Saturday, December 9, 2017

Bila kita akan kembali

Hanya pada Allah tempat kita bergantung.

Jika ditakdirkan kita hilang segalanya dalam dunia ini, atau kita yang menghilang, maka harta dunia hanya tinggal terbiar atau dipindah milik, nama yang baik menjadi sebutan, rumah yang besar dilanda kekosongan, saudara mara yang pergi ditinggalkan.

Rumah dan isinya bukan utk dibawa ke alam sana. Berapa banyak sudah rumah2 agam suatu masa lalu kini terbiar tanpa penghuni setelah kematian beberapa generasi pemilik.

Usah risau.

Segalanya akan menjadi lipatan sejarah buat yang masih ada.

Kerana akhirnya, hidup yang sebenar dan abadi adalah di alam sana.

Friday, December 8, 2017

To Mrs A-I & L-R

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. If i have only 2 bff, now all my bff are all married! Haha.

We are of the same age, but i learnt a lot from them, in terms of life lessons.

They are well read and educated in shaa Allah.
The piles of books about marriage, parenting, household economy and income are as high as the medicine textbooks...they read them all for years before they are married.

😂 i too struggled for years, but to just finish the trilogy book by ust hasrizal.

I believe, Allah has been so kind to bestow upon them a partner who can ease their path, calm their turbulent days, weep their tears... Because recently, their 'hardship' seems unbearable (to me)...may Allah ease.

I love both of you.
I treasure all the words of support, the walks we took in search of food, the rain we redah in search of knowledge, the sleepless nights of cooking for rumah terbuka, the testing of new recipes and the salt dramas...haha..the everything, either ones we did openly or secretly..

May you have better memories ahead with respective partners.

I'm waiting for my astronout, currently is landing in the uranus planet...heh (pluto isnt a planet~)

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Kenduri at kampung

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. This afternoon i attended 3 weddings with my beloved father. My mom had to stay at home since she can barely move around easily after the hip surgery.

The 3 events were kampung kenduri-s, so you can expect no hired caterers there, only villagers working as crews for the events. They cooked, they served, did the dishes and everything to make a succesful kenduri. Some of them are distant family members of the bride/groom or might just be anybody living within the same village. Usually the immediate family members will not join the crews but instead dress up with same color/tone as the bride/groom to greet and thanked the guests.

The atmosphere was different to be compared with a wedding held at a local hall/community places. You could clearly hear those chit chats from behind and around you, if mak cik bawang is around, or there will be a deejay in charge to make everything loud and happening. Plus there were no cutlery sounds at all haha since we all eat with our right hand.

Not to forget the earth we were standing on is muddy if it rained days before the kenduri, that it splashed to your baju kurung and the shoes you're wearing.

Going home after three kenduri with full tummy and dirt stained sarong was truly an amazing experience.

Thursday, November 30, 2017

Wintuuur tb

- bismillah -

It has been raining for almost 6 days (nearly a week) in perlis malaysia. Somehow, this season reminds me of my previous winter experience for the past 6 years in jordan. Well, it is quite hard to suddenly dissociate things and memories.

In winter time, apart from i got to feel the coldness of air, the mulut berasap experience, i too got to learnt few other things. One of such is about jamak solat if it rain (for those who regularly pray at the mosque, they can jamak 2 solat if it rains heavily - this is practiced in my previous place, irbid jordan). Then there is about wearing khuf, which is wearing thick socks and just pat the water for ablution instead of removing the socks and wet our whole feet in winter. It is quite an ease, especially when we are travelling during winter.

There was also about deciding which jacket to wear in the morning before going to the class, not to forget daily checking of weather forecast and at what time will it rain - i was too lazy so i always asked my friends who happened to know. Usually, in the beginning of season i would always silap jacket haha..too thin that it feels cold, and at the end of season sometimes wearing too thick that it feels hot and sweaty.


And of course, the awaited guest in winter is the snow!

But before snow showed up, we have to 'suffer' different kinds of 'hardships': stuffy nose, room is too cool to study, bed is too warm to not cuddle up in pijama the whole day, dry skin, chills of ablution 5 times a day...especially for the fajr prayer.

We also eat in bigger proportion in winter. It is for heat. Haha.

Indeed, change of seasons has taught me to be grateful and aware that Allah the Almighty is above those blessings.

Sunday, November 12, 2017

Overnight changes

- bismillah -

When i left malaysia for my study in jordan 6 years ago, i have nothing in my mind to worry for, except that it maybe the last time for me to meet my family if anything bad happen.

Eventually, with the fear in mind, i fly back home to malaysia on every holiday. The shortest one was for 1 week duration, with 3 days for travelling. The longest time was for about 2 months (6-7 weeks), that was for my elective posting at the state hospital in my hometown.

In the early years, my parents would have send me at KLIA, most of the time driving there all the way from perlis (my sis lives in cheras). There was one time they accompanied me with return flight tickets from Alor Star to KLIA, on the same day. It was a memory worth to be treasured since that was the first time flying for my mother. I still remember how was her reaction then when taking off. And as the time went by, i went alone to KLIA, with my parents only sent me back to jordan at the alor star airport.

That were some stories about departures. How about arrivals? Well, there were more occasions that they fetched me at the alor star airport more than at klia. So, i can only walked fast and queued for the lift to level 5 at the klia arrival hall. Most of the time, i dared not to look at any one who was standing there at the arrival hall because i know nobody was waiting for me, at least there. However, upon arriving at the alor star airport, i was the first to leave the plane, and hurriedly went to the belt to fetch my luggages. And i would search for my beloved parents faces as they were waiting at the arrival hall. I remembered how once i hugged tight my mom who was standing there, in front of everyone there.

Well, the next time i went home, i found my mom sitting at the chair im the arrival hall. And the last time i went home for good after graduating, i got my mom and dad still able to fetch me at the airport, buy this only my dad coming out of the car. My mom, stays in her seat since it was difficult and painful for her to get out.


How are my parents sending me at departures, and them fetching me at the arrivals gradually changing?

It was due to my mother's health condition. She has OA on her hips bilaterally. Over the years, the OA progressing badly. They even couldnt attend my graduation ceremony in jordan eventhough that was what we had intended to since the beginning of my study.

With multifactorial reasons, me too didnt attend the ceremony. I left jordan for good after my final exams and getting the results clear.

I spent about 4 months at home with my parents. Despite the deteriorating pain, my mother works around the house everyday. Her ikigai (i think) is about setting the house at its best condition, in and out. So there was one day she could be found (asking me) vacuuming the floors, and maybe another day telling (me again) to rake up the dry leaves in the house compound. She had limping gait, but that never stopped her. On the day of her surgery, she even sawed small tree branches on her own. Well, her hands did most of the works since her hips OA had compromised her standing and walking functions.

After 4 months of so much things to do, so much places to clean, so frequent the dry leaves piling up, i was left to do everything alone.

My mother now is wheelchair-bound or needing the walking frame, at least for 3 months as the doctor advised before she can walk on her own. That is to stabilise and strengthen her new implant.

Can you imagine? I was used to do everything with my mom and dad, all the odd jobs in and around the house, from the morning till evening routines of cleaning and clearing the house, and now the routines have changed. In a drastic way.

Within a night, she can no longer go to the eneven ground she used to when imspecting the mango trees. To make it worse, nobody takes over her job of taking care the harumanis trees. While me and my dad only focused our attention of taking care my mom.

The first week after discharge from the hospital was tough. I dont want to remember details of that, but all of us fight our tears everyday. Only my mom broke down often almost every night, but me and my other family members hold it back on our own. Well, it is emotionally disturbing to have lost our ability to walk so sudden, right? Luckily this just for temporary 3 months. I want to fly with my mom and dad, again.. Amiin.

And now, everything runs smoothly alhamdulillah. Today has been day 20 post op. We need another 70 days to reach 3 months rehab time. My mother can independently take care of her own now, eventhough she may need help with moving around the house. I help with the laundry, cleaning jobs and some cooking. Most of the time, i struggle to make everything becomes a routine. Uhuhuhu. I was one spoilt child who woke up at noon and found my breakfast ready on the table before, now i have become a better housechild cum housekeeper. Hahahaha.

Anyway, alhamdulillah. I can sense that i had a more fulfilling life now compared to before. And i have managed to curb my online shopping habits, soften down the urge to travel, travel and travel. Hahaha. Because currently i have so much things to do around the house that i no longer need to go somewhere else hahaha.

Alhamdulillah, for this fulfilling life i have now.

I must remember, Allah is always with us. And all things in the dunya, the good or the bad, are all temporary.

Because only Allah is eternal.

So i must be grateful for every good moments, and be patient for every not-so-good moments.

That's it. Enough writing theraphy for today. Pray for my mom speedy recovery.


P/s have you imagine doing laundry in the morning everyday like a real perfect housewife? Hahahaha i havent before so i feel real purrrfect, even just doing laundry.

Thursday, November 9, 2017

Rocks after rocks

- bismillah -

Dulu, semasa masih belajar, saya rasakan yg exam, nk grad, nk lulus, adalah perkara yg besar dan utama dlm hidup. Lepas satu, satu exam datang dan pergi. Selain tu, juggle juga dengan aktiviti persatuan dan kelas2 ilmu tambahan. Juga usrah. Masa tu, nk seimbangkan diri dan urus masa utk join semua2 tu, adalah perkara besar dan utama dlm hidup.

Ada lah sekali sekala apabila friendship dan relationship menjadi cabaran besar. Tapi alhamdulillah, most of that time, people around me were all kind and seldom gave me headache.

Suatu hari, kak A cakap, dlm hidup ni cabaran dan ujian takkan berhenti, akan dtg lepas satu, satu silih berganti. Kata beliau lagi, bagaikan sekarang kita sedang angkat sebuah batu besar. Apabila sudah berjaya mengangkatnya, kita rasa bangga dgn susah payah kita yg lepas, rupanya di depan kita sekarang ada lagi batu yg menunggu utk diangkat, malah lebih besar!

Lepas satu, satu.

Begitulah ceritanya lepas dah grad...

Siapa sangka, saya ada dua orang kawan yg diuji ahli keluarga mereka dengan kanser. Kedua2 mereka tak tahu satu sama lain, kedua2 mereka melalui ujian menerima berita dan menjaga ahli keluarga yg sakit. Semua ini berlaku elok elok lepas grad, lps dah balik duduk di rumah for good. Elok2 lps 'habis' masalah exam dan fikir nak lulus ke tak.

Both of them sekarang sudah dapat 'berdiri' dengan baik, ahli keluarga sudah berjaya lalui beberapa siri rawatan utk pesakit kanser. Awal2 dulu, mereka juga 'terduduk' sebentar, kerana ujian ini amat berat bagi bahu yg memikul...

Well, tanpa diduga, my parents fell sick too...even though gradually. They are aging so fast that i missed being a spoilt child who woke up at noon. Now, i cant do like that anymore. All of their daily chores are transfered to me (and my siblings) since both of them have health concern.

I never thought that taking care of my parents will be the next rock (read: challenge) i have to face.

Anyway, i thanked Allah for every moment i spent with them. Soon, we would all return to Allah.

May everything is accepted as good deeds, and my Allah grant His Mercy to my parents. Amiin.


- bismillah -

Hari ni mak jumpa dr low utk appointment kedua selepas bedah kaki (thr). Hari ni dr cabut buang semua stapler.

Bawa mak masuk treatment room, sementara tunggu dr habis jumpa patient lain di klinik. Baringkan mak atas katil daripada duduk atas kerusi roda.

"Encik, mcm mana nak angkat katil ni?" Tanya saya pada seorang MA dlm bilik rawatan tu.

Lepas mak dah settle baring, saya keluar tunggu kat kerusi luar dgn ayah.

