Sunday, October 29, 2017

Role reversal

- bismillah -

SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. Allahu akbar.

My life took another turn this week.

During the last few weeks i was very excited to begin my days as a fulltime housekeeper at my parents home. I even downloaded few apps about house cleaning, ie FlyHelper, Cleaning Checklist, and both apps had been were very helpful to keep me on track with cleaning schedule.

However, last week was a different twist of my daily story. My parent had underwent a total hip replacement surgery on her left hip, so i spent 6 days in the hospital with her until she was discharged. During the stay, my home cleaning schedule was left unattended (hey i dont even sleep at home for a night during the whole week). Instead, my daily routine had changed!

From just a housekeeper, i'm now a nurse (too).

I've never expected to have been given the chance to take care of my parents before. They have been taking care of me since i was inside my mother's womb! Now, the role is reverse where the child is now subjected to take care of the parent, just like how they were treated when they were young. Feed them, bath them, entertain them...etc

This is called role-reversal.

To be honest, it is hard. At one point, it is frightening, thinking what if i made mistakes in taking care of them, what if my decision will hurt them with me unknowingly think i had done the best for them...and to break down once in a while, and alternately be extremely happy and contented since i have taken care of them the best possible way (i think). It is hard too when you see them are not really capable of doing things they used to like or find it easy/enjoying, but now no longer seems to be like that.

5 minutes in the toilet crying, or doing some morning rituals, or even writing reflective post like this at the end of the day, are enough to vent down the stress. Spend the rest of the day doing and serving your best to your beloved ones. That's how i keep myself going everyday.

And i believe to strengthen the faith in Allah and His help, is the ultimate key to keep being strong.

Because His rewards are more valuable and priceless than anything in the world,
Allah is sufficient for me.

May Allah keep me and my family under His blessings and guidances.


Sunday, October 22, 2017

Suri rumah me

- bismillah -


Tadi buat kerja umah. Cleaning. Baru sedar, tak pernah betul2 kemas rumah melainkan kalau nak raya. Raya = kemas rumah. Padahal, kemas rumah ni rutin dan keperluan.

Baru sedar jugak, tak pernah tolong mak kemas rumah pun sblum ni. Kemas pun bilik sendiri. Mungkin sbb mak dan ayah both sangat pengemas dan rajin (alhamdulillah), maka anaknya nih tak pernah buat kerja rumah. Debu pun tak pernah nampak, mcm mana nak kemas kan hahaha

Tapi, sekarang both my parents dah 5-series, ayah dah in his 60's. Diorang dah tak larat dah kemas rumah. Dulu balik kerja pun mak larat vacuum rumah. Weekend tak pernah keluar lepak mall ya, tapi kemas rumah ataupun bakar2 daun kering dekat laman rumah, tebang2 pokok, etc. They got so much works to do that i pernah tanya, mak ayah awat tak pernah take some time and just lazily sit in front of the tv for some movies? Hhhuhuhuhu.

And now, i just realised, banyakkkk sangat kerja nak buat dlm rumah nih. Never ending. Sapu, mop, vacuum x (kali) berapa ruang dlm rumah x frequency to maintain spic and span.

Sambil vacuum terfikir, kalau lah mcm ni punya banyak kerja nak buat, dalam dan luar rumah, manalah sempat nak fikir nak travel pi layan angin...huuuuuu.

I always want to go here and there most of the time, leaving my own world... So immature to flee while k have my commitment here.

Try cari cleaning schedule dekat pinterest. Huwaaaa. Banyak nya. Kalau tak buat, sapa lagi nak buat utk rumah kita?

We never had any maid.
And i respect my parents yg jaga rumah tanpa debu utk anak2 dan cucu2 (masa depa muda dan sihat dan kuat) - that i got allergy to almost anything haha sbb rumah bersih sangat - so why cant i do the same to them?

Kenalah jaga rumah utk mak ayah tinggal dgn selesa juga...

Boleh, farhana? :)

Monday, October 16, 2017

Serve the immediate community

- bismillah -

This morning, i went to a private hospital to accompany my mom. I met a passionate consultant who's seeing my mom for her treatment.

Somehow, he managed to find out that i am a medical graduate. We talked about my mom's case and he even taught me how to read the xray, reminded me of my doctors in the university. We discussed about the approach first and straight to the specific treatment afterwards.

Besides that, he also advised me about my current situation. He worried about the future of doctors working in the goverment since there are booms of medical graduates each year but insufficient places of practice. He even predicted that one day, in the future, the private hospitals would even have to accomodate housemen since the gov institutions are all fully occupied. In that case, if it is that to happen, the hos serving in private practice will have more advantages because they will be mentored directly by the consultants, not by just anyone...who are above the status of ho.

Only 50% of hos will become gov's mos in the future. Where would those another half have to go?

