Monday, November 30, 2015

Sodbara

- bismillah -

N, kamu sabar kan? Kamu penyabar. Sikit saja lagi. Sabarlah. Allah tahu. Dia takkan biar kamu sorang diri. Dia takkan biar kesabaran kamu habis limit. 

Tuhan, 
Katakan pada dia yang pertama: jagalah hamba-Mu ini. Jangan dimasuki sesuka hati dalam jarak yang diciptakan. Jangan dipetik sesuka hati nama ini. Jangan samakan dengan yang lain. Jangan rendahkan kedudukan di sisi-Mu. Jangan celik pada kelemahannya yang bukan untuk dia tahu. 

Tuhan, 
Katakan pada dia yang kedua: jagalah hamba-Mu ini. Jika berat baginya, maka jagalah biarpun dengan bir dan ehsan. 

Tuhan, 
Katakan pada dia yang selayaknya dalam kalangan hamba-Mu yang Kau cinta padanya: jagalah hamba-Mu ini. Dari api neraka dan kejahatan diri dan dunia. Melalui cantuman lengkapnya taqwa hanya pada-Mu. 

Hanya Allah sebaik2 Penjaga. 

P/s i hate boys who have no respect on girls, and having no sense that Allah is watching and knowing when and how you will die. Have a shame to bercinta tanpa nikah! Jemaah ke neutral bukan jaminan sucinya permulaan ikatan. 

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Bukit, basikal dan kebebasan.

- bismillah -

Bukit, basikal dan kebebasan.
Apabila melihat bukit batu yang kontang tanpa pohon,
apabila berlaku peperangan, kecoh dengan gugusan bom udara, di bukit batu yang luas itu ke mana hendak mencari tempat sembunyi?
Apabila merasa laju menderu angin, turun melajak dari atas bukit tanpa kayuhan, aku tersedar, pernah menjadi anak kecil yang gembira menunggang basikal, melepas tangan tanda kemegahan, tidak pernah risau dan tiada takut yang menyelebungi, tapi tika dewasa ini kenapa kayuhan bermula dengan bagaimana jika terjatuh?
Dalam kelapangan, kadang tiada kebebasan.
Dalam kebebasan, kadang tetap ada bahayanya.
Dalam bahaya, kadang tiada risau.
Cuma yang mendominasi pandangan adalah hasil daripada kerisauan.
Biar sempit biarpun lapang,
Pastikan ada kebebasan, kerana kebebasan yang akan memberi ruang untuk membesarkan jiwa.
Dont worry too much. Just pray.


Friday, November 27, 2015

Crush?

- bismillah -

Having a crush is a waste of memory space.

And can you imagine what happen to your 16gb iphone when it runs out of space?

It turns to be almost useless. Cant take picture, crashed apps, auto closed apps before you can start, hanged alarm, cant update new ios or apps updates, and everything is...just call and messages. 

What happened when your heart and mind ran out of space? 

Simply you pun become lembab...

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Bolak balik

- bismillah -

Berjiwa besarlah kamu wahai farhana. Again and again i keep repeating this mantra. 

The excellent way to tackle current 'issue' is to be assertive and say it loud (i mean, voice it out). But i choose to keep quiet and let the time to solve the issue. In other word, i choose to ignore. And there it is, it keep haunting me days and nights. 

Nak cakap dengan siapa ni....T-T

Saturday, November 21, 2015

You took my breath away

- bismillah -

Dingin musim sejuk,
Syahdu bersaksi bintang. 
Derapan langkah bertunjang amanah,
Teratur, perlahan, tanpa gesaan,
Sepertinya juga kamu. 
Detak jantungku, bagaikan akur,
Diam, sunyi, termenung. 
Bagai menikmati kehangatan malam,
 sedang sendi dan tulangku kesejukan. 

Aku sedang apa ini?
Bisikan sepanjang jalanku. 