Lepas beberapa minit, sempat la habiskan air kotak longan (salah beli, ingatkan laici huhuhu), doktor pun keluar dari klinik dia menuju ke treatment room. I smiled at him, and terus dr panggil "come, come, follow me" ikut dr masuk bilik tu. Sambil tu dr tanya2 khabar mak, how's she doing? I said, oh..she's doing good!

Sambil dr tgk site of incision sambil dr cakap it's good bla bla (sbb dry, no discharge, no bleeding). Alhamdulillah. Cakap2 pasal mak dgn dr, dan mak pun tanya2 pasal kaki dia dekat dr. Dah habis, dr pun sambung kerja di klinik dia.

Sambil nk turunkan mak dari katil, nurse dan ma dlm bilik tu tanya2.

Encik MA: kerja dah ke? Kerja mana?

Terkejut gak bila dapat soalan mcm tu tiba2, sembang basa basi keluar la jugak pasal grad mana, kos apa, bla bla. Huhu. I never tell anyone in the room i am a med graduate, but somehow they managed to korek rahsia.

"Bukan apa, cara dia cakap dengan dr tadi lain. Tak macam sebelum2 ni. Sbb tu kami tanya."


I dont say that it is a kind of charm, but, what ever charm we possessed pun, kita tak perlu canang kan atau bagitau orang, sbb kalau ada apa2 charm, orang akan tahu juga...

And train dlm minda, we dont need special treatment. We are not vip even in our own way. Just be you, and people will know you eventually.


P/s (Sbb nya awal tu fefeeling bajet la jugak kan dah pi hosp private haha, lps tu bila receptionist tu tuttt aka bagi layanan tak best, mula la nk down. Ingat2 balik buku mark manson, okay, i dont need special treatment from anybody pun. If i'm worth for people to get to know me, they will know me. Hewhewhew.)

P/s 2. Do u know charmender? Hahaha

Wednesday, November 1, 2017


Nanti adik pergi sapa nak jaga mak macam ni?

Alaa anak2 mak kan ramai...semua orang pakat jaga
Mak jangan anggap ni adik yg jaga mak, ni Allah yg jaga mak...melalui adik
Adik takdak pun takpa la...Allah ada.

I once asked my mom, when i get old later who will take care of me?

My mom said, your children lah kan

I asked her, what if i dont have one? What if i dont get married?

She keep silent for a while, then she said to me: then you got to have the money...

Why? I wondered

Because you need plenty of money to hire the nurse/maid, she completed her answer to my question.

Sesungguhnya, dunia ini sifatnya sementara, segalanya akan berakhir, dan akhirat sebagai tempat kembali yang abadi adalah satu perkara yg benar.

So why bother? Semoga panjang umur murah rezeki dan hidup dlm manfaat dan rahmat Tuhan.

Sunday, October 29, 2017

Role reversal

- bismillah -

SubhanAllah. Alhamdulillah. Allahu akbar.

My life took another turn this week.

During the last few weeks i was very excited to begin my days as a fulltime housekeeper at my parents home. I even downloaded few apps about house cleaning, ie FlyHelper, Cleaning Checklist, and both apps had been were very helpful to keep me on track with cleaning schedule.

However, last week was a different twist of my daily story. My parent had underwent a total hip replacement surgery on her left hip, so i spent 6 days in the hospital with her until she was discharged. During the stay, my home cleaning schedule was left unattended (hey i dont even sleep at home for a night during the whole week). Instead, my daily routine had changed!

From just a housekeeper, i'm now a nurse (too).

I've never expected to have been given the chance to take care of my parents before. They have been taking care of me since i was inside my mother's womb! Now, the role is reverse where the child is now subjected to take care of the parent, just like how they were treated when they were young. Feed them, bath them, entertain them...etc

This is called role-reversal.

To be honest, it is hard. At one point, it is frightening, thinking what if i made mistakes in taking care of them, what if my decision will hurt them with me unknowingly think i had done the best for them...and to break down once in a while, and alternately be extremely happy and contented since i have taken care of them the best possible way (i think). It is hard too when you see them are not really capable of doing things they used to like or find it easy/enjoying, but now no longer seems to be like that.

5 minutes in the toilet crying, or doing some morning rituals, or even writing reflective post like this at the end of the day, are enough to vent down the stress. Spend the rest of the day doing and serving your best to your beloved ones. That's how i keep myself going everyday.

And i believe to strengthen the faith in Allah and His help, is the ultimate key to keep being strong.

Because His rewards are more valuable and priceless than anything in the world,
Allah is sufficient for me.

May Allah keep me and my family under His blessings and guidances.


Sunday, October 22, 2017

Suri rumah me

- bismillah -


Tadi buat kerja umah. Cleaning. Baru sedar, tak pernah betul2 kemas rumah melainkan kalau nak raya. Raya = kemas rumah. Padahal, kemas rumah ni rutin dan keperluan.

Baru sedar jugak, tak pernah tolong mak kemas rumah pun sblum ni. Kemas pun bilik sendiri. Mungkin sbb mak dan ayah both sangat pengemas dan rajin (alhamdulillah), maka anaknya nih tak pernah buat kerja rumah. Debu pun tak pernah nampak, mcm mana nak kemas kan hahaha

Tapi, sekarang both my parents dah 5-series, ayah dah in his 60's. Diorang dah tak larat dah kemas rumah. Dulu balik kerja pun mak larat vacuum rumah. Weekend tak pernah keluar lepak mall ya, tapi kemas rumah ataupun bakar2 daun kering dekat laman rumah, tebang2 pokok, etc. They got so much works to do that i pernah tanya, mak ayah awat tak pernah take some time and just lazily sit in front of the tv for some movies? Hhhuhuhuhu.

And now, i just realised, banyakkkk sangat kerja nak buat dlm rumah nih. Never ending. Sapu, mop, vacuum x (kali) berapa ruang dlm rumah x frequency to maintain spic and span.

Sambil vacuum terfikir, kalau lah mcm ni punya banyak kerja nak buat, dalam dan luar rumah, manalah sempat nak fikir nak travel pi layan angin...huuuuuu.

I always want to go here and there most of the time, leaving my own world... So immature to flee while k have my commitment here.

Try cari cleaning schedule dekat pinterest. Huwaaaa. Banyak nya. Kalau tak buat, sapa lagi nak buat utk rumah kita?

We never had any maid.
And i respect my parents yg jaga rumah tanpa debu utk anak2 dan cucu2 (masa depa muda dan sihat dan kuat) - that i got allergy to almost anything haha sbb rumah bersih sangat - so why cant i do the same to them?

Kenalah jaga rumah utk mak ayah tinggal dgn selesa juga...

Boleh, farhana? :)

Monday, October 16, 2017

Serve the immediate community

- bismillah -

This morning, i went to a private hospital to accompany my mom. I met a passionate consultant who's seeing my mom for her treatment.

Somehow, he managed to find out that i am a medical graduate. We talked about my mom's case and he even taught me how to read the xray, reminded me of my doctors in the university. We discussed about the approach first and straight to the specific treatment afterwards.

Besides that, he also advised me about my current situation. He worried about the future of doctors working in the goverment since there are booms of medical graduates each year but insufficient places of practice. He even predicted that one day, in the future, the private hospitals would even have to accomodate housemen since the gov institutions are all fully occupied. In that case, if it is that to happen, the hos serving in private practice will have more advantages because they will be mentored directly by the consultants, not by just anyone...who are above the status of ho.

Only 50% of hos will become gov's mos in the future. Where would those another half have to go?

I have heard the same idea from a private GP previously. The concern that they both stressed out to me is that, dont depend solely on the gov. The medical graduates are increasing, teaching hospitals will run out of place of practice, the competitions will rise, shorter and inadequate exposures to the hos, and other complications of "being too many of junior doctors than the country can afford to train".

The private GP i met previously sent his son to study in the UK and later served in the Singapore. The consultant i met this morning questioned me why i dont go to the USA (take usmle). By working overseas, they said, that i can climb high and practice adequately. The gov's sector is not very promising.

I agreed with some of their points. I even felt a bit of regret for not studying for usmle while i was in medical school (like a bunch of my arab friends did, we malaysians just enjoy studying mbbs at our own pace huhu). And if i want to take the exams now, i dont think my saving can cover the cost. Next, after regretting why i dont study much, now i regret why i dont save much.

However, practically thinking, i think i have had it enough. I have studied full throttle as much as i can, the sufferings cant go beyond my control, and i had put aside some money from my loans enough to bring the money back to malaysia with 5 digits.

I do not regret anything.

Yes, going to uk or us or singapore seems very promising, one can climb the career ladder high, but i dont think that the path is for me. I am not ready to leave my immediate community behind (again) after living in the middle east for half a decade. There are too many things i have missed since i left malaysia. Especially my parents, their aging days, their disease development, their everyday life and everything. I just cant afford to handle all things in life alone in the other side of the continent anymore. It was very tiring to live and survive in a community who are not even close to us. Embracing all the (domestic, economic, social, spiritual, etc) challenges would be too much for me especially when i have to adapt to the stressing residency life later.

So, this is my path. Waiting for SPA, and go with the flow, just like the rest. I have to promise myself to strive and survive the path i have chosen. Everybody is the same, we are struggling for our own satisfaction. I think i will have to revise my values on life satisfaction.

It may be difficult, but my faith in His plan should be firm and I must trust Him. That what ever i do, what ever happens, is all in His control.

May He bless me with all the best things in the dunia and akhirat.

At night, coincidentally i watched an episode of a chinese drama:

"This is Dr He Jing, a post graduate doctor (resident). She worked in People's Hospital xxx (suburb). She has performed 1000 CS during her career. Has anyone (the directors who present) in this room is as experienced as her?" - Deputy Director Dr Qu Ming, from Obstetrician drama hehe.

He slammed all the arrogant directors who opposed He Jing's involvement in a special surgery since she was only a training resident who dont have a written qualifications and seniority.

Well, i learnt something from that point of view. If you are good enough, what more if you are exceptional, you can achieve your best performance just anywhere...

Hargailah pengalaman. Itulah anugerah dan kekayaan sebenar. Bukan pengiktirafan dan bukan gelaran.

Start humble, proceed high up staying humble.

Dicampak ke laut menjadi pulau, dicampak ke gunung menjadi lembah.

Berusaha utk memberi.

Sedaya upaya, tanpa melupakan Allah pemilik segala ketetapan dan keizinan.

Dapat posting di mana pun, semoga Allah izinkan yg terbaik. Permulaan dan pengakhiran yg diredhai.

Serve your immediate community.

Ada rezeki, serve beyond them.

Takkan ada kepuasan hati di dunia ini. Serve lah sampai syurga. Bukan berhenti bila dah dapat sesuatu, bukan berhenti bila masih tak dapat apa2.

Your satisfaction in your career, is only after you have achieved His blessings in Jannah.

Dont stop.
Dont lose the striving mode.

Strive! For His blessing.

Friday, October 13, 2017

A memorable friday

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah untuk hari ni. Jumaat yang mendung dan hujan.

Pagi2 lagi bangun lepas subuh mulanya golek2 atas katil tapi kemudian decide nak bangun pergi dapur. Bila ada determination maka langkah lebih mudah dan lebih celik haha.

Masuk dapur mula2 sekali selak langsir. Nampak sunrise depan rumah di sebalik bukit. Ma shaa Allah. Dapur mcm dimly lit in natural light. Awww mcm nak spend time minum panas sambil tgk sunrise. Tp sebab nak bancuh air xnampak, terpaksa la buka jugak lampu.

Sambil minum (hari ni selera white coffee) sambil tengok sunrise. Lampu off course dah padam selepas siap bancuh air. Suasana makin cerah. Sambil duduk di meja makan yang menghadap matahari, sambil belek buku resepi. Hirup white coffee. #perfectmorninggituwww

Dah tgk buku resepi, pagi2 pulak tu, rasa banyakkk benda nak cuba buat. So by end of my cup of coffee, dah siap dua grocery list yang panjang, satu list utk nat (pasar pagi), satu list utk pasaraya (ke giant kah kita).