I have heard the same idea from a private GP previously. The concern that they both stressed out to me is that, dont depend solely on the gov. The medical graduates are increasing, teaching hospitals will run out of place of practice, the competitions will rise, shorter and inadequate exposures to the hos, and other complications of "being too many of junior doctors than the country can afford to train".

The private GP i met previously sent his son to study in the UK and later served in the Singapore. The consultant i met this morning questioned me why i dont go to the USA (take usmle). By working overseas, they said, that i can climb high and practice adequately. The gov's sector is not very promising.

I agreed with some of their points. I even felt a bit of regret for not studying for usmle while i was in medical school (like a bunch of my arab friends did, we malaysians just enjoy studying mbbs at our own pace huhu). And if i want to take the exams now, i dont think my saving can cover the cost. Next, after regretting why i dont study much, now i regret why i dont save much.

However, practically thinking, i think i have had it enough. I have studied full throttle as much as i can, the sufferings cant go beyond my control, and i had put aside some money from my loans enough to bring the money back to malaysia with 5 digits.

I do not regret anything.

Yes, going to uk or us or singapore seems very promising, one can climb the career ladder high, but i dont think that the path is for me. I am not ready to leave my immediate community behind (again) after living in the middle east for half a decade. There are too many things i have missed since i left malaysia. Especially my parents, their aging days, their disease development, their everyday life and everything. I just cant afford to handle all things in life alone in the other side of the continent anymore. It was very tiring to live and survive in a community who are not even close to us. Embracing all the (domestic, economic, social, spiritual, etc) challenges would be too much for me especially when i have to adapt to the stressing residency life later.

So, this is my path. Waiting for SPA, and go with the flow, just like the rest. I have to promise myself to strive and survive the path i have chosen. Everybody is the same, we are struggling for our own satisfaction. I think i will have to revise my values on life satisfaction.

It may be difficult, but my faith in His plan should be firm and I must trust Him. That what ever i do, what ever happens, is all in His control.

May He bless me with all the best things in the dunia and akhirat.

At night, coincidentally i watched an episode of a chinese drama:

"This is Dr He Jing, a post graduate doctor (resident). She worked in People's Hospital xxx (suburb). She has performed 1000 CS during her career. Has anyone (the directors who present) in this room is as experienced as her?" - Deputy Director Dr Qu Ming, from Obstetrician drama hehe.

He slammed all the arrogant directors who opposed He Jing's involvement in a special surgery since she was only a training resident who dont have a written qualifications and seniority.

Well, i learnt something from that point of view. If you are good enough, what more if you are exceptional, you can achieve your best performance just anywhere...

Hargailah pengalaman. Itulah anugerah dan kekayaan sebenar. Bukan pengiktirafan dan bukan gelaran.

Start humble, proceed high up staying humble.

Dicampak ke laut menjadi pulau, dicampak ke gunung menjadi lembah.

Berusaha utk memberi.

Sedaya upaya, tanpa melupakan Allah pemilik segala ketetapan dan keizinan.

Dapat posting di mana pun, semoga Allah izinkan yg terbaik. Permulaan dan pengakhiran yg diredhai.

Serve your immediate community.

Ada rezeki, serve beyond them.

Takkan ada kepuasan hati di dunia ini. Serve lah sampai syurga. Bukan berhenti bila dah dapat sesuatu, bukan berhenti bila masih tak dapat apa2.

Your satisfaction in your career, is only after you have achieved His blessings in Jannah.

Dont stop.
Dont lose the striving mode.

Strive! For His blessing.

Friday, October 13, 2017

A memorable friday

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah untuk hari ni. Jumaat yang mendung dan hujan.

Pagi2 lagi bangun lepas subuh mulanya golek2 atas katil tapi kemudian decide nak bangun pergi dapur. Bila ada determination maka langkah lebih mudah dan lebih celik haha.

Masuk dapur mula2 sekali selak langsir. Nampak sunrise depan rumah di sebalik bukit. Ma shaa Allah. Dapur mcm dimly lit in natural light. Awww mcm nak spend time minum panas sambil tgk sunrise. Tp sebab nak bancuh air xnampak, terpaksa la buka jugak lampu.

Sambil minum (hari ni selera white coffee) sambil tengok sunrise. Lampu off course dah padam selepas siap bancuh air. Suasana makin cerah. Sambil duduk di meja makan yang menghadap matahari, sambil belek buku resepi. Hirup white coffee. #perfectmorninggituwww

Dah tgk buku resepi, pagi2 pulak tu, rasa banyakkk benda nak cuba buat. So by end of my cup of coffee, dah siap dua grocery list yang panjang, satu list utk nat (pasar pagi), satu list utk pasaraya (ke giant kah kita).

Pukul 8 pagi keluar sekejap naik kancil dengan mak dan ayah pergi beli nasi lemak dan kuih muih. Haha. Hari ni sengaja tak goreng nasi macam hari2 lain. Lagipun sepanjang minggu nih tak keluar beli makanan waktu pagi sekali pun lagi. Hari2 makan nasi goreng hehe.