Entah kita di tajuk apa dalam cerita ini,
Kadang aku sangka ini permulaan, 
Kadang aku mengharap akan sambungan, 
Dan lelahku menanti agar adanya pengakhiran. 
Tapi cerita ini bagai terus tertulis, 
Satu demi satu, 
Tanpa kesinambungan. 

Aku sedang apa ini?
Mengharap yang bukan-bukan,
Berfikir yang berlebihan,
Hingga terlanggar sempadan kebiasaan,
Hingga aku sedar, 
derap langkahku menyaingi langkahmu.  

Perlahan, aku hentikan semula semuanya. 
Aku padam semula apa yang aku lakar. 
Aku kunci semua jendela yang menadah cahaya.
Aku tutup semua ruang yang membisik ke jiwa.  
Hingga hening senja tiba,
Dudukku menyendiri,
Termenung lagi. 
Di kota ciptaanku ini,
Aku tinggal dengan persoalan,
Masihkah ada ruang, untukku bernafas?

Tanpa aku sedar,
Nafasku hilang bila dia pergi membawa hati. 

I was thinking, i breath with the lungs not the liver! And the idea dies away. Zzz. 

Friday, November 20, 2015

Perempuan islam yang muslimah

- bismillah -

Petikan daripada kuliah yg disampaikan oleh Dr Solah Khalidi di IKON2, UJ, Amman hari ni. 20/11/15

Bukti islam agung ialah kita, kita yg membuktikan
Dlm islam, iman patut ditonjolkan, bukan simpan saja
(Tak cukup iman hanya dalam hati)

Wanita sama hak dlm islam
(Lelaki dan wanita:)
Complement each other
Peranan wanita merangkumi semua dari isteri, ibu, mak cik, nenek

Tgk gaya bahasa quran utk wanita contohnya surah an-nisa'
Wanita sentiasa di samping lelaki
Tgk ayat quran ahzab 35 
Allah terima amalan lelaki dan perempuan tanpa kecuali

Ayat hayatan thaiyibah
من عمل صالحا من ذكر وانثا وهو مومن فلنحيينهم حياة طيبة 
Hayatan thaiyibah ialah hidup yg sentiasa ingat Allah, bukan mcm barat yg bebas

kualiti yg ada pd tokoh wanita islam
- ilmu
Tokoh sejarah
Tokoh mufassir
Setiap masa dlm khidmati lillah 
Bacalah quran utk tahu apa yg Allah nak kita buat

Utk Allah sayang kita:
1. Fokus pada ilmu, penuhkan masa dgn pembelajaran, bukan buang masa
عندنا واجبات كثيرة
(Kita ada banyak sangat tugasan - menyebarkan islam)

2. ان تعيشي مع القران
(Live your life with quran, hidup dengan Quran)
Hidup yg cantik ialah haya' dengan iman
(Malu dengan iman)
Surah qasas, ayat yg perempuan anak nabi yaakub ajak nabi musa 
تمشي على استحياء
Boleh ckp dgn syabab dengan bersebab, masih ada malu
Qalbi malian bilquran! (Hati dipenuhi dengan al-Quran!)
Kata2 nya baik, 
🌹😌❤️💚
Takda masalah crush bila hati penuh quran
Jaga malu
Jaga toharah

3. Dakwah dan nisa' (dakwah dan wanita)
Wajib ke atas lelaki dan perempuan
Jangan jadi mcm banat eropa (perempuan barat), mereka jauh dari islam, 
الدعوة تحتاج منك الاسلوب
(Nk dakwah kena ada uslubnya)
Ada cara
Lembut jangan keras
Nida (seru/panggil) org dgn baik

4. Jihad fi sabilillah
Takrif jihad: ballum a3la juhud lillah (salah dengar?)
Khidmat haza din (beri perkhidmatan utk agama ini)
Every amal u buat, utk memberikan servis utk deen ini
To give good things to islam, in every word u speak, every act you do
فضل الله المجاهدين على القاعدين درجة
(Ayat quran, Allah meninggikan darjat orang yg berjuang berbanding org yang duduk - tidak berjuang)
Darjat - tinggi nya bagai langit dan bumi. Bukan 30cm dan lain2 ukuran yg biasa. 