Pukul 8 pagi keluar sekejap naik kancil dengan mak dan ayah pergi beli nasi lemak dan kuih muih. Haha. Hari ni sengaja tak goreng nasi macam hari2 lain. Lagipun sepanjang minggu nih tak keluar beli makanan waktu pagi sekali pun lagi. Hari2 makan nasi goreng hehe.

Lepas makan sarapan keluar pulak ke nat. Alhamdulillah. By the time habis beli, sempat masuk ke dlm kereta sbelum hujan turun lebat. Penattt berkejar dlm rintik2 tu. Ayah took some time before his breath becomes normal 😂 tersandar kejap baru boleh start kereta. Sempat beli ayam kampung, ayam bandar haha, sayur, pisang, buah mata kucinggg.

Lepas tu pergi giant. Mak dan ayah tunggu dlm kereta. Me, went alone inside with my longgg grocery list.

Kesian jugak mak ayah tapi nak buat mcm mana. Mungkin lps2 ni kena drive snediri.

Dlm giant pagi jumaat tak ramai orang. Jumpa baking pan promo murah gill, and completed my list in 1 hour. Huhu. or more. Tp overall process was smooth, barang dlm troli dah susun ikut sejuk, basah, tin, serbuk, kaca, keras, lembik etc so bila cashier scan everything boleh masuk ikut group plastik yg sama dgn cepat.

Tapi ada satu pack blueberi yg saya lupa nk scan. No, ingatkan tak perlu timbang sbb harga jual per pack bukan per kilo. Cashier plak takda barcode. Urmmmmmm. Patah balik ke tempat org timbang, mak ai queue panjanggggg. Tapi alhamdulillah ada ilham (baca: lifehack) saya pergi amik gambar barcode dan harga (lgpun jual per pack bukan per kilo so tayah timbang). And patah balik ke cashier dengan muka bangga kasi phone dekat dia. Haha.

Balik umah around 1130am dah. Ttba lapar, masak aglio olio spagetti sbb udang dah ready yg haritu dlm peti ais. Ayam beli nat tadi dah selamat masuk dlm freezer. Haha. Nampaknya menu tengah hari di anjak ke dinner. Tgh hari makan spagetti yg tak dirancang...dah tu ja yg cepat.

Lps solat zohor, pkul 230pm barulah mula masak barang2 yg beli tadi. Menu nasi hujan panas, ayam masak merah dan acar timun. Alhamdulillah. Pukul 5pm lepas org azan asar baru habis masak ayam dan nasi. Pinggang, tumit, lutut semua rasa nak tercabut dah. Berhenti masak pi smayang dulu. Tanya mak dan ayah depa kata taknak makan lagi.

Ayah baring kejap sejak petang sbb sakit belakang. Mak pun tak larat. Ada wafa utk ceriakan depa.
I enjoying my time dekat dapur. Sampai rasa energy drained. Padahal masak ja pun. Myb tak benti berjalan/berdiri dari pagi. Dah siap masak sekali basuh2 periuk.

Senja tu, dalam keadaan mengantuk, letih, tak larat tu, barulah duduk di meja utk potong sayur buat acar. Timun, carrot, bawang. Potong slow2, taking my time sbb confirm makan lps maghrib nanti and bukan sekarang. Siap gaul garam, gula dan cuka, simpan dlm peti sejuk.

Azan maghrib, solat, finally makan time! Dah siap reheat, hidang, tapi...

Kena tukar pampers wafa plak. Selalunya tokwan yg handle bab2 nih, tapi hari ni tokwan sakit...huhuhu maka maksu lah take over.

It was my first time basuh kencing budak. Urmmmmmmm. Haha. Demi cintaku pada ibu ayah haha.

Then barulah boleh duduk dan makan. Finally!

Alhamdulillah. Nasi elok sukatan air so boleh makan, ayam masak penuh tak mentah mcm kedai kadang tu haha, acar pun sempat sejuk dan meresap. Overall i am happy i can serve my family dinner. Alhamdulillah.

Lps makan tu, terus ada tenaga haha. Recharged. Basuh pinggan, lap dapur (sebab ayah baru cuci semalam so hari ni banyak mercik minyak masa buat ayam masak merah tadi, kesian kat ayah), tonyoh sinki, wipe counters, alhamdulillah...very fulfilling. Macam dah hilang fatigue tadi.

Sambil tu masak air panas, buat teh utk diri sendiri. Abang sekeluarga baru sampai utk tidur di rumah sini weekend nih. Alhamdulillah, hari ni mak mmg suruh masak lebih utk abang balik anak beranak makan sama.

Lepas layan teh panas, minum kopi pula dgn mak dan ayah di depan tv. Alhamdulillah for this chance.

Duduk sekejap di ruang tamu, baca buku abc dengan wafa. Main belon etc.

Pukul 1130pm mula tulis post nih.
Now ending at 1248am saturday. Alhamdulillah for this one of my most memorable fridays.

May Allah bless me and my family. Amiin.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Reflection: candle light dinner

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah, hari ni (Jumaat) hujan.

Petang tadi takda letrik kejap sampai waktu maghrib. Maka kami sekeluarga pun makan malam diterangi cahaya lampu. Candlelight dinner. Haha.

Nasi dah dimasak oleh mak atas dapur gas, tinggal nak panaskan lauk yg beli tengah hari tapi masih dalam plastik. Bila tak boleh guna microwave, susah nya lahai nak reheat. Satu-satu lauk dibuka dari dalam plastik masuk ke periuk utk dipanaskan. Bila dah siap panas, tuang masuk ke dalam mangkuk hidang. Sejukkan periuk, basuh mesti bersabun pula, kan kuah berminyak. Ulang proses ini sebanyak 3-4 jenis lauk huhuhu.

Jika ada letrik, tuang lauk masuk dlm mangkuk, masuk dlm microwave, siap dihidang!

Itulah kemudahan yang tak pernah disyukuri sebelum ni...huhu. bila tak ada letrik baru nak sedar.

Ada lauk kerabu satu bungkus, jadi selamat...tak perlu panaskan.

Sewaktu lauk ketiga tgh dipanaskan atas dapur, tiba2 api padam...


Gas habis!


Letrik tak ada, gas tak ada, dari mana nak dapatkan sumber haba?

Luckily, itu lauk terakhir yg perlu dipanaskan...

Siap hidang semua, makanlah kami sekeluarga + keluarga abang hidangan makan malam yang panas dlm cahaya lilin. Alhamdulillah. Seadanya. Secukupnya.

Abang kata, lama tak makan macam ni...

Dulu2 masa sebelum kakak dan abang ada keluarga sendiri, kami berlima anak beranak tinggal serumah kerap juga tak ada letrik. Maka semua orang akan kumpul setempat, pasang lilin dekat ruang tamu selalunya, dan akan buat aktiviti masing2 di atas sofa masing2. Seorang di hujung sana mengipas2 dengan surat khabar (kakak), yg di sini pasang radio perlis utk dengar apa2 berita semasa (abang), ada yang bising2 gatal berpeluh ataupun buat2 tidur (adik), cakap telefon tanya rumah2 yang lain (mak), bawa torchlight ronda dalam rumah pergi tutup kotak suis utama dan kadang luar rumah utk tengok lampu jalan sama ada menyala atau tak (ayah)...dan itulah rutin dulu2 berlima...sekarang pun lebih kurang role masing2
..cuma tambah kemeriahan cucu2 main dlm gelap...

Ayah pula kata lepas makan malam tadi, zaman dulu2 pakai lampu pelita minyak gas saja, tak ada letrik. Tapi dunia tak rasa sempit pun.

Kecukupan tu ada. Sense of adequacy. Feeling contented.

Jadi, sekali sekala, kena selami hidup yang 'serba kekurangan'. Nampak saja mcm ada yang kurang, tapi jika boleh latih diri utk bersyukur dan rasa cukup, maka keadaan 'serba kekurangan' itu adalah ruang yang memberi 'kekayaan jiwa'.

So, when is the 'poor' moment that gives you the rich feeling? :)

Less is more, indeed.

P.s. tapi lepas makan tadi tak ada minum kopi lah sebab nak jimat air panas dlm flask. Kehkeh.

Thursday, September 28, 2017


- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Still breathing and alive.

I'm sorry about my previous post, it was full of frustration with the underlying health problem.

Currently i still have no idea what should i be doing now. Sounds very unproductive of me right?

Yeah. It has been about 4 months since i made any achievement.

How frustrating is that?

Anyway, alhamdulillah. I started to count my blessing, especially the one i think it may be simple or small.

Breathing, shelter, food, family, health ...

Those small mundane blessings are indeed significant.
To my faith, to my motivation.
Allah has said that, if we are grateful He will surely add some more.

Well, dont take things for granted.

And let us train our mind, that
We express our thanks and gratefulness to Allah, is part of our duty, our ibadah, not merely wanting to add some more (eventho we cant deny the wants).

We are all His servants, remember? Of course it is fine to seek Him whenever we need and feeling inadequate. Seek only Him.

May Allah grant me and you the sustenance and the sufficient feeling.

P.s. i feel all alone currently even in the presence of my loved ones.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

Random dreams

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Allah izin masuk ke tahun baru hijrah.

To cut short, here is my list of dreams yang worth dreaming...nak capai ke tak tu, rezeki.

1) mongolia / central asia -stan2 punya negara
2) makan samyang

Hehe. Sebagaimana nak pergi mongolia / central asia trip tu mahal?...macam tak mampu je?...mcm kena usaha lebih je?...mcm xdak sapa nak teman ja?

Begitulah juga samyang.

Teringin. Orang viral sana sini. Kawan siap buat stok, buat bisnes masa kat jordan, tapi aku tak pernah try.

Macam nk pergi mongolia, padang rumput, camping bawah langit, duduk dlm tent, naik pony?, atau turkmenistan, kazahkstan, uzbekistan (told u all -stan2 countries) byk architecture yg luar alam, kesan2 sejarah silk route, etc,

Rasa teringin...

Mcm tu lah jugak rasa nk makan samyang.

Tapi, tahu x, sejak balik gerd datang balik lately. Bloating, heartburn, pakej diarhea vomiting demam myalgia athralgia bagai....sebab tak jaga makan. Sebab makan sukahati.

Nasi lemak (sambal) setiap pagi.
Gulai. Kari.

Dan milo.

Kat jordan tak ada milo. (Ada galaxy, mars, snickers, cadburry choc drink ahaha)

Semua makanan tu bila masuk perut, dia berperang.

And tambah factor tido suka hati tanpa bantal tinggi masa kat umah.

Samyang is just a dream. That is too good to be true. Kalau dapat pun, it hurts me.

To all GERD or GORD sufferers - cum survivors - out there, plus lactose intolerance if any, i need your motivation to live with strong gut.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

Bahang september 2011

- bismillah -

Baru baca bab 1 buku puan Roza Roslan, travelog kehidupan abadi. Bab 1 beliau cerita pasal kali pertama jejak ke luar negara. Entri beliau tajuknya mulut berasap.

Amazing. Beliau ceritakan yg beliau pernah doa nak sampai ke luar negara, even to the extent that kalau beliau sendiri xleh, moga2 boleh pergi dengan jodoh. Woah. What an amazing determination she had!

And Allah kabulkan doa beliau :)

When she captured her first memory upon landing in scotland, it seemed fresh and wonderful. Making me to think, why shouldnt i write mine too? As a form of fresh and wonderful memory...

Masa pertama kali ke luar negara, naik flight MAS, chartered, sewa khas untuk hantar pelajar tajaan JPA ke Amman dan Cairo. The flight was filled with smartly dressed us in suits, with blazer and white shirt and scarf. Pheww. Semua orang waktu itu mungkin mata berkaca2, bawa sinar dan semangat nak hidup di tempat baru - luar negara, yang dah jadi impian sejak sekolah - dan ada juga yang bersinar mata berkaca sebab sedih tinggalkan kampung halaman. Haha.