Lepas makan sarapan keluar pulak ke nat. Alhamdulillah. By the time habis beli, sempat masuk ke dlm kereta sbelum hujan turun lebat. Penattt berkejar dlm rintik2 tu. Ayah took some time before his breath becomes normal 😂 tersandar kejap baru boleh start kereta. Sempat beli ayam kampung, ayam bandar haha, sayur, pisang, buah mata kucinggg.

Lepas tu pergi giant. Mak dan ayah tunggu dlm kereta. Me, went alone inside with my longgg grocery list.

Kesian jugak mak ayah tapi nak buat mcm mana. Mungkin lps2 ni kena drive snediri.

Dlm giant pagi jumaat tak ramai orang. Jumpa baking pan promo murah gill, and completed my list in 1 hour. Huhu. or more. Tp overall process was smooth, barang dlm troli dah susun ikut sejuk, basah, tin, serbuk, kaca, keras, lembik etc so bila cashier scan everything boleh masuk ikut group plastik yg sama dgn cepat.

Tapi ada satu pack blueberi yg saya lupa nk scan. No, ingatkan tak perlu timbang sbb harga jual per pack bukan per kilo. Cashier plak takda barcode. Urmmmmmm. Patah balik ke tempat org timbang, mak ai queue panjanggggg. Tapi alhamdulillah ada ilham (baca: lifehack) saya pergi amik gambar barcode dan harga (lgpun jual per pack bukan per kilo so tayah timbang). And patah balik ke cashier dengan muka bangga kasi phone dekat dia. Haha.

Balik umah around 1130am dah. Ttba lapar, masak aglio olio spagetti sbb udang dah ready yg haritu dlm peti ais. Ayam beli nat tadi dah selamat masuk dlm freezer. Haha. Nampaknya menu tengah hari di anjak ke dinner. Tgh hari makan spagetti yg tak dirancang...dah tu ja yg cepat.

Lps solat zohor, pkul 230pm barulah mula masak barang2 yg beli tadi. Menu nasi hujan panas, ayam masak merah dan acar timun. Alhamdulillah. Pukul 5pm lepas org azan asar baru habis masak ayam dan nasi. Pinggang, tumit, lutut semua rasa nak tercabut dah. Berhenti masak pi smayang dulu. Tanya mak dan ayah depa kata taknak makan lagi.

Ayah baring kejap sejak petang sbb sakit belakang. Mak pun tak larat. Ada wafa utk ceriakan depa.
I enjoying my time dekat dapur. Sampai rasa energy drained. Padahal masak ja pun. Myb tak benti berjalan/berdiri dari pagi. Dah siap masak sekali basuh2 periuk.

Senja tu, dalam keadaan mengantuk, letih, tak larat tu, barulah duduk di meja utk potong sayur buat acar. Timun, carrot, bawang. Potong slow2, taking my time sbb confirm makan lps maghrib nanti and bukan sekarang. Siap gaul garam, gula dan cuka, simpan dlm peti sejuk.

Azan maghrib, solat, finally makan time! Dah siap reheat, hidang, tapi...

Kena tukar pampers wafa plak. Selalunya tokwan yg handle bab2 nih, tapi hari ni tokwan sakit...huhuhu maka maksu lah take over.

It was my first time basuh kencing budak. Urmmmmmmm. Haha. Demi cintaku pada ibu ayah haha.

Then barulah boleh duduk dan makan. Finally!

Alhamdulillah. Nasi elok sukatan air so boleh makan, ayam masak penuh tak mentah mcm kedai kadang tu haha, acar pun sempat sejuk dan meresap. Overall i am happy i can serve my family dinner. Alhamdulillah.

Lps makan tu, terus ada tenaga haha. Recharged. Basuh pinggan, lap dapur (sebab ayah baru cuci semalam so hari ni banyak mercik minyak masa buat ayam masak merah tadi, kesian kat ayah), tonyoh sinki, wipe counters, alhamdulillah...very fulfilling. Macam dah hilang fatigue tadi.

Sambil tu masak air panas, buat teh utk diri sendiri. Abang sekeluarga baru sampai utk tidur di rumah sini weekend nih. Alhamdulillah, hari ni mak mmg suruh masak lebih utk abang balik anak beranak makan sama.

Lepas layan teh panas, minum kopi pula dgn mak dan ayah di depan tv. Alhamdulillah for this chance.

Duduk sekejap di ruang tamu, baca buku abc dengan wafa. Main belon etc.

Pukul 1130pm mula tulis post nih.
Now ending at 1248am saturday. Alhamdulillah for this one of my most memorable fridays.

May Allah bless me and my family. Amiin.

Hello paeds!

- bismillah - Alhamdulillah. Currently i'm in my 5th posting. For whoever had wish me and pray for me since the start of my career jour...