(Become the beloved of spouse, parents, family, ulama')
Mahabbah zauj, arham, ulama'

Hidup ini penuh dgn jihad
Niat anak ialah mujahid, pembangun islam

Penutup 
اقام الدِّين بالحقّ
(Dirikan agama ini dengan sebenar2nya)
Kembali kpd kitab Allah

-----
Wallahua'lam. 

Thursday, November 19, 2015

One day

- bismillah -

I longed for the Paradise,
The place where i feel no pain,
no worries. 
The time when i feel no fear,
no sadness. 

I longed for the akhirat,
The heaven where i can meet Allah, 
after all these years that passed,
and years to come in shaa Allah,
of all the things that happened and will happen,
of all my sorrow days and joys,
after ups and downs,
I shall meet them all there, on the day i meet Him. 
He will tell me that the day is the sign that what i told and the things that i hide, He knew them all, He heard them all, He simply never ignores. 

And i really wish He will grant me Jannah under His mercy. 

For the world is so dirty, so cruel, so tempting with worldy desires yet tearing hearts of humans to be torn apart, making it ached yet cured by poison, claimed to be at ease in the day yet having sleepless nights, the world that say you are money-maker, never a life-maker. 

I really longed for His heaven - a place of an eternal bliss. 

P/s i encountered several deaths lately. My junior, my arab neighbor, my university doctor, a friend of friend of my age...and yes, we will all have the 'departure date'. 

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Exam anaesth

- bismillah -

Hari last, hari exam, anaesthesiology rotation. 

Sewaktu melangkah ke gate besar universiti, nampak tarikh hari ini. 
18/11/2015
Kira dengan jari. Oh dah 22 tahun 9 bulan. Alhamdulillah. 

Pause kejap. 12 tolak 9 = ?

Lagi 3 bulan nak umur 23??????

How does it sound nanti? '23 and still single'. How awkward is that...
Thought dismissed mcm kibas-kibas awan dari kepala. 
Abaikan, teruskan perjalanan ke bilik bedah untuk jawab exam. 

fighting!

(Panjang umur, murah rezeki, merasalah umur 23 tu. Cakap kena berlapik tho :)
La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. Everything is up to Allah. 

Soalan tadi: pasal atropine. Atropine is so easy and basic! Yet salah jugak jawabnya /: so jangan tanya soalan lain lain yg complex la

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Jiwa besar

- bismillah -

Mak selalu pesan pada anak2nya supaya sentiasa berjiwa besar dalam hidup. 

***
Tadi ketika berdiri di tingkap dapur, nampak abu firas (jiran) tingkat bawah. Muka dia gloomy. Dia sedang bersalam dengan tetamu yang datang ke rumahnya. Tetamu tu peluk dia lama. Aku perhati lama juga dari tingkap dapur. Mungkin, ummu firas dah meninggal?

Ah, sedih. Sebab mereka belum islam. Dan aku tak tahu nak ucap apa dalam bahasa arab. 

***
Waktu dalam perjalanan, waktu duduk dalam kelas petang tu, waktu solat maghrib, aku rasa Allah sangat dekat. 

Dan bila balik rumah, aku berperang lagi dengan nafsu. 

***
Ada syabab (pelajar lelaki) di kedai runcit tu. Ramai la jugak. Dah masuk waktu qarar. Takkan aku nak cakap, teman saya beli ayam boleh?

***
Ni tulisan kak fasya. 

Dan benda yang sama yg aku pegang sejak dulu, kalau Allah sayang kita, semua makhluk di dunia ni pun sayang kita. 

Seek Allah, and dunia akhirat dtg dekat kau. 

Tapi tulah, nak kemudi hidup ni kena berjiwa besar, sebab setiap fasa hidup ada cabarannya. 

Muda, akan tua. 
Hidup, akan mati. 
Senang berselang dengan susah. 
Untung, selang dengan rugi.  
Bijak, ada masa dia kureng juga. 