Waktu tu, saya sikit pun tak menangis. Semasa lambai keluarga di KLIA pun saya tak sedih. Yang saya tahu, i am going to jordan! I'm going to oversea! Dah nak flyyyyyy

While my mom dah berair air mata, sedu sedan. Kakak pegang satu beg plastik yang ada lebihan baju, sebab beg kargo untuk chartered flight ni tak boleh lebih 25kg. Yeah, memang tak cukup lah untuk sara hidup bertahun2 urmmm. Bayar utk 5 extra kilo for 3kg, selebihnya buka beg dekat airport dan buang (bawa balik umah ler).

Tapi walau ada masalah macam tu pun, saya masih tak sedih! Hehe.

Cumanya, bila dah turun ekskalator untuk ke kaunter imigresen, saya dongakkan kepala mencari mereka. Nampak mak yg tgh sedih, nampak ayah yang cool, kakak yang tgh amik gambar, abang yang sengih melambai....sambil menurun tangga tu, masa tu rasa sayu. No, i cant show them my sadness or worry, saya kata dalam hati. Bila dah cop imigresen, terus ke polis/kastam pula untuk cek barang.

Rupa2nya, itulah kali pertama dan terakhir cop...(sebab lepas tu pergi balik pakai autogate haha). Tahun 2011.

Bila dah masuk flight, saya dapat seat tepi tingkap, seat berdua. Tapi memandangkan masa tu semua stok alim baru lepas sekolah menengah, saya pun tukarlah tempat untuk duduk sebelah perempuan. Urmmmm. Duduk di tengah. Seat berempat. Sebelah kanan perempuan, rupanya sebelah kiri lelaki jugak. -_-

Duduklah dengan tak bergerak banyak sangat selama 10 jam (xingat). Teruja dengan meal course yang banyak atas flight, peramugari yang baik layan adik2, everything is fine. Alhamdulillah.

Bila dah dekat nak sampai, langit dah tak biru sangat. Awan putih pun tak nampak. Tapi macam kelabu, kuning2, mcm dalam udara berpasir.

Tengok bawah rupanya padang pasir! Boleh nampak sebab meninjau dari kejauhan walaupun duduk seat tengah.

Dah dekat nak landing, rasa macam takut, berdebar. Tiba2 ada kawan tepi tingkap cakap, "eh, tu unta tengah berlari!" "Weh aku nampak kaktus!" Hahahaha. Mula2 macam nak percaya. Tapi bila fikir balik, mana nak nampak sebab tinggi lagiiiii hahaha. Semua orang gelak. Hilang takut nak landing.

Dan kami pun selamat landing. Turun flight dengan tangga masuk ke dalam bas yany sedang tunggu untuk bawa ke terminal. Serius, airport QAIA masa tu macam cerita james bond pergi padang pasir.

Dalam bas tu, semua orang muka happy. Ada yang tangkap gambar, ada yang ambil video. Ada sorang kawan siap buat seolah dokumentari. Jokes mereka sedikit sebanyak menghilangkan rasa debar dalam dada.

So, airport tu bangunan coklat, tak ada cat, ada lubang2 ventilation. Macam istana lama binaan konsep mediavel. Semua orang pergi solat dulu. Surau dia masa tu, urmmmm. Tak ada pintu, hanya sebuah bilik berkarpet yang mashem dan dilapisi tirai putih yang tak bersih. Toilet? Pakai kendi aladin untuk tadah air paip. Getah paip? Apa tu? Boleh makan?

Baunya usah ditanya.

Masa tu, reflect kejap. Macam ni ker jordan? Airport buruk yang amat.

Rupanya, itulah kali pertama dan terakhir....
(lepas tu kerajaan jordan buat airport baru! Siap jadi airport terbaik di middle east sebelum airport qatar amik alih haha. Design QAIA sama macam KLIA. haha)

So tak ada dah la airport zaman koboi untuk sambut adik2 yang baru datang lepas batch kami.

Keluar dari airport, naik bas, dari airport ke Irbid ambik masa yang panjang. 3 jam. Cuaca panas. Bahang. Hangat. It's summer in Jordan at that time. Temp mungkin above 30 degrees. Kakak2 dan abang2 senior cakap taklimat sikit, beri air dan makanan, lalu kami semua pun tidur kepenatan...

Thursday, September 14, 2017


- bismillah -

Reading and writing have been forms of escapism for me.

I read and spend my whole afternoon reading in the school library every school days because i can only go home after my parents call it an end to their day at work.

I write a lot of blogposts when i have coming exams around the corner.

My journal is most useful and tediously filled when i have the most hectic week or month.

I splurge on books when i worried i may not do something useful while waiting for job placement.

And whenever something i dont like happenned, i spend the rest of my day locked in my room, reading any books i found on the table, or finished my current reading.. and the longer the resentment the more i can just finish the book i read in just a session.

I even wrote this post as my escapism over what happened outside my room.

Ignoring the hunger and thirst, reading and writing make me full and come to my sense again. I cant control what is happening around me, but i can choose my action and take responsibilty upon it.

I choose to escape, i gained peace of mind and pretending to not have some harsh realities or adversities in life, and i will have to bear the consequence of unsolved problems that may arise...

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Dandelion 3

Sebagaimana ku mengharapkan dosa2 ku terhapus, pergi tanpa kembali.

Sebagaimana ku mengharapkan apa yang ku telah rugi hari ini akan menumbuhkan untung pada hari esok.

Sebagaimana debunga dandelion diterbangkan angin.

Thursday, September 7, 2017

i forgive me 2

- bismillah -

New update from the previous post.

[07/09 21:10] ‪
+60 1x-711xxxx‬: Ok sure

[07/09 21:10]
‪+60 1x-711xxxx‬: It's ok

I swear that this is the best reply i've ever get.


Farhana, the next time somebody else does ask for you forgiveness or did a careless mistake to you,

Please consider how you reply them. Pls consider to be okay with people admitting their mistake.

Because you have received the chance once, and you should always return the favor, even if it is to somebody else.

Haaaa. Now i can sleep well.

i forgive me

- bismillah -

I made a mistake. Or maybe more than one.

I didnt feel good about it. I kept quiet the whole evening. I let the time passed just by playing a drawing game on the phone.

I flee from the problem.

I bought 9 new books at 50% discounts online.

But it still didnt make me feel good. The game couldnt make me feel good. The books arent here yet. Simply denying, and, running away from the consequences of making mistake, are mistakes too.

I just make another wrong steps above the damage done.


Until i took some time to reflect.

I have to face it. I have to admit my mistake, and deal with the aftermatch.

I took my phone, and assertively send message to the person involved. I told her about it.

And i feel good now.

Even without receiving any reply nor bluetick yet.

I have released it, the regret and frustration. I allowed my self to make mistake and admit it. And i hope, sending her the message is one of the big step of the value of responsibility.

I hope, i can be more responsible next time.

This is a lesson about time management, determination, assertiveness, and giving myself chance to make mistake, that i learnt the unexpected way, with money, chance and trust.

It is okay.

But i must improve.

And more self reflects.

The mistake is not okay, but nobody is okay all the time, no?

Since it's not okay, that a mistake is always a mistake, i have to forgive myself. Forgive, not denying it.

Have you make a serious mistake before and ran away from it?
Well, has it been solved now? Huhu.
Solve it today, it gives you long term happiness and freedom, not just like what you feel after winning a mobile game.

"Happiness is a problem." - Mark Manson

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

3 months after graduation

- bismillah -

It's been september 4th today. Roughly saying, 3 months had passed since i finished med school.

What have i been doing in the past 3 months up till now? Basically i am doing nothing. Haha. By "doing nothing" it means i am currently:
1) a gardener
2) a housekeeper
3) a cook
4) a nanny
at my home with parents.

It's sad to see my parents have aged so much within the past 6 years since i left home for my study in jordan. Eventho i went home (almost) every holiday, living day by day with them now is different. I get to see them 24/7, of which during their energetic morning routine, seeing them nap in the afternoon, or sometimes reciting Quran together, watching wrinkles and moles that seemed to increase as their age...till sleeping by their side, hearing tiny tired snores after falling asleep while watching tv in the family area.

I enjoy cooking now that it seems that my parents appreciate my efforts and helping me with mentoring and advising around. I love the feeling when we gather to eat together for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snack times...etc. alhamdulillah.

A gardener me? Well, it is not easy for the start. But my parents keep reminding me to water plants everyday until i happened to remember it (and willing to do it :p) on my own. It's disturbing to see my father in his 60's wrecking his energy to carry a pail of water to water the plants that cant be reach with the hose.

A nanny me started with caring for my 4 y/o niece when her parents off to work and her taska happened to be involved in some kind of flu endemic. Playing and feeding her everyday. Assessing her developmental milestones (a doctor maksu), and become strict enough to decrease screen-time / screen-exposure activities, that i need to cramp my head thinking how to not lead a boring day for toddler like her without youtube. I improved at introducing her "breakfast, lunch and dinner", table ethiquette hahaha, she eats more now not just on milk like before, but i struggle until now to have courage to potty train her. Wrong. To have courage to change her diapers. Well, dont ask me anything else. Every parent has done their best for their child, in their own ways. We better never complaint about others.

I wish to capture every moment spent with my parents, especially while i hold no commitment yet in the hospital, my soon 2nd home biiznillah.

Anyway, i managed to travel to Langkawi, KL, Singapore, Terengganu and Thailand within the past 3 months time. I never expect this!


While my friends choose to work and maybe have earned their paychecks for 3 months.

I choose to work here from home, with paycheck withhold until i claim all the rewards in akhirat. Amiin.

As long as we are firm and happy with our choice, everybody will enjoy their days without complaints.

I believe, doing some good things to our parents is one of Allah's blessing and mercy. Alhamdulillah.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

A day to remember

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Lps grad, bermula lah urusan nak mohon kerja.

Mula2 kena isi borang SPA, lapor diri dengan penaja, kemudian isi borang MMC utk mintak lesen nak kerja.

On 17/7/17, i went to KL with ayah all the way from Perlis. Sebab mak tak sihat, jadi mak stay dekat rumah saja, kami datang berdua. It was our first time taking ETS, and ayah was excited that he didnt sleep at all during the 5-hour journey.

We accidentally bought 2 tickets at  discounted rates (it was supposed to be only for my father's ticket to receive pensioner rebate but i got one too with the same rate). So we went to the counter (bought online in the first place) and asked for an exchange but the crew said that we had to fill a form for refund. My sister said that it's useless to refund because she said the company never (seemed not) entertain her requests of refund before, so she advised us to buy a new one instead.

Well, we ended up taking the train with 3 seats for 2. Eventhough we have to pay more, and it was not neccessary that they will check the rate :p, but this decision to buy a new ticket had save us from anxious feeling and guilt for 5-hour journey. In short, we had paid another RM98 to buy piece of mind.

Hurmm.Takut gak tiba2 dia cek pasai pa tiket RM53 ja utk budak ni 😅 pencen kot celah mana...pangg cop penipu. Nauzubillah min zalik.

P/s well, it is hard to write again after you've stopped for a while.

