang di sini.

Untuk itu, aku bersyukur menjadi aku. Aku bersyukur dengan nikmat masa sekarang. Aku bersyukur dengan nikmat masa lepas. Dan aku bertawakal untuk nikmat masa depanku.

Wahai temanku yang kecewa dicurangi,

Ketahuilah, setiap yang jahat, pasti ada yang lebih jahat daripadanya. Dan setiap rasa kecewa itu, ada sebab lain yang kesan kecewa nya lebih besar.

Bukan kah jika mati tanpa iman itu adalah kekecewaan terbesar? Bukankah manusia zaman silam yang membakar Nabi Ibrahim itu lebih gila dan kejam daripada lelaki biasa yang mencurangi mu...

Keluarlah daripada kepompong keselesaan. Cabarlah dirimu mengenal diri, bahawa kau layak diuji. Carilah perkara yang lebih besar, sehingga kau merasakan diri mu dan masalahmu, perasaanmu, adalah perkara kecil.

Dan sebesar2 perkara pastinya kembali kepada Allah.

Be present. Be grateful in your current state.

Kemudian, pada hari yang sama, aku dikhabarkan kisah ketiga. Juga mengenai kecurangan. Cumanya kali ini mereka masih bernikah, dan isterinya ialah rakan sepengajianku. Dia seperti tidak tahu, kerana ig-nya hanyalah kisah honeymoon.

Pesan nabi, cukuplah kamu dikira mengumpat jika menceritakan apa yang kamu dengar saja (tanpa bukti).

Siapa yang benar, hanya Allah yang tahu. Yg menceritakan, yang diceritakan atau yang tidak tahu cerita?

Tugas kita, ialah only care if berkaitan dengan kita. Kalau dia bahagia, biarlah dia bahagia, walaupun ada gosip di sebaliknya.

Kembali lah mengetuk pintu iman. Jaga pandangan, percakapan dan fikiran!

Dan isi keempatnya, mungkin jodohku masih belum sampai kerana hatiku masih bergelap.

Semoga titik2 hitam dalam hati ni dapat dihilangkan.

Kembali ke cerita pertama tadi, hati yang gelap ini terdetik, (alangkah biasanya seorang dia dulu kini sudah berkeluarga!), mungkin itulah gumpalan fikiran yang menggelapkan hati.

Semoga Allah ampunkan aku.

Kawan, jadilah orang yang biasa2 sahaja, kita bukan sesiapa. Kita juga sangat biasa2. Jangan pandang tinggi pada makhluk ciptaan Allah, tapi pada Allah, Tuhan yang maha pencipta.

Semoga Allah kurniakan kita qalbun saleem. Amiin

❤️

family love

I love you hence i dont hold my phone during meal times.

That is how i show my love.

I kept my phone inside my room or put it on the cabinet nearby.

But i cant expect others to love me the same way.

Everybody just loves everyone, it's just that we manifest our love differently.

May Allah bless my parents and family.