Albi, jangan bolak balik. Allah is near, feel it with your heart. Get out of this darkness. 

Monday, November 9, 2015

My first Scrub story

- bismillah -

Alhamdulillah. Masih diberi kesihatan. 

Well, i did my second presentation in fifth year just now, being the first group for this current anaesthesiology rotation. 

I love doing seminar presentations, but i hate to use previous senior's slides, but i even more hate to make my own slides because of my perfectionist trait. I did my own slide for previous rotation though, and it went so long...

Tomorrow will be my first day to enter the OT in shaa Allah. May Allah ease everything. 

I dont know anything unless what Allah has taught me. 

Well, Allah has been kind to me. I wear a long abaya, because today is only seminar for me, no need to enter the OT so no need to wear the scrub. And you guess what happened to me this morning?

I have to wear the scrub, even when i dont need to enter the OT. 

Luckily, alhamdulillah, i wear a proper inner long sleeve shirt and a proper loose slack. Or else...the scrub is too thin to make me warm and what more important is covering the aurats properly. Abaya? Buang sangkut tepi!

And i wore shawl purposely instead of tudung today, but then with the scrub, it had to be loosen down and i have to put on a new style to match with TIME, yes time, and matching the scrub which mean the shawl should be put underneath it. So pergi kelas with 3 pin and 2 peniti, masuk kelas with only 2 peniti. Hijab with no pin? Totally arab-style~

So, lesson learnt is, whenever i am in this OT section, i have to be prepared to enter the OT eventhough not scheduled. 

I am secretly wishing to enter OT everyday, but being too lazy to give extra push to my self to 'enter to the unknown world' (the OT room)... Which is full of male doctors - yes i cant see any female nurse in most of the OT thru the orientation sneek peak.

Imagine, being blurred, alone, alienated, thinking whether to enter thru big door or small door, wondering what is the case of surgery being done, how many hours that it will last, and what to do there and most importantly, WHERE TO STAND?

I shall discover the fear and know the answer tomorrow. In shaa Allah. 

I have to be cemerlang. *nangis*

Tidaklah aku keluar dari comfort zone melainkan untuk Allah bimbing aku kepada kejayaan hidup dunia dan akhirat. Amiiinn. 

Fuh kanan fuh kiri. All is well, only with Allah. Pray for me!

Winter urti

- bismillah -

I have a cold, again. There is no bronchitis, yet, just runny nose. And i ate an egg again. Cold air + egg are potentially the allergens to cause these reactions. And it can trigger asthma. Up to one point where i start to read about the relations between allergy, urti and asthma. 

End up sleeping with ventolin by my bedside. Hasbiy Allah. 

I was thinking...if i were to die of asthma, please dont look down on me as a medical student who supposed to know how to manage asthma well...

Because i know, 22 years of living is a long period of time.....hasbiya Allahu nikmal wakeel. 

Good night world!
12.22 midnight
Irbid, Jordan. 

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Where is my confident self...

- bismillah -

Read somewhere in the facebook, Dr Har tegur cakap hanya orang yang yakin dan boleh bawa diri saja boleh tegur (greet) guru-gurunya. 

And after 7 years, how i wish i can perkenal diri dan cakap, sayalah anak murid cikgu dulu! Sekarang saya dah besar *insert a grateful emoticon here* and perkenalkan rest of my friends yang jadi anak murid beliau. 

But it didnt happen. 

And sadly, i have no courage and left the chance went away with the winter wind...

I am not regretting, but i just dont like the fact that i have no firm and strong reason for this decision, of why i choose to stay quiet and left unnoticed. 

And somehow this evening dr maza just delivered a speech, mentioning how we must appreciate our surrounding people and the events that occured, dont just let them past without any significance. 

Or else, we would learn nothing from the repeated cycles of life events and cycles of time. 

***
Tomorrow is my first Anaesthesiology rotation in my fifth year. I dont want to be an al-an'am! (Haiwan ternak yang ada mata tapi tak melihat, ada telinga tak mendengar.) 
I want to be a somebody or make this rotation is significant for me..not just another-two-week rotation to pass. 