Monday, July 31, 2017

future doctor and marriage

- bismillah -

"Being a physician is a marital stressor."
Either not getting/giving appropriate support needed, it depressed you. or lucky to have ones but later losing (death of) the loved ones, making one to risk for depression too.
Ever wonder why there are multiple verses in Quran mentioning about hazan? That Allah says one of the rewards of being His good faithful servant is that you shall not be sad? (Only Allah know the real meaning of 'sadness' mentioned in quran. But our job is to pray that we dont get sad in the dunia nor the akhirat punya sadness). And why our beloved prophet Muhammad said his prayer everyday in the ma'thurat to seek refuge with Allah from sadness?
Because depression and sadness are real challenges in life. Real threats. To the health, faith, life... Of which we need the ultimate protection to begin with.
Anyway, this medical path is beautiful since it makes us to not love/enjoy/take for granted the dunya sooo much than the hereafter. Seeing defects and perfections of creations everyday, diseases and cures complementing one another, should soothe our wild soul yearning for freedom from scheduled fate, freedom from obeying our Creator. There are multiple ways to tame the naughty cheating lost souls from just wandering around.
Remember Him. Get attached with Him. The only way out during our ups and downs.
Advices to the current and future me, and around me.
16/5/17 Facebook post.

my opinion after reading the below article:

Doctors and Depression: Suffering in Silence

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Perempuan berkalung serban

- bismillah -

Because i believe marriage is about growing each other's potential,
Creating independence over dependence,
Tolerance, patience and loyalty,
This story is really my cuppa tea haha.

I admire how Khudori patiently and gently wait for his wife before they can be together. I think it was quite some time till she regained courage to start the relationship. His wife was apparently scared from her previous experience with her ruthless ex-husband. Khudori also dont rush about having children, of which totally opposite with the ex-husband.

A strong woman does not need to depend on men for her life to succeed, but to accept a man's love doesnt mean she is weak. - i dont remember the exact quote but these words are sent by Khudori to soften Annisa's heart to accept him as her husband.

And after a while, their relationship bloomed, her career has advanced, she thanked her husband for his endless support. She thanked him and said that she couldnt have achieved the current stage if it wasnt because of him, that she admitted that she need him to be by her side. In other words, she started to depend on him for his support and care. She said she couldnt afford to lose him anymore.

Khudori stopped her, and said that she shouldnt depend only on him. He acknowledged that her success was due to her efforts. And he apparently didnt want her to lose her independent trait!

Marriage shouldnt create dependency up to the level that one cannot live if their partner are not by their side anymore.

One day, Khudori got into a motorcycle crash and was hit by a passing car. Annisa was left widowed with their newborn.

I cried during the scene. How could she survived? Isnt it too much for her, since she was about to start a good relationship after suffering from abusive mariage previously.

But she is a strong woman, remember?
And her husband had never cause her to be solely dependent on him. She was sad but she could move on.

Because she believes that a strong woman should never depend solely on a man's shoulder.

This film is a critic about the old mindset and unneceesary labelling to gender roles. Men shouldnt help in the kitchen? Women should never voice her concern out? No way.

In the end, there was a symbolic scene where Annisa purposely threw away a piece of serban, left alone flown by the wind.
Guess the meaning?

Who says that she needs a serban to entangle her neck (steps) in her own life?

Freedom. Break free from gender dependency.

Sehingga aku kental seperti Annisa,
Sehingga ku ketemu persis Khudori,
Barulah menikah.

Monday, July 10, 2017


- bismillah -

Apa perasaan balik for good?

Tekak yang haus akan mencari air.

Hati yang gering, perlu disiram tarbiah.

Rindu nak berusrah 😥
Dulu2 kalau usrah xjalan, boleh buat usrah sendiri dgn kawan2 or adik2. Tapi Allah izin, usrah jalan setiap minggu sekali.

Semoga hati ini sentiasa condong pada mentari kebaikan.
Agar teduhnya dapat memayungi tanah,
Menumbuhkan pucuk baru.

Friday, June 30, 2017

My graduation day

- bismillah -

Yesterday was my bachelor degree's convocation day. Held at my university stadium, outdoor.

But i am here, in malaysia.

It was the second time that i didnt attend a graduation ceremony. I even missed my high school graduation day. Hehehe. The last time i attended a graduation ceremony (my own) was during preschool!

(*Attended sister's convo tho.)

Anyways, i dont have any regret. Because i have to turned down those two occasions out of family matters.

Alhamdulillah, family #no1.

Semoga Allah ganti yg lebih baik, graduation utk master plak. Amiin.

(within 10 tahun lagi AMIIN in shaa Allah)

Hehe. 2 tahun HO, 2 tahun MO, 4 tahun master...

Zzz indahnya memasang angan.

Dah la haritu sepupu sepapat dah bagi warning cakap HO ni fatrah yg teruk dan menguji ketahanan... (memang betul pun huhuhu)

Takpa, psychology cakap, kena ada aim lebih tinggi utk boleh pergi jauh daripada current condition. Tengok jauh supaya yg dekat nampak kecik. Kehkehkeh.

Btw, amazingly, semalam (hari convo) Allah izin pakai baju yg dah plan nak dipakai, and had photoshoot with mom and dad in the house compound. Background pokok kerkuk pun boleh hahaha.


Sebab dah set up mindset my degree ni is a journey, bukan destination. Kalau target amik degree sebab nak grad convo, mesti kecewa sbb xdpt attend. But then, i think i have appreciated all the moments during mbbs journey, that attending graduation ceremony is not the most  important agenda.


Dan lagi satu reasoning (baca: hikmah aka pujuk diri sendiri haha) xattend ialah...
Sejak dulu sebenarnya saya risau sbb nanti kena duduk ikut university number..which means, i will have to seat in between two men. Urm. Jarak tak kisah sebab kerusi masing2, tapi mcm mana nak selfieee hahahaha...

Jem. Blueberry.

Sunday, June 25, 2017

Selamat hari raya aidilfitri 1438H

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Tahun ni beraya di kampung halaman dengan mak dan ayah. Bertiga sahaja. Hehe.

Ok lah kadar kemeriahannya walaupun takda suara kanak2, malam raya pakai mask aloe vera dengan mak, pagi raya tolong cuci muka ayah dgn micellar water. Sambil sapu2 dengan kapas muka mereka berdua, rasa sayu pun ada.

Pagi tadi pergi masjid dengan ayah utk sembahyang raya. Salah satu quote khutbah yg menusuk kalbu, ialah,
"Antara tanda amalan seseorang dlm bulan ramadan itu diterima, ialah, lepas ramadan pun kita masih istiqamah berterusan dengan amalan itu..."

Contohnya baca quram, solat, jadi baik hati, bersedekah..dll.

Kalau kita masih sambung buat lagi amalan, alhamdulillah... Kalau malas tu, erm cepat2 rajinkan diri sebab tak nak pikir what if time ramadan ritu tak diterima? Nauzubillah min zalik.

Alhamdulillah, Allah izin grad sebelum raya. People congratulate me and my parents. Ada juga yg bagi warning, sebab HO-ship nanti susah. Huhu. Betul cakap beliau, tapi at least boleh jadikan kata2 beliau sebagai peringatan. Lagipun, peringatan kan bagus dan bermanfaat utk org mukmin? Semoga Allah golongkan dalam kalangan mukminin. Amiin.

Raya2 ni ramai yg kawen, dapat anak, etc. Hehe. Tak tipu, tapi mixed feeling jugaklah tengok newsfeed. Dalam flight naik balik raya ritu, ada baby nangis, budak2 menjerit bla bla, itupun saya dah rasa rimas. Hahaha. Mcm mana nak jadi mak orang wehhh. Anak saudara baru 3 orang pun dah bergegar rumah. Omaigod. So that fefeeling tak nak raya single, kita letak tepi dulu...raya single is better for me now...hehe.

Pagi raya sempat sembang dgn mak cik tepi masjid, mak kawan sekolah rendah merangkap jiran sekampung, dia kata dia duk sorang2 la bila my friend balik umah suaminya, tapi cepat2 makcik senyum, cakap, "TAKPA, ALLAH ADA..."

I think her words made my day. Pagi raya dah dapat taujihad hehe.

So farhana, takpa, Allah ada...

:) Jangan mixed feeling ok?

Selamat hari raya!

Monday, June 19, 2017

Catatan ramadan 1438H #4

- bismillah -

So, right there in front of the kaabah i was standing as a poor girl. No phone, no money, nothing. I only had a bottle of zam2 water in my hand and a plastic bag containing my shoes. And my watch. My specs too. The rest, are my soul and body.

I was standing poor in front of the kaabah,
For two hours.
The polices saw me crying,
The indons, the other pilgrims.
Luckily it was a normal reaction,
Thousands people have been crying in front of the kaabah.

I was standing poor in front of the kaabah,
I cannot do the prayers,
I even hesitate to sit.
Because after tawaf wida3,
The last tawaf one should do before going home,
Nobody can do anything else,
But go home.
But there, i was standing poor in front of the kaabah.

My mind started to speak,
I remembered how Allah reminds us about how poor we are,
يا ايّها النّاس انتم الفقراء الى الله،
Yet, we have always think we have everything in this life.
No, we need Him for everything.

There, in front of the kaabah, i was standing poor.
My hips screaming in ache for standing.
Has it been an hour has passed?
It feels long, i mumbled.

I was standing poor in front of the kaabah,
Thinking about borrowing money from any malaysian i see.
To take a taxi back to hotel.
I can do the bank transfer later.
I can do this and that,
Thinking and planning,
But i dont have the courage to ask one for some money.
Can you?

I was sitting - tired of standing - poor in front of the kaabah,
No money, nor have nothing.
Thinking that it's okay - i have water with me, i can survive for 3 days with water only,
When an indon lady came and greeted me,
Her finger pointing towards my bottle.
She had some of the water,
For wuduk.
I think i was poor, i then think i am rich.
Water is lessen then, i am poor.

I was sitting as a poor figure in front of the kaabah,
Witnessing the birds' silhouette against the dimly light sky.
Sunrise is already there,
But the sunshine has just started to hit the first corner of kaabah,
Reflecting the gold writings of arabic calligraphy.
Allah said,
ومن يعظّم شعاءر الله فإنّه من تقوى القلوب.
The kaabah is about 2-storey tall,
I can see lines of blocks underneath the kiswah.

I was sitting poor in front of kaabah,
Thinking about prophet Yunus,
When he was trapped,
In the darkness of a whale's gut.
لا الٰه الّا انت
سبحانك انّي كنت من الظالمين

I was sitting, thinking how to go to hotel with no money.
It has been late,
I need way out.
A promise has been breached, again, for the second time.
I was poor, i should never trust to His servant to the max.

I was sitting poor i front of the kaabah,
Waiting for somebody to fetch me.
Waiting and waiting.
Until i realised how poor i am to even be fetched.
I forget i was a poor young lady, not the rich awaited princess.

I was sitting poor in front of the kaabah,
Thinking about ways out.
ومن يتّق الله يجعل له مخرجا
فقلو استغفروا انّه كان غفّارا
استغفر الله
استغفر الله
استغفر الله

I was poor to trust His servant when i have Him above all,
I was poor to wait for any of His servants,
I was poor for thinking on my own,
I was poor of my body and soul,
Physically and mentally, i was insufficient.
I sat there, crying, waiting, thinking.
My back aching hard.

I was there, now standing, started to take walk to hotel shuttle busses.
I was poor, to remember only about promise that became lie,
"We would get to hotel together, i have no money with me",
That i forget about this free shuttle bus.
It took another millions steepy steps,
I passed to the opposite side of the kaabah,
Door side to the golden shower,
Taking steps towards my usual iktikaf place,
Mesmerising my favorite place.
There were still same people lying under the hiroms,
Just that no more poor little girl who joins them or sometimes sitting alone in the middle reciting quran.
I passed through the steepy hill,
Under 30-something degree of morning 8 am sun.
Found the bus, only the drive was inside.
I pray i wont be alone.
And later a family came in.

This is how i bade goodbye to the al-haram.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Catatan Ramadan 1438H #3

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Saya sudah kembali ke Malaysia. Bukan sebagai pelajar yg pulang bercuti, tapi pulang sebagai graduan perubatan. Alhamdulillah.

Hari2 akhir di Jordan, saya akui bahawa setiap kenangan adalah meruntun hati. Tapi Allah bantu wrap it all within a short time.

Lepas final exam, kemas2 rumah dan jual perabot.
Kemudian 10 hari ke saudi arabia. :)
Dan berbaki 4 hari akhir sebelum pulang ke malaysia.

Dlm masa 4 hari akhir,
Allah izin pergi JUST buat kali terakhir...

Bermula dengan naik koster dari zam2 ke syimali, naik sarfis, naik bas biru...

Penuh kenangan...
Kenangan terakhir...

Kemudian memori berjalan dari Gate besar hingga ke round about dan ke shuun tolabah / library.
Utk pulangkan jubah grad.
Masuk ke dewan tu, ada 3 pegawai. Sunyi sebab tak ada students lain waktu itu.
Saya dekati pegawai yg paling dekat dengan pintu, berurusan dengan beliau. Sambil itu, dewan yg saya sangkakan sunyi sepi itu, rupanya terhias dengan alunan Quran daripada rakan sekerja pakcik itu. Waktu itu, pkul 1-2 pm kot entah saya tak ingat. waktu bekerja pada bulan ramadan ialah 10am-3pm saja.

Indah. Biah islamiah dan solehah yg terpatri dalam kenangan saya pada warga JUST.

Kemudian berjalan menelusuri (cewah) jalan rumput hijau melalui heli deck.
Bunga berkembang.
Rumput hijau tebal.
Air sprinkler berpusing2 dari jauh.
Pokok pagar / hedge yg kemas.
I even took a video (instastory - tp lupa save hurm) dan pusing2 around.
These walking paths selalu jadi saksi saya balik petang2 jalan ke stesen bas.

I miss JUST.

Tak tidur sepanjang perjalanan balik sebab tgk pemandangan. Kambing biri2 tgh panas. Keldai. Rumput kuning. Pengembala yang melontar sesuatu di kejauhan. Khemah2 nomad badawi...

And hari berikutnya jalan ke hijazi, kawasan penempatan pelajar melayu. Mana nak cari jalan yg apabila bertembung, lelaki baik akan memberi kita laluan terlebih dahulu, atau berjalan selaju mungkin supaya tidak membontoti perempuan, akan menjauhkan tangan apabila berselisish, malah akan berhenti kadangnya.
(Disclaimer: lelaki baik saja. Lelaki jahat takda dlm tulisan ini, tak ada space utk menulis cerita mereka hurm)

Environment islam itu ada...masih terpelihara. Saya tak tahu bagaimana jordan selepas tahun2 berikutnya nanti...selepas terdedah kpd westernisasi atau asimilasi budaya barat...

Duwar jamiah yang tertulis ayat Quran, doa nabi ibrahim yg bermaksud,
Semoga Allah menjadikan negara ini aman...
Aku mengaminkan, sambil menahan sebak.
Doaku yg terakhir di bumi syams ini.

Dan hingga sampai ke rumah, setiap derapan kaki aku hayati...
Tapak2 terakhir di bumi syams...
Tanah para nabi dan sahabat2...

Hari berikutnya Allah izin berbuka puasa dengan adik beradik sejemaah. Hanya Allah yang tahu galau nya hati ini. Rawan. Gembira. Sedih. Mixed feeling. Makan sama2, makan sedap juadah masakan mereka sendiri, atas saprah plastik, habiskan setiap nasi selagi ada...berbual dan bertegur sala dengan adik2 bermata kaca, bertemu muka dengan mereka yang ikhlas menerimaku seadanya...yg sudi mendengar dan mendengarkan aku nasihat...
Ikatan yg berpaksi syurga in shaa Allah...
Sayang yg tak dapat dibendung,
Sayang pada mereka yg sampai aku mendoakan mereka mendapat pasangan soleh solehah kelak, kerana peranan mereka sangat diperlukan dlm islam sehingga moga2 tidak diuji dengan ujian rumah tangga..

Sayang pada semua hinggakan bahagia satu pihak ialah bahagia bersama...

ربّنا اغفر لنا ذنوبنا ولاخواننا الّذين سبقونا بالايمان
ولا تجعل في قلوبنا غلّا للّذين ءامنوا

Dan pada hari terakhirnya,
Van sewa khas ke airport melalui jalan short cut. Melalui eidun melepasi duwar nasim, lalu passing through hospital askari prince rashed. Hospital yg byk kenangan best. Dan jalan selepas tu yg merupakan jalan favorite saya, jalan tanah luas dan lapang, masuk kampung2 (balik utk tembus JUST), dan pakcik guna jalan sama utk lalu tembus lebuh raya yg lepas drpd JUST.

Jau latifff sangat hari tu...

Allah izin sempat down memory lane pada tempat2 penting.

Semoga segalanya berkat.

Thank you Allah for the best memory.
Thank you for the past 6 years, izinkan aku hidup dan bernafas di bumi syams.
Bumi malaikat menebarkan sayapnya.

Bumi barakah 4 musim, yg penuh tanda kekuasaan Tuhan, bumi yg bagi chance aku reflect banyak benda. Bumi yg sangat penuh cinta dan kasih sayang dari Mu.
Bumi aku lebih menghayati Quran. Bumi aku kenal qiyam shahr ramadan. Bumi ukhwah. Bumi doa. Bumi kebaikan...

Semoga diizinkan keberkatan atas segala sesuatu yg berlaku.
Semoga Allah terima segalanya.
Semoga 6 tahun bukanlah tempoh sia-sia.
Semoga 6 tahun masa mudaku di bumi syams diberkati, moga Allah izin jadi skrip jawapan utk soalan pada masa mudaku utk apa aku gunakan...

Sebagaimana 5 soalan wajib di hadapan Tuhan kelak...


Semoga aku ikhlas.
Semoga catatan takdir kebaikan sentiasa mengiringi.

Tuhan, masukkan aku ke tempat terbaik, dan keluarkan aku dari tempat terbaik. Kurniakan aku pertolongan utk setiap situasi. Masukkan aku dlm situasi yg terbaik utk imanku.
Turunkan aku di tempat terbaik, Engkaulah sebaik2 yg berkuasa menurunkan.



Catatan Ramadan 1438H #2

- bismillah -

Percayalah, pada setiap amalan, pastinya ada balasan, dan balasan daripada Tuhan adalah lebih baik daripada apa yang kita usahakan.

Seorang kakak usrah grad tahun lepas, Allah izin saya buat suatu hadiah utk beliau... DIY... walaupun serba kekurangan. Tapi saya memberikan sepenuh hati saya. Dengan izin Allah.

Siapa sangka, tahun berikutnya ketika saya pula grad, Allah berikan hadiah yang sama, hadiah yg mencerminkan keinginan hati saya, tapi adalah lebih baik daripada rupa DIY saya buat dulu...

Semoga diberkati.
Semoga bertambah kesyukuran.
Semoga amalan diterima Allah.

Allah maha berkuasa.
Allah maha penyayang.

Buatlah amalan / pekerjaan sepenuh hatimu, penuh cinta sepertimana atau lebih daripada cinta kepada diri sendiri,
Dan harapkan balasan daripada Allah.
Dan sesungguhnya, redeem our rewards dekat akhirat adalah lebih mengujakan!

Wise spending?

- bismillah -

Some of good conversations that happened during my flight back home of which i want to capture...

I sat beside a philliphine lady. She was very warm and nice. (Just now i remembered i havent eat the muffin she kept for me while i went to the toilet when the crews were busy distributing them).

"How often do you travel home while studying?" She asked.

I answered that, i go home almost each semester break, so about 9 times for the whole 6 years.

"Does your scholarship sponsored your tickets?"

I smiled. No of course not and i said to her that i get my tickets from my own savings. The scholarship does not have special allocation for personal travel.

"So, you are rich? Because you can travel a lot while studying?"

I laughed upon hearing this. No, i'm not rich, i just spend on other things less, but spend more on travel, i told her.

She smiled and said that i made a wise spending to spend more on travel.

*kembang kejap*

Wednesday, June 14, 2017


- bismillah -

Semalam saya mimpi. Huhuhuhu. Saya mimpi saya mengelat nak kahwin, lps tu kena marah sebab tak nak buka hati. Rasa macam threaten lepas ni dah tak ada chance dah. Scary jugaklah mimpi tu.

Ni sebabnya sblum tidur ada baca status fb seorang wanita yg diceraikan. Huhu. Sampai bawa masuk dalam mimpi.

Dulu waktu belajar, saya kata nk fikir pasal kahwin lepas habis belajar.

Tapi kenapa seru nk usaha tu tak sampai pun haha.

Saya bersyukur kenal kawan2 lelaki yg baik. Boleh minta tolong, boleh menolong. Tapi nk jadi pasangan hidup, tak jumpa lagi... atau dah jumpa tapi urm, bukan jodoh saya.

Saya tak nak orang yang ada list calon, kalau yg atas tolak, ada lagi calon yang boleh ditanya di bawah nama2 itu.

Saya, masih buntu dan keliru.

Sebab saya masih mencari apa yg saya mahu dalam hidup ini.

Mungkin saya memilih, tapi bukankah semua orang bermula dengan memilih?

Cuma saya mendoakan moga yang datang adalah pada masanya... Bukan waktu saya serabut dengan akademik/kerja, hinggakan saya terus melulu dalam tindakan.

Personaliti saya adalah perfect melancholy, yg sifat mereka suka bertangguh hingga dapat melakukan yg terbaik. Kalau buat sesuatu, buat betul2, sampaikan kalau fikir, akan mudah overthinking. Dan, orang berpersonaliti seperti ini, paling susah nak buat keputusan.

Jika ada dua baju yang saya berkenan, saya susah nak pilih salah satu, jadi akhirnya saya beli dua2. Atau, saya tinggalkan dua2.

Tapi saya tak nak lah sifat ini mengganggu urusan jodoh saya.

What i believe now, Allah dah tulis siapa, and i pray for the best way.

Kita akan bertemu, dan kita akan berpisah. Saya mendoakan perpisahan kita adalah kematian, bukan penceraian. Dan bertemu semula di syurga. Jika penceraian tertulis, maka moga di syurga kita tak saling bermusuhan.

I just want good things. Bertemu cara baik, berpisah cara baik.

Sungguh, saya tak sempurna. Tapi saya tak berputus asa utk kesempurnaan urusan yang dibawah aturan Tuhan.

Monday, June 12, 2017

bumi cinta yang dirindui

- bismillah -

dulu, saya pernah tulis ini... Catatan dari Makkah (tapi saya lupa plak sapakah kawan tu huhuh)

dan alhamdulillah, Allah hadiahkan kepada saya 12 hari berharga sepanjang ramadan 1438H ini, untuk pergi dan balik dari Tanah Haram.

Allah maha mengetahui.

saya cuba meminimumkan lompong2 yang akan meniriskan pahala keluar akibat daripada riak/ujub/media sosial.

tapi saya takkan pernah berhenti membuat catatan. bezanya, kali ini, catatan lebih bersifat peribadi. journal menggantikan handphone.


for everything.

sedikit aku melangkah, berlari Dia mendekat.

Allah maha agung. Allah maha suci.

aku mencintai Tuhanku.

aku minta kepada-Nya ending terbaik, dan begitulah terwujudnya kisahku pada hari akhir...
sesiapa yang membenarkan al-Quran, maka dia akan bertabaiyanu.

aku akan terus jatuh cinta pada segenap kebaikan.
semoga Tuhan ampunkan aku atas cinta-cinta ini.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017


- bismillah -

Hari ni jual semua perabot bilik tidur. Tinggal tilam dan bantal saja.

Rasa macam setinggan. Huhu.

Begitulah kitaran kehidupan. Kejap di atas, kejap di bawah.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Graduation story - Part 2

- bismillah -

For the whole few weeks before the first day of my final exam, i kept thinking, can i make it or not? Will i be graduating? What if things go wrong?

To be honest, there were two scenes played in my head, one is how to react, what status to post on fb etc if i cant make it. The other scene is vice versa.

Sampaikan, tahap fikir, isk, kalau aku tak lepas exam ni mungkin jadi macam cerita zaid akhtar, cerita kulit turqoise tu yg heroin nya tak lepas exam - without reason - rupanya ada banyak hikmah lain, one of them meeting her jodoh dekat mesir. Hehe. Waktu exam memang la fikiran menerawang sket.