***

And as i choose the Quran over other commitments apart from medicine, the more other distractions come in my way. 

And as i choose to remain positive with being single, and there come hopes and everything that makes my positivity shaken with doubts. 

Laa hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. 

May Allah always guide my way. 
May Allah always surround me with thiqah people, faqih people, and beautiful at hearts. Amiin. 

P/s i just won a small election in my batch group. Suddenly i know and become more to realise, i am very helpless without Allah. May Allah ease my way to His jannah with His mercy. 

I have too many to ask from Allah, and Allah tak pernah kekurangan despite manusia minta macam2. May Allah ampunkan farhana. 

There is one quote i remembered,
Before u become successful, success is about growing oneself. But when u become successful, success is about growing others. 

That is why, It feels good to become rumput tepi jalan and cheering others haha. Like what i always do..suka tolak orang buat kerja huhuhu. I guess i have to grow my own self now...to become succesful. 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

winter ke-5

- bismillah -

Sebenarnya saya tengah cuti, walaupun dalam round forensic. Sbb round tiga hari saja, lepas tu end of round exam, lepas tu hari yang berbaki sebelum masuk next round ialah hari cuti.

Jadi, duduk rumah sajalah. Luar hujan. Sejuk.

Jadi surirumah. Laundry, masak, vacuum. Bergh. #siscuba
Bila hidup jauh dari mak ayah, barulah tahu nak bertanggungjawab dalam hidup. Manusia ni bukan rajin sangat pun, tapi bila dah tanggungjawab, or something yang nak tak nak kena buat, maka kerja tu jadi ringan. Hehs.

So hari ni testing basuh comforter! Kita tengok apa nak jadi.

Itu summer punya comforter. Winter comforter ada bawah katil lagi. Yg tu hantar dobi sebab 8 kg. Guna waktu peak winter saja.

Tahun lepas tak guna pun winter comforter tu, atau bahasa arabnya panggil hirom. Jadi, tahun ni boleh kot testing nak jual?

Sebab tahun lepas guna layers of wool blanket dengan comforter biasa, sbb tidur bawah hirom 8 kg rasa macam patah tulang........

Itulah alkisah musim sejuk. Padahal duduk kampung dulu tak pernah  terfikir pun semua ni.nak selimut pun malas. Pakai stokin bulu2, sweater, wol blanket, keluar asap, heater bagai....yang saya tahu, saya nak study oversea lepas sekolah. Cara hidup saya tak pernah fikir. hehe. Tahu nak menonong datang ja. Tambah bila apply jordan, mana pernah tahu negara ni negara 4 musim celup. Semua musim ada tapi sikit2. Alhamdulillah. Tak extreme mcm di europe us uk.

Memandangkan tak ada kereta sendiri, student kan, jadi kena naik pengangkutan awam. Bus. Kalau naik teksi, serius cakap duit biasiswa tak cukup huhuhu. Melainkan kau jenis orang tak menabung utk tiket balik malaysia setiap tahun. Ikut lah memasing cara nak guna duit. Nak senang lenang kat sini, naik teksi panas tak payah jalan redah hujan dan jalan berlopak dan tak kena simbah kereta, boleh je, tapi duit emergency nak beli tiket tak ada...atau time semua orang balik msia kau stay kat sini....choose.

Yang nak kahwin, tunggu duit gaji baru nak himpun huhu.

Tiba2 cakap pasal duit. Tengah cerita pasal winter ni.

Lagi satu, winter boleh buat orang murung. Sbb tak ada matahari. Ma shaa Allah, cahaya matahari bukan untuk pokok dan photosynthesis saja tau! It is like a secret lover yang buat kau happy hari2. Kau saja tak tahu~

so bila dah murung ni, kerja pun lembab, study pun mengantuk, cepat stress dan rasa nak makan most of the time.

Dulu zaman saya kaya, saya 'sambut' winter dengan jaket baru. Haha. Sekarang, hurmm dah insaf. Kena cari cara lain.

Dulu dapat 500, sekarang tak sampai 400. Boleh bayang tak bagaimana gaya hidup harus berubah demi simpanan hari2 menganggur?

Mesin dah bunyi. Malam ni tidur dengan comforter wangi!

Monday, November 2, 2015

the compressed-heated-carbon love (a short story)

- bismillah - 

Just a short story. Sempena cuti lepas round forensic. 

So, there is a medical student named, Aida. She's in her twenties. (A lady would not tell anyone in the world two things: the real age and body weight.)

Aida is a wall-flower, she was once a legend in her alma mater but when it comes to university life's competition, she simply lose her shine. She didnt take part in college's election, nor volunteer to lead any project or activities. She just wanted to be a good team player, after a good times being a team leader during school years. She wanted to sit down and rest from managing people and their problems. 

And one day, her friends were suprised upon seeing a flashing simple diamond ring, a solitaire-cut they guessed, on one of her fingers. Has she got engaged? Is she getting married soon? They were curious. Very curious. 

At that time, more than half of her friends suddenly became cheerful and smiled whenever they meet her. They greeted her in the morning, and waved her goodbyes in the evening. Almost everyday. And there were some of them who came to shake her hands, glancing purposely on the diamond ring. 

Nobody has ever asked her, what was the ring supposed to mean?

***
Drops of tears left flowing freely on her both cheeks. Aida was sobbing, unable to control the emotion that came up after reading a letter which was on her lap. 

'Dear Aida,

Azim bought you this ring. But i am sorry, the time comes just too soon for him to hand the ring to you by himself. He left for work and never return home, his car collided with a lorry on the highway. I believe you might want to keep this ring as a token for his company and of memories with you before. I believe he wanted you to keep it. I believe in you, to keep it in your possession, Aida. As your once supposed to be a mother in law, I pray for a very responsible and sensible man to be your husband, despite seeing you wearing an exclusive diamond ring the first time he gets to know you. I pray for the brave guy to have meet your parents and asked to be told about the ring and treat you nicely later on in your marriage. Please, keep the ring that my late Azim wanted it so much for you.

Yours sincerely, 
Mrs Sarah.'

Azim. The one who has been protecting Aida since their childhood. And even after his death, he wanted his one precious friend to be safe and sound from cowardice and untruthful men out there who have no confidence and strong determinations to make her a legal wife. If he didnt have the chance to marry her, then someone else must be the one better than him to marry Aida, that is his promise that Aida has no idea about, but his mother knew about her son well. 

Aida took off the ring and scrutinised it for a while. The ring had give her more than what Azim had wanted, she gained 'instant' friends, attentions, and gossips as well. She has created a new life script on a new chapter. She is now somebody else's concerns, no longer merely a wall-flower. The diamond's shine has outshine others. And most importantly, she learnt to differentiate between fake and real smiles and greetings, getting to know warm friends and the ones with cold hatred looks on their faces. 

And for one day that has soon to arrive, Aida prayed for a man to come with built confidence, asking for her hand in marriage. Probably, 50% of his mind seeing her reply as to she said she is engaged and clearly showed her ring, while 50% of his thought is seeing her smiled in relieve to have meet her awaited soulmate, after a long tiring period of streaming pieces of glasses from crystals...by both parties. 

Dot. 

Cheesy forensic. Lepas meninggal pun masih ada cintaaa. Pastikan cinta yang tidak menyempitkan kubur. Huhu. Allahumma ikhtim lana bi husnil khatimah. 

Diamond is a pressure and heated compressed carbon after undergoing some geological processes deep inside the earth. 

We are going to be unearthed too when the kiamat comes. May our soul and body dibangunkan dalam keadaan terbaik. 

Bila kita akan kembali

Hanya pada Allah tempat kita bergantung. Jika ditakdirkan kita hilang segalanya dalam dunia ini, atau kita yang menghilang, maka harta duni...