Anyway, dengan izin Allah, Allah izin lepas exam. Alhamdulillah.

Ada kenangan study sambil tonyoh mata dan spec sebab hujannnn air mata. Macam2 la. Banyakkkk sangat dugaan dan distractions datang.

Tapi Allah masih pilih saya. Dicampakkan rasa takut dan risau dalam hati saya supaya saya tak over confident. Hehe.

Tapi benar, MBBS ini bukti bahawa 'aku tak mampu mendatangkan manfaat atau mudarat kepada diriku atau orang lain, melainkan hanya Allah yg berkuasa memberi kebaikan atau keburukan.'

Carry mark dah 'power' hehe, tapi with twist of fate, markah final semput juga. Anyways, semua tu Allah dah tulis awal2. Our job is to pray and study.

My MBBS journey, is solely His merciful blslessing. Semoga diberkati. Amiin.

Thursday, May 25, 2017

Alhamdulillah. Graduated. Part 1

- bismillah -

Allah izin lulus peperiksaan akhir MBBS pada 24/5/2017.
Perjalanan 6 tahun yg bermula pada September 2011.


MBBS ialah amanah baru. If ada orang collapsed, kena usaha selamatkan. A-B-C. Abc is easy, but ABC surely need practices, experience and skills, before ABC could be as easy as abc. So, take your everyday job as your toddler* steps towards good competent doctor.

*Since MBBS was a baby step...

Mana ada orang grad, dapat kerja terus terer.

Saya ada masa (mungkin) 6 bulan sebelum mula kerja, ataupun setahun, atau lebih. Senoga diberkati segala ilmu dan tak lupa.


Hari last exam tu, saya antara orang yang dapat giliran pertama. Jadi bila saya dah habis oral, masa turun lift rasa sangat happy! Happy sbb doa nak doctor terbaik dan doa moga saya tak sedih masa lepas jawab, doa moga semua soalan doktor saya dapat jawab...Allah makbulkan. Hari sebelum tu, saya keluar bilik exam sambil tahan nangis. Urmm. 

Tapi alhamdulillah hari last tu happy!
Allah izin doa dimakbulkan.

Sampai kubah (lobi hospital), ramai orang sudah berkumpul. Allah Allah... Akhirnya sampai juga aku kepada hari ini. Hari akhir... Hari last.
Selang beberapa minit, kawan2 batch dah berpesta. Dabkeh namanya. Tepuk2 tangan dan gendang2 sket. Menari2 dlm bulatan (wonder mungkinkah ini budaya tinggalan masyarakat rom waktu menjajah ke sini dulu hehe). Semua bagai merayakan hari kemenangan!
Saya berdiri di tingkat 1 lobi sambil ambik video. Hehe perempuan tak join ye menari2 tu.

At the end, diorang lambung2 kawan2 mereka.
Hanya kawan yang betul2 kawan ja akan mampu sambut sebab lambung memang berpusing tinggi..tawakkal ja lah kot orang yg dilambung tu.

My own kenangan di surau paediatrics...
Hanya Allah yang tahu. First time, i feel that i was extremely happy and thankful that He made me reach the end with happy heart. Alhamdulillah. Allah bagi apa saja kepada siapa yang Dia kehendaki.

Semoga di akhirat nanti Allah izin menjadi orang yg extremely happy sebab berjumpa dengan Allah. Orang yang datang dengan hati salim.

Sebab saya tak suka perasaan galau lepas keluar bilik exam sebab soalan tak tahu jawab.

Sebenarnya waktu exam last tu pun ada soalan tak reti jawab. Tapi ajaibnya kuasa Tuhan, kuasa doa, maka Allah titipkan rasa lapang hati. Malah doktor siap ajar sikit sebab apa begitu begini bila dah tak leh jawab. Hehe. Terima kasih dr dari JU dan doc AD. You are the answers for my prayers.

Beautiful memories carved at the end of my MBBS journey. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Semoga, pengakhiran kehidupan ini adalah kebaikan juga.

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Last day MBBS

- bismillah -


Tadi viva internal medicine. Allah izin tajuk yang boleh tackle, walaupun saya lah paling diam waktu study group, paling clueless, paling rasa tak cukup pun preparation. Alhamdulillah, Allah izin doktor yg paling lembut, dr yg latifff, dr yg ajar pasal fiqh masa saya tahun 4, dr yg involve dlm persatuan doktor2 islam...dr Ammar D. May Allah bless him.

Pls close the door..Allah yardho annik.

Aku aminkan kata2 guruku ini.

Allah Allah...

Hanya redhaMu aku tagihkan...

Semoga beroleh result terbaik, yg Allah redha dan berkat.

Bismillah. Tawakkal ala Allah.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Viva paed

- bismillah -

رب احكم بالحق وربّنا الرّحمان المستعان على ما تصفون

إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَرِيقٌ مِّنْ عِبَادِي يَقُولُونَ رَبَّنَا آمَنَّا فَاغْفِرْ لَنَا وَارْحَمْنَا وَأَنتَ خَيْرُ الرَّاحِمِينَ

Semoga Allah ampunkan saya. Tak tahu mcm mana nk transfuse blood.

Sebenarnya, 5 ml / kg / h. Sila study guidelines sebelum benar2 grad. Amanah ilmu.

Alhamdulillah, Allah izin soalan ini tadi. Or else, i will make my paed patients overload.

Semoga ada hikmah di sebalik perkara ini.
Semoga terbuka lebih banyak pintu2 hikmah.

Semoga dr tak kecewa, semoga dapat menjadi anak murid dr yg memberi saham kepadanya hingga akhirat. Amiin.

Monday, May 22, 2017

2nd Viva

- bismillah -

It has been 2 days since the start of my final viva. Surgery, and O&G. Coming up Paeds and Int Med in shaa Allah.

I want to remind myself:
Pls treasure these moments. The time when you are in need of Allah the most. The time that you realise you have nothing but to rely on and only for His mercy.

The phase of life when you appreciate every past moments filled with good things. And myb the phase when you regret and repent over things in the past.

He is the most merciful.

Allah is very near to us. We are in need of Him for our life, and hereafter.

P/s dr zuhair asked me, which specialty i want to pursue? Determined, i answered internal medicine. An answer that i never thought i would say it.

Thanks to Him. His mercy guided me to 'get' elective course in internal med, that i think i lose my love to paediatrics.

Anyways, loving the children and the elders are sacred act in Islam that even our Prophet said once in hadith that, those who dont care for the children and the elders are not considered among us (muslims).

May Allah show mercy to all of us, guide us in our life, for the best of the bounties in life & hereafter.


Friday, May 19, 2017

zig zag kehidupan

- bismillah -

1. Ketika masuk ke dewan exam, terdengar perbualan kawan2. Kata A, dia tak study pun. Lagipun exam kali ini ialah subjek rotation terakhir.
Waktu saya tengah dengar tu, saya tengah berkerut2 baca nota.

2. Hari ni dean post dalam group student, lepas meeting deanship, ada surat penganugerahan MBBS - ijazah kehormat - kepada seorang pelajar tahun 4... yang baru meninggal.

Both situations tell me something.

Siapa kita di hadapan Tuhan adalah segala-galanya...

Dunia ini penuh tipu daya.

Anything can just happen.

Jalan yang sama, tapi setiap kaki menapak pada titik berbeza, membawa hati yang berbeza, menuju ke titik yang berbeza pula.

3. Tadi berpeluang jumpa kakak senior yang dihormati, beliau singgah ke irbid dengan family. Dah lama saya tak buat sesuatu perkara ikut kata hati. Nekad. Pergi ziarah walaupun semua orang tengah tense nak prepare untuk exam. Allah helps me, eases me. Lama dah tak pray along walking. Lama dah tak rasa buat sesuatu sebab sesuatu yang hanya Allah tahu.

And 4. She told me stories of her own journey. Penuh juga warna-warni perancangan Tuhan.

5. Miracle. Istikharah. Kuasa Allah memudahkan segala perkara yang baik untuk kita.

Semoga, MBBS ini dipermudahkan. Semoga, urusan kerjaya juga dipermudahkan.

Aku mahu bertemu Tuhan dalam keadaan paling diredhai.

Dunia penuh tipu daya, tiada apa yang mengikut perancangan kita kerana sesungguhnya Allah telah merancang segala sesuatu. Apa2 jadi pun, doakan Allah sentiasa tidak tinggalkan kita sorang2. Apa2 jadipun, semoga khauf dan rajaa hanyalah disandarkan pada Allah.

Alhamdulillah, Allah campakkan rasa takut dan risau dalam hati saya, agar saya mencari Allah kembali, agar sandaran dan doa saya untuk masa depan bertambah2.

6. Mati. Itu bukan penamat.

misi bertemu Allah. misi episod kehidupan yang hidup. this is my life, this is His blessing. i have Him to overcome everything.

He will ease, to those who He chose. and let us become ones yang choose Him above everything.

Monday, May 15, 2017

Memori final exam surgery

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. 3 papers dah selesai. Berbaki satuuuuuu in shaa Allah. Dan empat VIVA.

So, walaupun tinggal 1, sebenarnya progressnya 50% lagi haha.

Alhamdulillah. Masa berlalu pantas. Soon, this is all will come to an end.
In shaa Allah.

Tadi naik bas pergi universiti, pakcik tu bawa laju, saya duduk belakang driver. Urm. Entah tiba2 terfikir pasal exciden. What if dlm perjalanan ni jadi apa2? Exam tangguh ke? Hahahaha. Adoi. Lepas tu rasa sangat cuak, what if meninggal dlm perjalanan nak pergi exam? Kira syahid ke? Huhuhu.

Astagfirullah. Dahsyat sangat mode fight-or-flight saya waktu tu. Nak flee dari dunia teros haha.

Anyway, bas tu lambat gerak sebab tunggu orang penuhkan seat. So, saya dan kawan2 sampai lewat ke exam. Exam surgery pulak tu, department yg sangat berdisiplin dan punctual (selepas department neuro haha).

Sampai dekat pagar besar universiti pkul 12.25++ lebih kurang. Examnya 12.30. Nak jalan dari situ ke hall ambik masa 15 minit jika melenggang. Jeng jeng jeng....

Maka berlarilah, ya, kanak2 ribena - malaysian girls - yg terkenal dengan tak havoc dan kain skirt nya. (batch saya jarang pakai seluar, hasil tarbiah ortodoks seniors, batch bawah dah generasi lain dah, protestant hehehe), berlari lintas kereta, tinggi rendah longkang, bawah terik mentari, tanpa menoleh atau mengira apa pandangan orang belakang.... Apasal budak2 ni lari tengah2 alam di bawah matahari niiii....

Run, run for your life!

Tak pernah2 ada orang semangat nak ambik exam sampaikan berlari2 ;')

Such a memory.

Saya ni mudah semput, tapi bila dah kawan yg dlm pantang bersalin pun lebih stamina berlari, haha nak tak nak ku gagahkan jua kaki dan paru2 ini...

Alhamdulillah, sampai hall pkul 12.35. Urmmmm. Masuk, make entrance macam koboi nak serang. Buka pintu paling ganas dan paling tak ayu sebab takut exam dah mulaaa haha.

Rupa2nya, tak mula lagi. Doktor baru cakap2, tengah nak kutip handphones. Maka, semua orang terkejut dan pandang kemunculan seorang yg berhidung kembang... Huhuhu.

Tak pa. Keep calm and cari seat no. Lalalaal.

Alhamdulillah. Duduk. Walaupun tercungap2...buat2 macam tak da apa berlaku. Minum air. Letak beg kat lantai, serah handphone. Urmm. Tiba2 teringat, alamak! Mesti kawan2 yg hall lebih jauh dekat blok lain tak sampai lagi! Oh Allah, make it easy for them....

Saya bersyukur Allah izin saya mampu sampai dewan exam tadi. Alhamdulillah...

Allah sentiasa murah memberi pertolongan. Walaupun exam susah - sebab saya tak habis baca huhuhu - tapi sebenarnya banyak dah benda2 lain yg Allah mudahkan.

Kesannya, waktu jawab tadi happy je. Mana taknya, Adrenaline dah sky rocket naik ke langit hahahaah.

For everything.
Semoga Allah berkati segalanya.
Air mata, doa, harapan, usaha, jawapan...
Termasuk peluh2 yg memercik. Heheeh.

Semoga Allah redha pada farhana dan rakan2. Amiin.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Ilmu dan hati

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Paper ke-2 final exam baru lepas. Berbaki 14 hari lagi utk tamat. In shaa Allah.

Sesungguhnya, belajar lah sesuatu dgn hati. Learn by heart. Kefahaman dan keikhlasan tu lah yg nak bantu kita di dunia dan akhirat.

Contoh bila soalan unexpected keluar, sesuatu yg luar silibus, tapi dulu kita pernah baca sebab minat nak baca / bacaan tambahan utk tambah kefahaman. Berkat extra effort yg kita buat suatu masa dulu tu, alhamdulillah dapat la jawab...

Atau tak sempat baca sebab banyak sangat huhuhuhu...Allah izin ingat lagi pasal tajuk tu, nota2nya...apa2 yg berkaitan lah. Walaupun tak revise, pertolongan Allah itu sentiasa ada. Kita sebagai hamba kena byk minta, byk berusaha.

Belajar by heart, belajar utk faham, ada hikmah dan good news in the long term. In shaa Allah.

Itu contoh bantuan / balasan baik di dunia, di akhirat? Kita tak tahu ilmu mana yg Allah izin akan bantu kita hingga ke akhirat...

So, belajarlah...

Saya byk kena pesan pada diri. Semoga Allah tak tinggal saya sorang2 mengurus episod kehidupan, kerana berseorangan adalah melekakan bagi saya.


So, tak ada limit dalam belajar. Lps spm, ada ijazah. Lps ijazah, master, phd. Lps habis jadi pakar satu bidang pun, ada banyakkkk lagi bidang. Ilmu ni luas.

Ilmu quran contohnya.

Sesuatu yg kita belajar bukan sebab nak kerja/kelulusan, adalah lebih dalam melekat dlm ingatan.

Tak salah pun nak jadikan ilmu ijazah ni sbgai fokus.

Asalkan disertakan dengan niat. Niat lurus, in shaa Allah tidak terbeban, melainkan semuanya adalah kemanisan.

Semoga penutup chapter MBBS saya adalah perkara2 kebaikan dan dlm rahmat Tuhan.


Ps. Antara 5 soalan yg ditanya kpd anak Adam sebelum dpt berganjak kakinya, ialah tentang ilmunya, bagaimana kah dimanfaatkan?
Semoga Allah izinkan kita dgn jawapan yg terbaik.

Saturday, May 6, 2017

a healthy mind

- bismillah -

alhamdulillah. it has been quite sometime when i purposely write as a form of theraphy.

currently, i have finished 1 paper out of 4 subjects for final exam.
alhamdulillah. Allah has taught me a lot. He even allowed me have tahajud on my exam day, of which to be honest, was so hard to perform since i arrived here after one and half months in malaysia. here, the fajr prayer is at 4am, which mean, you have to wake up before that to perform tahajud. but in malaysia, the fajr prayer is a bit late, and anybody who wake up at 5.30am can still perform tahajud, sometimes when the subuh is at 6am. (so what are your excuses malaysiaaaans?) hehe.

the hardest part or challenge i faced was taking the first step to revise. starting has never been easy. but once you have started, things will come into place. all you have to do is to start.

next, i had continuous runny nose. exam-induced cold. hehe. but its okay, i got plenty of time and ways to boost my immune response. one of the way is plenty of sleep. i dont know whether it was a blessing or not to sleep a lot during exam period.


i am currently trying to set a positive mind. to look in good things over what had happened.

i also face another challenge of addiction. i wont share it here, but, it was hard to resist. addiction is not something you can ignore. you have to fight it.
let me list (copied from web) facts about addiction:

With a habit you are in control of your choices, with an addiction you are not in control of your choices.
  • Addiction - there is a psychological/physical component; the person is unable to control the aspects of the addiction without help because of the mental or physical conditions involved.
  • Habit - it is done by choice. The person with the habit can choose to stop, and will subsequently stop successfully if they want to. The psychological/physical component is not an issue as it is with an addiction.
 some more facts,
Signs and symptoms of substance addiction may include:
  • The person takes the substance and cannot stop - in many cases, such as nicotine, alcohol or drug dependence, at least one serious attempt was made to give up, but unsuccessfully.
  • Withdrawal symptoms - when body levels of that substance go below a certain level the patient has physical and mood-related symptoms. There are cravings, bouts of moodiness, bad temper, poor focus, a feeling of being depressed and empty, frustration, anger, bitterness and resentment.
  • There may suddenly be increased appetite. Insomnia is a common symptom of withdrawal. In some cases the individual may have constipation or diarrhea. With some substances, withdrawal can trigger violence, trembling, seizures, hallucinations, and sweats.
  • Addiction continues despite health problem awareness - the individual continues taking the substance regularly, even though they have developed illnesses linked to it. For example, a smoker may continue smoking even after a lung or heart condition develops.
  • Social and/or recreational sacrifices - some activities are given up because of an addiction to something. For example, an alcoholic may turn down an invitation to go camping or spend a day out on a boat if no alcohol is available, a smoker may decide not to meet up with friends in a smoke-free pub or restaurant.
  • Maintaining a good supply - people who are addicted to a substance will always make sure they have a good supply of it, even if they do not have much money. Sacrifices may be made in the house budget to make sure the substance is as plentiful as possible.
  • Taking risks (1) - in some cases the addicted individual make take risks to make sure he/she can obtain his/her substance, such as stealing or trading sex for money/drugs.
  • Taking risks (2) - while under the influence of some substances the addict may engage in risky activities, such as driving fast.
  • Dealing with problems - an addicted person commonly feels they need their drug to deal with their problems.
  • Obsession - an addicted person may spend more and more time and energy focusing on ways of getting hold of their substance, and in some cases how to use it.
  • Secrecy and solitude - in many cases the addict may take their substance alone, and even in secret.
  • Denial - a significant number of people who are addicted to a substance are in denial. They are not aware (or refuse to acknowledge) that they have a problem.
  • Excess consumption - in some addictions, such as alcohol, some drugs and even nicotine, the individual consumes it to excess. The consequence can be blackouts (cannot remember chunks of time) or physical symptoms, such as a sore throat and bad persistent cough (heavy smokers).
  • Dropping hobbies and activities - as the addiction progresses the individual may stop doing things he/she used to enjoy a lot. This may even be the case with smokers who find they cannot physically cope with taking part in their favorite sport.
  • Having stashes - the addicted individual may have small stocks of their substance hidden away in different parts of the house or car; often in unlikely places.
  • Taking an initial large dose - this is common with alcoholism. The individual may gulp drinks down in order to get drunk and then feel good.
  • Having problems with the law - this is more a characteristic of some drug and alcohol addictions (not nicotine, for example). This may be either because the substance impairs judgment and the individual takes risks they would not take if they were sober, or in order to get hold of the substance they break the law.
  • Financial difficulties - if the substance is expensive the addicted individual may sacrifice a lot to make sure its supply is secured. Even cigarettes, which in some countries, such as the UK, parts of Europe and the USA cost over $11 dollars for a packet of twenty - a 40-a-day smoker in such an area will need to put aside $660 per month, nearly $8,000 per year.
  • Relationship problems - these are more common in drug/alcohol addiction.
All the above info is from this website link. eventhough it is more about substance abuse/addiction, you can apply the criteria to behavourial addiction too.
dont get me wrong, i am not even addicted to any kind of substance. not even coffee.

well, enough talking about facts.

so, what did i do to overcome all those challenges?

i did almost everything a sensible mind would do, and some of the things that only insensible minds would also do.

but nothing works. at the end of the day, i feel lost. i lose because i cant study/revise as much as i should have do to prepare for the exam.

that kind of lost, makes me feel like im dying inside.
i keep doing what shouldn't i do, feel guilty, but continue doing it.

days pass and reading materials accumulated. piling high.


eventually, i found a source of light.
the only cure is TO CONSTANTLY PRAY. pray for a fresh healthy heart. pray for a strong mind to beat addiction. pray for a positive outlook.

and eventually, the harden heart will get soften. you would start to obey what quran tell you to do. trust me, when our heart is harden, we will read the quran and its meaning, yet nothing happened afterwards. quran says, dont get involved in lagha, but the stone heart will read it, nod, and watch movies after finish reading the quran. ironic.

that is why, during hardship, you can ask for advices, you can read tips, etc etc etc, but a harden heart will ignore them all.

it was hard to live a harden soul. harden by the passing time and daily routines. when was the last time you attend a tazkirah? when was the last time you open a hadis book and learn from it? when was the last time you cry upon hearing a quranic verse?

as this post is my writing theraphy, you = i'm asking my own self.

this is hard to continue.

but i shall finished it.

the below one is the most important one. this is the core. this is the real advice. this is what makes it work for me to beat the challenge.

The believers are only those who, when Allah is mentioned, their hearts become fearful, and when His verses are recited to them, it increases them in faith; and upon their Lord they rely -

The ones who establish prayer, and from what We have provided them, they spend.
Those are the believers, truly. For them are degrees [of high position] with their Lord and forgiveness and noble provision.

the moment we think we have done everything to fix our problem, but it remain unsolved, think whether have you ask Allah for the solution or not? or you have been seeking way out on your own only? remember, we need Him in every ups and downs.

[Remember] when you asked help of your Lord, and He answered you, "Indeed, I will reinforce you with a thousand from the angels, following one another."

And Allah made it not but good tidings and so that your hearts would be assured thereby. And victory is not but from Allah . Indeed, Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.
 dont run away from our responsibility. all those jobs and responsibilities that we find very hard to do, in my case revising all the notes for exams, are actually what Allah and His messenger want us to do (to strive for purposeful actions that benefit us).

O you who have believed, respond to Allah and to the Messenger when he calls you to that which gives you life. And know that Allah intervenes between a man and his heart and that to Him you will be gathered.

and the most strongest advice to keep us studying/working/striving 'hard' works is,

O you who have believed, do not betray Allah and the Messenger or betray your trusts while you know [the consequence].
And know that your properties and your children are but a trial and that Allah has with Him a great reward.
so, the answer to all my 'mental' issue during final exam is this...

O you who have believed, if you fear Allah, He will grant you a criterion and will remove from you your misdeeds and forgive you. And Allah is the possessor of great bounty.

verses from surah al-anfal. quran. chapter 8. 
to develop taqwa. so that i will not be doing what an insensible mind would do. so that i would be doing fine being sensible and God-conscious.

to beat procastinations. to beat the heavy headache and runny nose. to beat distractions and endless thoughts and dreams. to beat social media. to beat wasting time.

taqwa. develop it. 

pray that Allah has never left us alone to sail through the waves in the sea of life.

amiin. good luck farhana on beating your own weakness!
good luck to become a successful person with a growth-mindset.
good luck untuk menjadi hamba Allah yang tak pernah ditinggalkan, tanpa perhatian-Nya.

that's it.
[ ;


ps. one of ways to ventilate and for a healthy mind is to do something beneficial and purposeful for others (read more from this link). i hope my writing can help some of us who got jiwa kacau / disturbed mind, too, because this is originally written for my own reference. tq.

Bila kita akan kembali

Hanya pada Allah tempat kita bergantung. Jika ditakdirkan kita hilang segalanya dalam dunia ini, atau kita yang menghilang, maka harta duni...